Way Effed Up

I am just feeling more effed up than ever! I was just thinking a while ago that I just so wish I could talk to you...I wish I just knew what advice you would give me. I love your heart and know that you would have a good idea what to do. And I actually in no way would want to throw you off the track you are on with your family. I'm glad that SOMEONE is doing the right thing out there! You are a good, good, man and I hope you still are doing good and are healthy and happy this year. I do hope that I could see you as a friend one day if nothing else is ever possible...maybe in another 10 years or so - when I'm even worse old and wrinkly?

Things have just been crazy and I have been so confused as to how to fill this void in my life right now. I know I'm going about it all the wrong ways, but it is too painful to go about it the right ways. Maybe if I get back to church it will get better. I am learning hard lessons, and have not made up my mind. I actually have met this man who I have a craving for. I think he is totally out of my league, though, in a few ways.  Still, I did have an immediate animal magnetism and so when I think of him it's kind of how I think/feel about you. A deep, deep yearning and need for what I feel like when I'm around him or even think of him. But, once again, he is unavailable. I did not know that when I first fell for him. And then I have a poor online friend who I am starting to think I use for my own se*ual gratification, especially when I am drunk and lonely and pissed at the world for all of my own choices and crap I have gotten myself into..

I am learning that "friends" and co-workers can let you down in a heartbeat and throw you under the bus. I guess I've known all along that God is the only person that I can fully trust. I just feel like I don't even fit in or deserve to have God's blessings right now either because of the things I have done. I am drifting and don't fit in anywhere and no one really understands.

I turn to the strangest of people and places. I just thought of the phrase "stranger in a strange land". That is kind of what I feel like.

Well, I do miss you, and weird thing is I'm even missing my husband in some ways - probably the warm body to curl up next to and wake up with every morning! This totally sucks, but I hope is worth it...I know I'm just not doing the right things to get what will really make me happy.

I so miss my daughter! I hope she will be happy in her married life...it happens next weekend. I don't think she has an idea as to how hard it will be. But she has always been so sweet and filled with a great spirit of love, kindness, determination. She has been doing all of the right things in the right way, so she should be blessed.

I am so sorry that I could do and give to you what I wanted to offer you and that instead I brought you down. I hope that you don't feel that in your mind, but I know that you might.

I love you my friend! Merry Christmas!
M x

Waaah.

I just feel liking saying waaaah when I go back and read some of these. I am still in such a strange transformational phase...or maybe I'm just crazy lol! But, really - I think I have been confused for a while, and completely emotional. I was taking that medicine and then tried to stop taking it. I think I will just take it again since I seem to fall apart a lot when not taking.

My baby daughter is getting married in one month. I can't believe it! She is so precious and I will miss her so much being around.

Anyway, gotta go and take care of a lot of things...just was thinking about you and was actually trying to find a phrase/quote that I thought I wrote in one of these posts and got carried away...

Oh - and in case any stranger is reading these who is not "my old friend", you can probably tell that this is kind of a private mind-clearing/rambling thing that is not even really expected to be read by him because he might get in trouble. As far as I know he does not know this blog exists.

Goodbye and Happy Thanksgiving!

Me x

Here I Am

Hey handsome!

I am still missing you and still loving you. It is probably some kind of mental illness lol! Anyone would probably tell me I am crazy, including you. In any case, at least you are some kind of light in the darkness for me. Something to hold on to and give me hope, however misguided and deluded that may be. And it's not actually a belief or hope that I will be with you, but just a hope in that there is something for me out there, some reason I was meant to be in this effed up situation. 

I really miss you and still hope I can talk to you one day but have an absolute fear of either rejection or of completely pissing you off and messing up your life again. I could not do that to you because of the feelings of care and respect I have for you and for your children.

I will tell you that I am a mess. I probably need medication. I have been talking to my temporary roommate a lot about it lately. She thinks I should try her ADD medication. I know I probably have that, but hate taking pills for ANYTHING. I'm not even taking what my doctor recommended for the cancer prevention. I sit and wonder many mornings and plead to God not to let me die or get cancer to come back. I worry a whole lot and I thought I was getting away from that. 

I at least finally shut down the stupid online dating site. I also let the one guy know who really liked me that I just was not ready to date and could not offer what needed to be. He still wanted me to keep in touch, but there was just nothing there even though he was a really nice guy. The guy that I actually really like is not really available - imagine that crap! He said he was married but separated, but I think it is more like probably just a sexless marriage and he was looking for something on the side. Not sure, but either that or he just wants to stay married for the sake of his children for at least a few more years. Dang it - why do I have to meet married men or young guys? Why can't I just have you? Just kidding kind of...I probably don't deserve you anyway.

I did finally go to church up here. I met a couple of nice people and one of the bishopric works at my same company. I have fallen so far spiritually from where I was even just several months ago. It actually all started a year or so before I talked to you and obviously took a dive off a cliff about a year or so ago.I struggle so much with my own self analysis. I constantly am confused about what is best and what to do - although that is probably just a cop out. I worry that God is mad at me and sees me as weak and unworthy. You have no idea how painful it will be to see my daughter go to get sealed in the temple and I cannot be there just because of a few behaviors I have taken up lately. The thing is that I know what's right and I know that's what I want to do. I could probably "confess" and be okay, but I am not sure in my heart if I can trust myself that I am really sincerely dedicated to being faithful to the promises I must make.

It's hard to explain and probably VERY BORING to you and you could probably care less anyway. I also am struggling with physical self esteem too. I feel so old and ugly a lot of the time...I wonder if I could ever even get any decent man for a real relationship. What is going to attract a good quality man? I don't know if I could even attract you now...you probably shut that door to your heart when you saw me. I am not what I was 20 years ago at all. I am working on it, but may never compete with many women.

I kind of like my British friend from the train. He seems sweet and nice, although I only saw him once and we just talk a little on text back and forth. He seems nice, but is much younger and has 3 kids, too. I don't know if he is divorced yet either, but is separated. He may come back for a visit and I would like to at least meet him to go out as we had pleasant conversation and fun. Probably won't go anywhere, but was fun to think about. 

I really just want you, but why? Do I feel it is the easy way out? I don't think so. I just think that my feelings were so strong and real and true - they were not forced at all. I picture your face so often, mostly that age old visual memory I have of you sitting there asking me to go to Birmingham with you, but then also I picture you sitting across from me having a burger throwing little balled up straw paper at me and smiling. I picture you looking into my eyes and asking me if I was disappointed. I was so freaking naive back then! I don't blame you for not wanting to see me again. I had no clue how to dazzle and/or impress a man, and didn't really have the time or resources to prepare back then. Oh, if only I could go back, I would knock your socks off and never let you go! Of course, that would just be your decision and I know the timing was bad, and maybe you wish you had never talked to me.

It just seems so strange to have been so close and then just to have it yanked away in the blink of an eye - it still makes me cry to remember how it felt. I wonder if you ever think of me - you know with guys and girls being so different and all, I realize that you may not. If you wanted to talk to me, I know you could find a way. So tah-dah! The answer is obvious!

I still get all sappy and bs over a million songs that remind me of you...I'm such a geek!

Well, my friend, my fallen lover :-), my Romeo (okay I'm dorky enough already), I must bid you farewell for the evening, anyway.

Lots of love and best wishes and thoughts headed your way and across the miles and airwaves. I hope you feel my love and care for you in your heart and mind and soul. I hope God knows the feelings and does not condemn them. They do not feel bad or wrong because I am not really acting upon them.

Goodnight my love, laters baby :-)

Yours always,

Me x

A short one about dreams

I just have to say I had another dream/dreams about you last night...i know I had one not too long ago, too. I don't remember if I mentioned that one.

Anyway, last night the first part was good...there was some hesitation on my part to approach you wherever we were - it's almost like you were with D's family or something at a table at a party or wedding or something...but then you welcomed me and started dancing with me when I approached you. You were not embarrassed or ashamed of me at all and were gazing into my eyes and holding me so comfortably! Anyway, then I remember a second part which it probably morphed into where we were running from something or someone. There was a helicopter with people trying to shoot us or something. Then we jumped into some strange pool of liquid that supposedly we could drink...anyway...that was a weird part and there were other people running with us, too.

Oh well, I have thought a lot about you lately. I have complicated my life a little with this online dating stuff. You still hold my heart at the moment, although I can see myself possibly being able to one day let go. I really really really want to talk to you, though. I hope it can happen some time before too long.

Gotta go..it's late and I haven't left work...gotta catch a train.

Love you still!
Me

Do I Really Want to Do This To Myself?

Well, I have not written in forever, but that does not mean that one day goes by without thinking of you. I still miss you greatly and sometimes wonder if while I am trying to meet new people if I even really want something else to work out...I sometimes hold onto the "maybe someday" or the "you never know"...

But then, I remember that I never found out exactly how you even felt about me after that crazy day - and the worst day of our lives.

I'm so scared that you don't even want to ever see or speak to me again and that you hate me. I don't know if scared is the right word, but...

Let me tell you though - I have been in a whirlwind of trouble that I am creating for myself...maybe you just helped awake the beast in me.

I miss you so bad!

I saw your picture of your family online and I guess you all looked pretty happy - it was a little blurry and I see that it looks like you have a "grandchild" now, or at least a step-grandchild. That looks fun.

My baby is getting married, she got engaged. I wish so much that you could have been there with me for it. I also need to keep an eye on when that PA temple is going to be ready because I think you really should go and  take your family, too, when they have the open house. Maybe it would mean something to you guys, or maybe not...in any case it would be a nice and beautiful thing to see that you might not get a chance to every day.

Of course, if your family is not on the same page with you, then maybe it would at least remind you of me and maybe plant a seed for something way down the line when things are safe.

That is probably wrong for me to even say.

You might not be happy with the way I have been lately, either. I have tried meeting some guys...met a few nice people, one that really likes me, a couple of major jerks, several young guys that just want a hook-up, a really nice and funny executive to name a few...and a British guy on the train.

I also have had an online friend off and on...but he says I need to find a boyfriend (I guess so I can leave him alone).

All right - I hope you are doing good and I hope you are getting to take your little mini-me to the football games. I always wish that I could go to a game there and just see you from a distance...I hope you are happy, I think you deserve it. I have made a humongous mess of myself, but try not to admit it. I'm sure I have really disappointed God and I hope I would not disappoint you, too, but I am trying and still desiring to be good. I am just so confused and lonely. I miss my family and friends.

Gotta go - I hope one day you get to read this.

I love you always soul mate,
Me

Slipping Across the Universe

Hey I just have to say that I love you and I still think of you every single day. I'm kind of resigned to the fact that it my be for the rest of my life. But, I know it will probably fade away like last time 20+ years ago eventually and especially when I meet someone. I have been "meeting" some interesting people. I have moved and have been having a great time in my new city. I am still looking for a place to rent. Believe it or not I have several times wished that I could talk to you and get your advise. I know that cannot happen - even if we are to EVER be together it must just happen naturally (or at least kind of naturally), meaning that your relationship must be over anyway first. I realize that I am so sorry that although I already knew that I just threw caution to the wind!

Oh well! It was still probably the most amazing time in my life ever, even though it was followed by one of the worst ever. It rivals 2006/2007 to be the worst, but it has led to so much good - at least good feelings and personal awakenings for me that it was SO WORTH IT. I hope you can think the same thing. If not, I really, really do apologize and hope you forgive me.

Gotta go, but have been "telling you in my head" these things every day. I just have to be careful sometimes.

Love you amazing man!
Me

Staring at Fingers

The title here is just what I was doing when I tried to think how in the world can I even get out what is in my heart and soul and mind. I have not written to you on here in forever because it is really painful and I know that every time I come here to write it just goes on and on and I have to have the time to try and let things out. This is kind of my outlet...so you can tell it has built up lately. Believe me so many thoughts go through my head all day long. And right now I wonder if you would think this is completely ridiculous how long I have gone on like this.

I start to cry most times when I think of you. It's so hard to even explain why. And right now I wonder if you would know and if you would understand what I am feeling without me even telling you. I feel like you would. And I so miss having that in my life - what I felt like I had for such a short time!

I must say that I am going to many strange lengths to try and get over you. I feel that I won't ever get over it without seeing and talking to you - at least talking to you - and not just for some short 2 minute bullshit hurry-up-so-you-don't-get-caught conversation. I really need to have some time to talk to you and ask you some things to sort this out in my mind. Or, it might get partially sorted if you happen to act a certain way and just run the dagger through my heart again...I might get dissuaded (sp?). It makes me think that I hope you are happy, but I don't think that she deserves you at all. I could be wrong because I don't know a thing about her.

I have done the craziest thing and gone on a online site...partially prompted by finding my ex was doing so, and then partially after my friend/acquaintance was meeting some people online and encouraged me to do it. So far it has been okay and a little interesting. I have had tons of offers from married guys just wanting a hookup - and I think most of them really want a physical hookup...some may just be looking to chat...I don't know. In any case I have replied to some of them and try to ask them why they are doing that and tell them I am not interested. It does make me wonder if you were like some of these guys. One older guy says that his wife told him they were too old to have sex anymore and just announced they were not doing it any more. That is kind of weird to me, but I guess I don't know what I would do when I am 60's. I would surely hope not to run my husband off to find women to keep him company in that way...how awful!

There are even a few really interesting and good looking and almost perfect sounding guys on there...but of course, the ones that look the best to me are probably not going to be interested in me and vice versa. And, any decent guy who would really be my is not going to be interested in me until I am single. I have not listed my status as single because I am not divorced yet. It has been filed, though. I get plenty of messages and offers from either super young guys, or from men who are not really close, or who i just look at the pictures and just don't think it would be worth meeting them. Besides the fact that it makes me very nervous to meet anyone at all, and especially someone from online....I then start to cry and think how can I ever even really open my heart to anyone else when my heart still belongs to you? I have had a few friendly conversations and gotten some info and stuff on my new city.

Anyway, I am moving - at least the first transition of the move starting this weekend. Temporary housing. I am a huge bundle of nerves and feel so disorganized. I think I have been so used to having someone else to depend on and make decisions with even if it was effed up. I cannot believe that I so bought into the fairy tale of you. And what is even dumber is that I still believe in fairy tales. I don't know if and when I will ever give up, but I am realistic, too. It does scare me to think of having to get to know someone new and the awkwardness of it. That is one thing I liked about you...you did not seem awkward at all...it's like I had known you forever and like it was meant to be. In so many ways. Either God led me to that or the Devil did.

I think this post is getting too long and i might have to break it up into two.

I don't remember if I ever told you about so many of the things that led up to that amazing September day. Oh and I just realized a weird coincidence the other day, too. I had been thinking of the anniversary of that day and think of that number often. I was driving home and for some reason was thinking of your phone number. I think it was because of another new number I got. Anyway, I just realized that the numbers for the date were the numbers from your phone number and it just hit me as one of those moments - I can't think of the word, but I think you know...just like how in the world we ever hooked up and had been thinking of each other around the same time after so long?

I feel like I blew it and I hope I didn't blow it forever. If so, then it must have been meant to happen, but for some other reason...like maybe just to get me in a different place so that something else good for me could happen. Believe me my situation now is no freaking picnic, but part of it is just my own emotions and mental coming to terms with everything happening to me at once and i have been a co-dependent person for so long I need to get emotionally healthy. I hope I can get to be the best I can be for you - if not for you, then for my next prince charming to come along that you helped prep and set me up for. I will never, never, never forget you or the love and the feelings you brought out in me that were buried so deep inside. I will also never forget the horrendous, worst soul-wrenching pain I ever felt afterward.

I love you forever and pray for you and think of you endlessly.
Me

Loss for Words?

It is getting harder and harder to write things here to you. It is not at all because I don't think about you. I actually probably think deeper about you now. I just don't have a whole lot of hope in the situation. I mean, I know that there is still a chance. And I actually hope and pray for that even though I don't know if that is wrong...

I wish I actually knew if it was worth my time. I wish I knew if you could not stand me or if you hate my guts, or if you think you could not stand the way I look now. I know that I might not meet your expectations. I really need to know if you were disappointed in me. But maybe I don't need that heartache right at this exact moment. I have paid a lawyer to file for divorce finally. It has been many months since we are separated. It is still scary. I wish I would just get over it.

I am moving in 2 to 3 weeks. I wish so bad that you would come see me. I am scared to death of either you getting caught or of rejection. I think of so many things to say and do and send you but I am a complete chicken, or maybe I am just listening to an inner voice of reason! Who knows. I just know I can't continue with this pathetic burden for long. But, it has seen me through a horrible period in life (meaning just difficult - life always has it's good things so I'm not complaining). I just mean that the thought of you has helped me stay strong enough to get through this - at least I'm almost through it. I do wonder if I am going to sit and cry a lot when I am all by myself in my new city. I will have some friends, but they are mostly younger. I know I can have plenty of offers for casual encounters with men, too, but don't want that. It scares me. I have lived behind my little safety net and security blanket for 18 years and now that will all be gone.

Here is something I found on a horoscope posting today. I must say I did shed a tear(s) on the way into work this morning when thinking of you. I had the image of you that night asking me if I was disappointed, and also of a couple of other things that I can't mention here. I just felt so strongly and deeply that it brought me to tears. I miss you so much! I don't know if I will ever have that depth of emotion again ever.

Sagittarius: You may find it difficult to combine the practical needs of the day with the emotions that are welling up within you. Sadness and disappointments in your personal life could very well be likely during a time like this. Withdrawing from emotional social contact might be a good idea right now. Even when you are with others you still feel separate and alone. Use this time to be quiet and to look objectively at how your all of your relationships are going. It won’t take much to make you feel very sentimental. A note or gift from your love, or even a line of romantic poetry overheard could bring tears to your eyes. Though this may not a pleasurable time, this can be a beneficial period in which to learn more about love and what you truly value.

Now I am welling up tears again, but I am not going to let my mascara run! I read a little quote the other day that said something like "Don't shed a tear for anyone who will not be there to wipe it".

OK. And here is the bad thing. I sometimes hope and think that the only way would be for wwe to find someone else. Isn't that awful and selfish? I hate to admit it. But, you are the one person who I felt that I could be completely honest with. So, why lie? I am hoping she will find someone to run off with and you and I can live happily ever after! HaHa. I know it probably won't happen, but here is what Aries said today (which I think she is Aries and can't remember why):

Aries: Small, persistent messages through normal lines of communication can mount up to a bigger picture in a relationship, so listen well. You might want to consider being a little more forth coming with your feelings today. That someone who has captivated you on more than one occasion deserves to know you want so much more from him or her. There is no grand scheme, no master plan; you go into this letting your heart guide you rather your mind. Don’t try to understand it all at once, just let the pieces of the puzzle put themselves together until everything is clear. There is nothing to hide, with a little patience in yourself; you will be able to pull this off without sounding like a love struck teenager.

Anyway, gotta go. I am going house/apartment hunting out of town later in the week. One day I might do something awful, too.

I love and miss you more than you can ever know. I wish I could hold you tight right now and that you would look into my eyes and give me the most passionate kiss ever. I promise I would not ever let you down and would always be by your side as long as you were beside mine. I hope that God knows and understand me and my weaknesses and my desires. I hope they are not wrong. They are just feelings and emotions that I just have and can't explain. I know that I am not as close to God and Christ and as spiritually in tune as I have been in the past, but maybe I am just going through one of those "seasons". I hope I am not forever lost.

I love you soul mate.
Me

Why So Strong?

Why are these feelings so strong? Why can't they go away?

OK. Here is a weird thought. I have wanted to go to the Daughtry concert at PNC park after the pirates game for months, since when I first heard/read about it. Now I don't know if I can get tickets or not, or if I feel like spending the money on a hotel or not. I wish I had gotten my money already, but it won't be until Wednesday.  Something tells me I should go, but I would feel weird going alone so I probably won't. I wish my friend would go with me, but it's kind of last minute notice and she would have to meet me there. I also have another offer to go to Orlando and disneyworld. I might do that.

I swear I will see you one day, though. It has to be.

I will tell you what the first "hit me" moment of today was, or at least what the strongest moment that stands out it my mind was...I was sorting my e-mails by sender so that I could find a document sent to me by an HR or payroll girl who sent me something else. So I clicked on today's e-mail from her name which was Yasmin Lopez with last name first, so Lopez, Yasmin. Then I searched by sender to get the other one I knew she sent me recently to come up easily. I got it and worked with the document. Then next time I looked up at my screen, guess who's name/e-mail I saw several times in a row! You know who from the very first interchange. It cuts like a knife. It brings back memories of that time I played the BBM sound in the car and just about died it hurt so bad. The BBM noise was actually worse - not sure if it was because it was more close to the time or what...

Anyway, that was my John Madden dagger of the day. That's just a strange line that came to mind.

Oh well, I have "met" some interesting people online. Mostly just follow them and they are hilarious. I have also signed up online but am probably about to take it down.

You are the only one I want, but I'm not going to let that hold me back from experiencing life to the fullest.

Well, I love you forever and I sure hope that you are not going to be at that ball game. I had originally planned to buy 3 tickets and send two to you hoping you would bring one of the boys with you and have a big surprise. I know stupid crazy thoughts I have.

Gotta go, it's really late to still be at the office.

Love across the universe to my soul mate. Oh! That reminds me. I was reading one guys profile today (this can be dagger # 2, but it was much gentler). Anyway he said something about meeting someone you could share your soul with and it just hit me with such gravity and of course immediately brought you to mind. I got goosebumps when I thought and imagined all of the things that implied.

OK. Now bye for real. Do I really have to keep living without you?
Me

tears

It's getting harder and harder to actually write down something. It just hurt to push the button to write a new post. I really have been feeling a lot of pain and longing for you in my heart. Tears well up almost every time I think too deeply about you. I still think about you constantly. I sometimes wish it would go away. I am actually trying to start looking to meet someone else and get my hopes up that I will meet someone nice and good for me.

But then, I think how could I ever really want anyone but you? I feel like no one can ever touch my soul as deeply as you did and I'm scared that I don't have enough to offer to someone if my heart and soul still belong to you. I hope that one day I will be able to "settle" this with you. Maybe I just need to get it out. I don't know. Maybe it is just my guilt or punishment. I hope you are doing good. I hope you are healthy and happy. I imagine seeing you and being with you and seeing you doing things with your kids and making them happy. When I imagine that, then I am actually happy for you. I can't imagine any other way for you than being able to be the great dad that you are. I should not have trifled with that and I'm sorry.

I am struggling with A LOT of things now. I feel like I am kind of drifting. I mean, I know that I can go on and be successful. I worry a little about my health and that future, but I am doing pretty good on it. I eat a lot healthier, not that I was ever too bad. I am exercising more, although once I get settled I can find a better routine.

I MISS YOU SO MUCH! It hurts. I thought of you last night on the way home from 4th of July get together with my sister and bro-in-law side of family. I mean, it's not like I don't think of you all day every day, but that was just the silent, private moment that sticks out it my mind because it just hit me really hard in a sad kind of way and I was getting tears and feeling so much that I needed you and wanted you to hold me.

I hope I am not a terrible person for feeling this and thinking this. And I think I am trying to go and get over it, but I don't want to in most ways if there is ever a chance. That's why I think I really need to know the truth of if you even really wanted me after that day or if you were glad everything fell apart. I hope not even if it is your feeling now. I hope you did not just judge me on my appearance one time since I know it was pretty bad. I understand if you have now "grown" away from your feelings for me, but just hope that they were still there.

I think that one day I will not be able to refrain from talking to you. I wish you would hold up my wish/request and talk to me since I have done pretty well holding up/meeting your request to not contact you. But all's fair in love and war?

I do hope everyone is okay. I wanted really bad to send you something a week or two ago and didn't. I'm so afraid of being found out, or of you being questioned, or of you being mad that I would do it.  But one day maybe I will say WTF and who cares what you think and just be selfish and take care of my damn self because no one else is. I sat and deferred to someone for 18 years and it got me nowhere. I'm not going to let this drag me down no matter what. I have tried to honor you and respect you mostly because I still love you with all of my heart, but also out of dignity and courtesy.  But one day...I don't know if all that will go out the window. It's hard to judge. Mostly I still think you were good, but if I was wrong and IF you really are/were an A-hole, I don't mind kicking your butt. Maybe you deserve it.

OK. At least I am getting this out. I think it helps.

Love always and oh - these quotes hit it on the head in this video.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fhFadSF2vrM&list=LLlUH6-6sm2aE7W0LAA2PLog&feature=mh_lolz

bye friend!
Me

Needing You

I feel like I need you so much right now! I wish so bad that you could hold me, or even just advise me on some of my big issues. Anyway, I keep feeling a sense of dread and have begun to lose hope that I will ever get to have what I want. Maybe what I want is wrong, but it still hurts so much!
It also has been brought to my mind (just this morning the thought came to me when I had one of those pangs of wishing to talk to you and for you to rescue me!) that maybe I need this time alone to really learn what I need to learn to be the best I can be for you. Maybe I'm not ready or prepared. All I can do is dream of you and me (I) being together one day. If that day comes I want it to be perfect, or as close to it as possible. That being said, I know that I have a lot to learn about being a woman and about being more organized. I wish so bad that I had not lived in the terrible mental/emotional situation that I lived in for so long. It is still not easy getting away from it, but I think I will be strong. I have always worried about him and I still do - that is crazy, I know!
Anyway, he has been getting online and getting all kinds of friends and looking for women. It just reminds me of how really insecure I feel at times. I begin to get so scared that I am going to be alone forever, or that I will be weak and fall into some kind of relationship that is really not proper and not what I really want. I mean, I'm not closed to the thought and fact that there may be someone out there for me that is not you - even though I want in my heart and with all my existence for it to be you. I'm afraid that maybe one day you will call and want me and need me and I don't want to have messed anything up. But, I also realize that that kind of thinking is what has held me in this bullcrap for way too long! I kept thinking that the minute I was done with him and gave up on my hopes and dreams and idealism, that he would all of the sudden blossom into something great like the frog turning into the prince, but not for me. I'm really just getting sad remembering this feeling. But, still, I wonder...I question myself and what I am really worthy of and why things seem to be so hard for me. I was so devoted and tried with everything I had for so long! But maybe I was trying and being stubborn for the wrong things and for the wrong reasons.

As you can see, I am so confused! And that leads me to think that you wouldn't be able to stand such a confused person as me, anyway. So, I better get my act together!

Also, I'm not always thinking this or in this state of mind. I think things are just moving along and I am getting scared and stressed and worried. I know that so much is coming up in the world in times ahead. I want so bad to be on the right side with God, and I also want someone who will be with me and take care of me. I don't want to be alone.

I'm also scared that I am being punished or will be punished for what I have done. I hope you forgive me and I know I need to forgive myself.

I guess I really need to be relying on God, which in a way I am. I know that it is he who will bless me with what I need. I also know that a lot of blessings are predicated on obedience to laws/commandments. What if I don't qualify. You know, I actually can relate to that dang Hattie Durham sometimes! And then she just died a martyr in the last book I finished. I hope that is not my fate, but if it is I guess I will be strong by then.

This is really killing me. I feel like I am going to explode. I guess when I get moved, maybe I will have things to take my mind off it, but I don't really see that happening, as I will be by myself a lot.

Well, I will pray for you as I always do. I can only hope that you are praying for me at least every now and then. I hope you have not completely forgotten me.

Love in Christ, and more eternally,
Me

Birthday Cake for You

This is for you...just saying...I want you to lick some frosting! Me too! Cake!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GdvkKUKIVTs&feature=related

Excuse the outburst, but...

It's getting harder

It's getting harder to post on here because there are so many things that go through my mind all day that I want to say to you. I swear I need to talk to you one day! I don't think that I am obsessed, just that I need some answers and/or reconciliation/forgiveness - acknowledgement that I am not pathetic or what I may have come across as. I don't know the best word for it...maybe I will think of it. Anyway, things are a little crazy. I wake up lately with a little sense or feeling of dread, which makes me immediately cry out to God in my mind for help. I need his help to get through all of this!

I imagine seeing you and/or talking to you every day. Hardly a moment, probably for real not an hour goes by that I don't think of you. Maybe it is my guilt? My conscience? I don't know, but I still love you so much that it hurts. I have cried a few times in the last several days just thinking of you when I'm driving to or from work or wherever. I wonder over almost every decision I make what you would say or do or think. Maybe that is mental illness - I don't know. But I know that lately especially today, the thought keeps coming to me that I want to tell you that it is me who needs you to show me the way and lead me and give me strength. I mean, I can be strong and I think I know the way, but I want to be by your side with you and I in agreement and with you as my strength. I never felt as strong and happy as I did with you. You are amazing! I sure hope that you are doing well, having good health, being treated like the super great man that you are. I hope that the kids are enjoying every moment with you and that you have a really nice Father's Day. You truly seem to be one of the best fathers I know.

I am still sorry for any weakness or pain that I caused in your family. I do pray for the right thing to come of this. I know that I probably should not still have the feelings I have for you. And I really do wonder what you think of me. I want you to think good, but I guess that is out of my control for now. I want so bad to talk to you or get you a message somehow to let you know, but I am scared in two ways. 1) that it would put you in a bad position or cause trouble somehow; 2) that you have truly rejected me and don't ever want to hear from me again and would not even want to hear from me.

But what am I to do? I want to at least know if something happens to you. I want you to know that I love you and am cheering for you and have been inspired by you more than you'll ever know.

I also have those selfish thoughts of some of the most precious moments of my life (probably THE most precious except for moments with my children) that you gave me. It brings a coursing of emotion up through my heart and tears to my eyes just thinking of how strongly you made me feel, how alive you made me, how happy you made me. And how I thought that I was making you happy. I thought it was mutual. I just really want to know if it was or if I was just mistaken. I did learn and am still learning with some eye-opening experiences about how the male species is so different. I have been a little naive over the years I guess. Thinking and exalting men and expecting perfection and more out of them than is probably humanly possible. I think I am learning how to accept the reality of some of men's weaknesses and just try to go from there and learn to deal with them. Oh, how I wish that I could learn from you and with you everything I need to know. You did make me feel safe. I am so sorry that I was so nervous. It really was an out of character thing that I was doing. I hope one day you can see and know the real me. I am going to work on myself in a lot of ways to be the best I could possibly be for you. And then, if it's not you, I will be the best for whomever God decides. I can only hope.

God bless you for real! I cannot express enough my regrets for the situation I put us in. I love you in Christ and hope that your faith is growing and becoming stronger. I dare say I hope that one day you will want to find me and help me and help bring me to Christ since I have been a slight failure on my own. I actually do question my own ability and worthiness just like Hattie in the book. I am just about finished with the 8th book. The Mark.

Gotta go even though there is so much more to say. I love you through time and space and right into your comfy shorts - sorry, I just wrote what the thought led to - I am not right! I do want to be on your couch with you. I hope you have not replaced me, unless you have really found good ground with D, then I guess that is okay. But if you are going with other girls off of fb, or games, or Internet, then I am insulted that you would do so with them, but not find a way to talk to me. I actually would really like to know because it might just get me over this if that is the case. If you are just a player. I don't think you were with me - at least not at first, but you never know - if you already were playing around with that, I guess it would be easy for you to go back to. I just hope and pray not - since I have idolized you and put you on a pedestal. However, I do still know that you are male and human...dammit this is not fair that we cannot talk!

OK. Bye now! This has been a rambler!
Me

Frustrated Again

Well, it may have something to do with my staying up too late, but I am just frustrated again, thinking the negative self-talk stuff about your feelings for me. It may be reality, but oh well. I am up in the middle of the night and just bought more lingerie/underthings online! I think I have a new addiction. I went from shoes to the lingerie/bras, etc...

Bad and can get expensive. But they had a sale and I told myself I will return 2 things I just paid full price for 2 weeks ago!

Well, I'm going to try and sleep!

I love you and happy flood day belated!
Me

P.S. I want to own it! (not saying what just in case - and I'm actually thinking of 2 different things, the one led to the other and the first one was most innocent)! :) happy happy happy face <3 and heart!

Just have to post this - Temple!

Today has turned out pretty good, even though I got a speeding ticket this morning getting off the freeway downtown. ugh!

I have been praying more the past few days. I'm trying to let God know that I know I need him and I need the cleansing blood of Christ in my life and I need to remember it every day to keep from being led astray. Anyway, it seems to have buoyed my mood, or maybe I'm just bi-polar lol!

Once again, I keep feeling so many things and thinking so many different thoughts about you (all day every day as if that needs to be stated- ha!). So, I was reading a headline that came today about the LDS temple renditions being released for the Indianapolis and the Hartford, CT temples. So, I went to see if there were any renderings for the Philly one. I didn't find any so maybe they have not been released. But, I would think that there has to be some drawing somewhere since they broke ground on it last Sept.

That is what I wanted to post here. This newsroom story...

Church Breaks Ground for Philadelphia Pennsylvania, Trujillo Peru Temples

A new building will soon be added to the Philadelphia skyline. Leaders from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, with the help of local community leaders, broke ground for the Philadelphia Pennsylvania Temple on Saturday, 17 September 2011.

Salt Lake City —  17 September 2011

What struck me is that this was so close to that 9/23/11 date, that I just still can't wonder if this is part of the reason for what happened. Because that first day or second day - whenever it was that you talked to me about the night and the WTF. I remember feeling so strongly that WTF - I should share the gospel with you. It was a strange and scary thing...I was still not quite understanding what was going on and I really did not have a particular reason I had called you. Like I said, I had thought of you many, many times over the years and on at least one occasion tried to find you. I remember way back when calling the phone information (411) in Birmingham, AL because that's all I knew about you was that you were going to Birmingham. So, obviously Birmingham always brought you to mind. But, you must not have had a phone in your name, so I never found you. That was probably before I was married because I'm not sure if any other times I would have actually gone that far, even though there were other times I thought about you and wondered about you and what could have been.

Anyway, back to the point. I just felt it and I know I let it out to you in some kind of rambling, super highly emotional way back last September. I know I didn't do that great of a job with it. Anyway, I also felt a super strong spiritual connection with you all along while we were talking. It was electrifying. Then, after this horrible and tragic ending to my bliss :) - I have had other times where it just clearly came to mind that you should be prepared to go to that temple whenever it opens or is dedicated. And of course I have to throw in here just my random thought that popped up now - that maybe you and I could be sealed there together for time and eternity. That would be the most crowning moment of my life if it ever happens. I want so much to be your queen for this life and eternity. Enough said and I'm not going to go down the weepy, bash myself road, either. Cuz if you don't like me, tough - you are missing out on a lot! But also, maybe that's not what God intends. Maybe like I said at the very beginning - it's not about me, but about a blessing to your family that maybe I could share. And maybe in return you were a blessing in disguise for me because you may be the only reason that I am able to remain strong lately amidst my world crashing down on me. You are my light at the end of the tunnel for now.

I've got to stop now because I really don't want to cry, but I just start getting too emotional knowing that God is blessing me no matter how it seems at the moment. I know he is watching over me and you and our children. He is leading us and guiding us and hopefully that is apparent to us and we will stay in tune with the spirit enough to let him lead us.

So, I am praying that He will prepare your heart and mind and either bring you to the gospel now before I ever see you, or that you will have an open heart and mind ready for me to share with you all that I wanted to but failed to do due to my own weakness. I'm sorry again for my inability to control the powerful feelings that I had. I should have known better, but I am human, and that's what we have his love, grace, and sacrifice for - to wash us clean and to help us bear our burdens. Hang in there!

I love you in Christ, and you know I love you deep, deep, in my heart and with my all my existence (word stolen from you - ha!).
Until next time...
Me

Soulmate Still

Okay. I have been putting my self in a bind here going through youtube songs putting them into my you folder/list! I am a glutton for punishment! I know! I am going to have to kick your butt one day!

But anyway, I just wanted to post this one for you. Soulmate by Josh Turner.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1-86UQrYfqw&feature=related

I love you always and forever til the end of time.
Me

Someone Like You

Just want to post these lyrics because I sing this one a lot and think of you. I know - I should move on, is what you would probably tell me. Oh well.
Someone Like You lyricsSongwriters: Adele Laurie Blue Adkins;Daniel Dodd Wilson


I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now
I heard that your dreams came true
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light

I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me, it isn't over

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you, too
Don't forget me, I begged, I remember you said
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised in a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited
(From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/a/adele-lyrics/someone-like-you-lyrics.html)
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me, it isn't over yet

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you, too
Don't forget me, I begged, I remember you said
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead, yeah

Nothing compares, no worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don't forget me, I begged, I remember you said
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you, too
Don't forget me, I begged, I remember you said
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead
Goodnight my love...til I see you for eternity...hopefully soon.
Me

"The Poem" roughdraft

Okay, I thought this poem up on about 4/30/12 or 5/1/12. It is titled "I Crave". I wrote it down a few days later in rough draft. If I was to actually give it to you, I might would modify it. But, for the record, here's how it got written down:

I CRAVE (by yours truly - serendipity soul mate)

I crave your touch,
I crave your voice,
I crave your eyes and your gaze.
I crave your body,
I crave your warmth,
I crave your embrace and it's safety.
I crave your passion,
I crave your heart,
I crave your openness and your vulnerability.
I crave your mind,
I crave your conversation,
I crave your strength and directness.
I crave your arms,
I crave your smile,
I crave your fun and loving spirit.
I crave you sight of you standing over me,
I crave laying next to you.
I crave riding "the roller coaster" with you both in person and in spirit.
I crave the miracle of your love.
I hope I don't have to live eternity without you.

Okay. I will probably post some lyrics in the next post.

And Oh, I read today a transcript of one of the last of our conversations - probably the Thursday or Friday before the best and worst day of my life. Anyway, reading that made me think again that maybe you do still care and think about me. Your love for me then seemed to be so real and sincere. Could it have just died in an instant? I hope not.. I hope that you just pushed it aside to "do the right thing" for your kids. I can totally understand that. I just want you to know that I really, really, really felt sincere, deep love for you and it was a deep and abiding love. There was something much stronger than the "animal magnetism", at least I believe so from my side. Maybe one of these days I will understand. I know I need to move on and focus on getting myself right and on preparing myself to be the best woman possible for you. You only deserve me at my very best and I have not been on my best behavior. Partly because I am driven by this need, this hunger, this determination, curiously, this raw yearning to know what it is/was all about, and also the burning desire to have what I only hope God will bless us with one day in his own time and in his own wisdom if it will bless us and if we are worthy of it.

I hope you don't think I sound crazy or obsessed. Unless this actually is what obsession is...I'm not completely denying that accusation. But it doesn't feel that way to me. I also know that if something wonderful came along in my life, I wouldn't pass it up, especially if I was living right because that must be what God has in store for me. But, let me tell you, it would be hard for me to even let that something good get a foot in the door with you on my mind, heart, body, and soul. If I am wrong in feeling and thinking and saying this, then I guess I will be condemned. I don't want that. I want to be your everything, I want to walk beside you and make you the happiest man on the planet and the happiest Dad in eternity because I believe that if we could have what I know God provides through the temple ordinances then we could have children beyond this life and that is one thing that I would love to give you more than anything because you are such a great Dad. I know your children bring you joy. I want to share that with you so much.

Well, my crazy self is getting carried away. I want to read more in the series. I am still on book 8 right now.

I've got to stop even though with you there is no convenient stopping point. I just hope God leads me to know when is the right time to contact you. Or, even better, I hope that he will lead you to contact me since I am scared to contact you for fear it might ruin everything AGAIN!

Good night heavenly gift from God, gorgeous, brilliant, gentle angel of light, peace, pleasure, and perfection (ha I know not yet, but we can maybe reach it together)!

Love,
Me

Scared and Lost

I think I am at my worst right now, or maybe yesterday was the worst. I can't even begin to tell you how crazy I have been lately. I don't know exactly why, maybe because I quit taking the antidepressant/anxiety which I really didn't want to take in the first place. I think one of the main reasons, though, is that I cannot get over you. You haunt me (for lack of a better word, and I did smile and laugh after I typed it). I wonder if the word doppelganger would work for you. That is what I was just called recently. Anyway, I had a very bizarre encounter on twitter and I was also called an ephemeral phantasm from beyond twitter. Anyway, it left me very shaken and I learned a few things. I know that I have been on twitter a lot lately and have gotten more and more interested in some of the people on there, especially the ones from PA. I even follow this one guy on there who is from J-town. Weird. I am afraid to really talk much to people on there for fear that I might reveal too much about my self. I am sooo messed up today. I was super depressed yesterday after the late night twitter thing. I also am a little depressed about knowing that I am probably pushing my estranged spouse over the edge, too. So, I will feel a little responsible for that although I know that I shouldn't. It just makes me want to cry so much to know how much I am destroying the life that I have known for 18 years. And no one would answer their phone yesterday to talk to me.

I also am starting to realize or suspect that I may have made way too much out of the experience I had with you. I really thought you loved me and wanted me and it made me feel like the luckiest, happiest, most content person in the world. I felt like a princess with you. But I realize that there is a lot of game playing going on online and you might have been very practiced with that. I'm not saying that you treated me like one of those. It's just that if you had those kinds of relationships already, then you may have even misconstrued what I was feeling. You may have thought that I had even had that before, which I had not.

Anyway, I really almost sent you a message today. It's just that I am scared to death to mess anything up for you (probably mostly selfish - in that I know you would hate me if you don't already, but I also just would not want you unhappy with your kids situation). I HATE this situation that I have put myself in. And I swing from one end to the other on wanting to either just dive further into the downward spiral I have created and get lost in the craziness and keep trying to fill the void left by you or to cut myself completely off from all of this stuff and try and focus on myself and my future with my family, job, move, further education, preparedness for the future, and on actually finding/meeting a decent person who could actually have something to offer me - not someone that already has a family. Part of my problem there is that I feel so weak and unworthy and unsure of my own devotion and ability to do right. I am so afraid that I am going to be too easily taken in by the wrong person just because of my vulnerability. I wanted to send you a message requesting help. I thought of sending HELP any way? in code. I just don't know what is safe - I don't feel like anything is safe to say to you so I should just get over your mean ass and move on. I have stupid thoughts. I feel that you are very uncaring and unthoughtful to have let me go this long anyway without contacting me at all. But then my stupid ass makes rationalizations that you may think that I don't want to see you or talk to you ever again, either for your own excuse, or you really feel that. I'm just so furious and frustrated that I NEED TO KNOW. I really need to know 1) did you decide you were done with me already before the wwe trick/worst night of your life? 2) was is just because of my physical appearance or actions? 3) did you think I did anything intentionally 4) what would you recommend I do different in the future to keep from falling into that again? 5) kind of joking - if there are girls who do that for a "living" online - how do I get in on it? HAHA

One of these days I'm beginning to think that you do owe me the answers to my questions. You don't owe me love, or loyalty, or devotion since that is something you committed to someone else, although to me you had already made some pretty strong statements to me that led me on. Like "I'm all yours" among other things.

I signed by job offer for Chicago. I should be up there within a couple or few months. It is going to be crazy and I think I will probably cry a lot. I want some companionship, and I know I am even thinking of very bad things. Maybe I should get back on the medication. I did feel better. I just don't want to be stuck on it. I am going to try doing yoga a lot to help. I want to be a yoga instructor or something when I retire. Maybe j-town needs some yoga instructors? HA!

Well, I wonder what in the heck you would think about this that I am writing. I wonder if it is completely foolish. Anyway, I miss your stupid a**.

Believe me, I think I have slowly destroyed 9 without intention, but he will survive and is starting to figure it out.

Well gotta go since it is 2:06am! I wish so bad I could be talking to you now, or even better snuggled up next to you, or even better spooning either after or before a bad-as* session of you know what. I wish I could show you my new bras.

I sure hope I don't die before I ever get to see you again.

I love you! Plain and simple.
Me

Through the Silences

I just have to say this at least seems like the hardest thing I've ever done (being away from you and completely out of contact). I have such a longing and pain. I think of you so often and it often brings a pain and a tear (which I think is not good for my wrinkles!) just because of that feeling of longing, I guess that's how to describe it.

I just read this small quote and of course it ripped through my heart thinking that that describes me and I hope that my love is always "heard" by you.

"Even through the silences love is always heard"

Well, that's all. Things are not going too great for me right now, but I will survive and I believe that I will thrive, too. It's just that the world is scary. Sorry if you still have any problems or regrets related to me. I wish you all the happiness in the world and also in eternity where I think I would love to be with you and there we could have together what we could not have here. I won't really say what until I get to see you.

It's probably a pipe dream - me and my crazy fairy tail - but, it is nice to imagine anyway!

I LOVE YOU!
Me

Thursday Bite

Just had to say "Hi" and I am thinking of you often. In fact I am going to pray for you right now. I have a little "rock" of sorts that has a cross that says Faith inside a little clear class "bubble". I carry it in my pocket when I can and it reminds me to pray and so of course it reminds me of you.

Okay. I finished praying now. It is super hard praying for you not knowing your situation at the time. I guess it is blind faith. I hope you are well and happy. You are an amazing person and you probably don't find it too hard to be happy and not let things drag you down. You seem pretty resilient. I am that way overall like with my general disposition and optimistic nature, but I do get down and I do get extremely tied up in things of the heart even thought I probably try to hide it and do a pretty good job most of the time. I just keep on living!

Well, gotta go. I have a super busy weekend with weddings and dance recitals in the family.

I love you soul mate!
Me

Weird...

So, it is weird. I am at a loss of what to say. I guess maybe there is so much going on and so many things happening to me, and I wonder so often what the heck you think of me...I think as time goes by I get more and more convinced that you just didn't like what you saw and that made it easy for you. I feel so strongly in my heart, though, and I believed so strongly in what I felt - the feeling that I was almost positive that we shared - that it puzzles me. Man! I need to know one day soon. God help me. OK well, I think I am going to like Chicago. I wonder if they are making me wait on purpose or what? It's exciting and scary at the same time. And sometimes I feel bad for wanting to find a man who will love me and treat me right. I know that I have one who loves me, but he just did me wrong too many times, and I think was just wrong for me from the beginning. It's terrible that I feel that way, but I think that there is just no going back.
Oh how I wish we could talk and at least be friends even though I know it might be impossible and to weird. I just miss you - so much about you. I know I sound dumb saying that, but it is what it is.

Bye!
Me

Poems and More Poems

BTW, I do have the I Crave poem written down at home and keep forgetting to bring it so that I can copy/type it in here.

Also, here is one that I intended to send you way back when before the proverbial axe fell! The copy I was going to send you sits here on my desk still. It is called Sorting Laundry.

Sorting Laundry

Folding clothes,

I think of folding you

into my life.

Our king-sized sheets

Like tablecloths

For the banquets of giants,

Pillowcases, despite so many

Washings, seams still

Holding our dreams.

Towels patterned orange and green,

Flowered pink and lavender,

Gaudy, bought on sale,

Reserved, we said, for the beach,

Refusing, even after years,

To bleach into respectability.

So many shirts and skirts and pants

Recycling week after week, head over heels

Recapitulating themselves.

All those wrinkles

To be smoothed, or else

Ignored; they’re in style.

Myriad uncoupled socks

Which went paired into the foam

like those creatures in the ark.

And what’s shrunk

Is tough to discard

Even for Goodwill.

In pockets, surprises:

Forgotten matches,

Lost screws clinking on enamel;

Paper clips, whatever they held

Between shiny jaws, now

Dissolved or clogging the drain;

Well-washed dollars, legal tender

For all debts public and private,

Intact despite agitation;

And, gleaming in the maelstrom,

One bright dime,

Broken necklace of good gold

You brought from Kuwait,

The strangely tailored shirt

Left by a former lover….

If you were to leave me,

If I were to fold

Only my own clothes,

The convexes and concaves

Of my blouses, panties, stockings, bras

Turned upon themselves,

A mountain of unsorted wash

Could not fill

The empty side of the bed.

Elisavietta Rtchie (b. 1932)

 

I had signed it with a IWGOWY.
I'm not too sure about that, and even at the time I thought that it might actually make you think more of you know who than me, but whatever the case it always makes me think of you.

OK. Enough now. Gotta go.
Love again and hugs and kisses and rubs and bites (sorry!),
Me (shameless me)

A Little Busy, but Still...

I have been just a little busy, so it has only slightly taken my mind off of you. I have been in training class this week. But, I look at your pictures every day. I am sorry if that sounds stupid. I promise I am not obsessing over you. I just really feel a sense of loss, but not real closure. It really is terrible - that feeling. I guess I am kind of pathetic in that way.

Anyway, I just have to mention that a few days ago - I think it was Saturday or Sunday, the 5th or 6th - as I was reading book 7 "The Indwelling", I ran across a couple of things that gave me additional things to wonder about. WTH is all of this about? It just seems so meant to happen, which I guess I already know that - I just don't know why or if there is anything to expect in the future or if every WHY of it has already been accomplished and I just don't know.  Does that make any flipping sense at all? I hope so. If anyone can understand my confusion and dismay I think it would be you. SO, the things that jumped out at me when I was reading were:

1. in chapter 10 on page 189 when Hattie said "It's all right, Buck. You owe me nothing." Sound familiar. He went on to reply, "It has nothing to do with owing you anything, Hattie. I'm in the middle of a situation myself..." So first off it struck me that she even said that and I don't know where I got those words from back in Nov 2011, but you sure jumped on them and turned them around on me. Secondly, it also reminded me that although I don't think you actually owe me anything (morally), I actually was expecting something from you (maybe at least emotionally)...more than what has happened so far <crickets>. Then lastly, I also kind of take hope from Buck's statement where he has an "excuse". But whatever! It still struck me that the "similarity" was there. 
2. in chapter 13 on page 241 when Tsion is having his out of body "vision" experience, it states ...It was as if he dangled between the nose and cheekbone of some heavenly Mount Rushmore image. Anyway, I hope you remember why that one strikes me with it's familiarity, too.

Anyway, it was just kind of wild to run across those things within a day of each other and it keeps pointing me to something and I'm not sure what. It's probably just my punishment to live with these kinds of things for the rest of my life. I promise I have tried to repent of my sins. I know that I can be forgiven, but there is still something wrong. I'm almost thinking that it is my willingness and/or own feeling of unworthiness. Not able to forgive myself and hanging onto the guilt due to no closure - no sureness of my own self that I would not do the same thing if presented with the exact same situation again. Is that bad? I wish you could tell me what you think of my thoughts on that and how you understand the gospel to apply to my predicament.

Anyway, I love you still so deeply that I can't explain it. It does sometimes feel a little different because you are so distant. One day I hope I know...someday. I'm sorry and I'm also embarrassed if you have completely forgotten and gone on. This kind of thing has never happened to me. I also hate to admit that I have wondered if you hadn't already had some kind of "online relationships" in the past that made it more familiar and common to you...that would explain you being more easily able to move on and cast me aside as one of many, and just one big mistake.  Anyway, I will not whine and have pity on myself because I just don't really feel pity for myself.

I LOVE YOU with all my existence (something someone once said to me which I wrote down and will never forget).

Yours totally, completely, and forever (if you will ever have me and if God allows it).
Your soul mate,
Me

Text of a planned "Call" to you

Okay. I just want to paste this here because I wrote it earlier trying to put my thoughts into more concise statements of what I want to say and sit and think about leaving on your voicemail or telling you. I may not get the guts to call, though, and I just want to have it recorded if not for you, then for me.

Here it is:

Hey, first of all I have to say that I am SUPER sorry for what I did that may have caused you any negative consequences or feelings at all. I know that you might possibly be over it now with no problems, but it still bothers me to wonder if you have suffered at all due to me. I don’t want you to harbor bad feelings or thoughts about me because if you do you are just so wrong (haha), but the thing that bothers me the most is just the possibility that the experience could have made your life worse, and that of your family – I care more about that more than my own self. I feel like I made such selfish choices and I can hardly live with myself in that respect. I just want you to know that I am truly sorry for any negative effect on you and the kids especially.

Now, that does not mean that I am sorry it happened. The jury is still out in my mind (and may always be) as to what happened and why, but it was still arguably one of the best experiences that ever happened to me in a lot of ways. I won’t go into all of those ways, but just know that my feelings and actions were pure. I did not intend anything bad, even though I knew it may not “technically” be right as in the right and wrong sense – it felt right and I just went with it with no ill intent. I was so inexperienced with what I was dealing with that it all overwhelmed me. I did not put the brakes on myself when I should have. Self control was out the window. Also, you know I was at a really crazy time in life anyway.

I wish I could ask you some advice about so many things because I sensed that you have a lot of wisdom and common sense (where I may be lacking that common sense sometimes).  You probably also do not need to know all of the thoughts I have right now, but just know that I will not EVER forget you or stop praying for you. You have no idea how big of an impact you have made on me and my whole life. So, I also want to THANK YOU for the inspiration and motivation that you have provided me with without even knowing. BIG HUGS!

It’s so hard to say and there is never an end to all the things I want to and could say, but this may already have been unwelcome and out of line. Sorry, I’ve just been feeling a need to get it off my chest.

A Dad and A mixture of other notes

I can't keep up with the number of things that I want to tell you all day long. There are so many different things that cross my mind.

Last night I was thinking of how much I wished that you could be the father of my children, especially of my daughter. I know that is probably an awful thing to think, but I know that you would have given her so much love and she would have had such a different experience with family and with a real Dad. Anyway, that is probably a very ungrateful statement. I AM however, grateful for the life she has had and the protection that God has had upon her and her spirit. She is a lovely and resilient person and I just feel she deserves so much better. But, who am I to question God? It is not really God that I question, but myself and my foolish, scared decision-making over the years. anyway, I was really longing for you in that way last night..

On another note: I just read this article and thought it would be nice to remember later on, and the last few paragraphs of it sum up quite nicely how I think that I SHOULD view all of the craziness in life and that I should have faith in God through it all. Here is the link.
http://ldsmag.com/church/article/10185?ac=1&start=1

On the other note: I have been thinking of more and more songs everyday that I want to "dedicate" or sing to you. HAHA! I am such a ding-dong, but oh well! You probably figured that out a long time ago. I think that you liked me in spite of it, but I still don't know on that one...you might have decided to discard me partially due to that. Anyway, the most recent song I was thinking of was the one that says, "I want you, I want you so baaad baby. I want yooouu...." Along those lines. :)

I need to make a playlist or CD or something and somehow sometime get it to you. WTF, right?

Okay, gotta go. I wish so bad that you could help me through this tumultuous time.

I love you,
Me

So Bad

I want you so bad right now. I know I am letting myself dwell on the thoughts and that is only making it worse, but oh well. I'm kind of enjoying the thoughts. :). What have you done to me? Awakened the beast, you did. Haha.

Anyway, lots of things have gotten me in this mood today. Oh if I could get my hands on you! Mmm mmm mmm.

All right. Enough, but had to vent it. I love you and hope you are having fun, but not that much fun without me! LOL! I know I am a brat!

Forever your love slave!
Me

oh yeah, the poem

That poem will be coming soon. And you can't imagine all of the crazy ideas that go through my head for actually getting things to you and how I can tell you and show you the things I want to show you. God help me!

Goodbye for now! I really hope you are doing okay and are relatively happy now although I admit that I sometimes secretly (haha what isn't in secret that I feel about you?) hope you are longing for me just as much as I long for you. I know you have a different situation though, so are probably not. I can only hope that you still at least remember me and don't hate me. I will have to completely kick your butt and straighten you out if that is the case because I do not deserve that and I will defend myself!

Bye soulmate!

Well, I tried

Okay, so the backing off is not going so well. I mean that I am still consumed with thoughts of you and yes, some of them are not really appropriate to the current situation. I am still completely in love with you.

I woke up this morning creating a poem in my mind about/for you that I wanted to title "I Crave". I wanted to write it down right away but the time and place was not right and I did not have any of my journals with me or any safe computer.

Also, here is another crazy lovescope for today:

Sagittarius: Sometimes you can be your own worst enemy. If you have a few barriers erected around your heart, try to let them down today. The energy of love and desire that is surrounding you now allows for all sorts of pleasantries to come into your life. These perks can provide the foundations of lots more like it to come, if you allow it to happen. The direction you take today can be the start of great friendships that bring you both wealth and love. If you have a date tonight, it may begin dull or uncomfortable but end rather nicely. By opening yourself up, you will find there really is a natural harmony that exists linking you two. You can talk to each other about anything, and feel totally at ease about it all. This begins a bond between you two.

I could only wish this was between us...haha! I do really know that if we really had the chance, we might not work, but my gosh it felt so right and so powerful...like it would for sure be for eternity. What a cruel trick if not, huh? I guess if that is the case, then it wasn't God because he doesn't do that. Only his enemy who is the father of all lies. Anyway, off of that subject!

Well, copying and pasting crap in doesn't work too well. I guess i should go through word first or something...I keep having to change the font colors and stuff and then it screws up the rest of the post.


Anyway, I am somewhat afraid that I am going to lose out based on my "fear" of contacting you. I'm so tired of being scared. It's not just that...it is that I don't want to harm you or your situation in any way. I don't want to be the cause of it. I just want you to understand the truth and the reality of my situation. Maybe it's not the proper time. I just want so bad to believe that you will remember me and will call me. I have so much hope and faith in you (not like a God - in that way, but you know what I mean). I just hope that I am not really that stupid and gullible. But even if I am WTF? I am just living and loving and going with what seems and feels to be right. And I don't care if you think I am an idiot. I would just like to know so that I can take my idiot tail and stuff it between my legs and move on to my next foolish thing to do and be in life. Whatever! I mean my heart is in it and I mean well. I don't really want to be made a fool of, but I can see that my own stubbornness could be what is making a fool of me. Really, that's probably why I was a fool in my marriage for 17+ years. I was just stubborn in the face of complete opposition and obviously bad choices. But, you did have a point that I did it for my daughter and you may be right...even if I wasn't 100% sure on my own if that's why I was doing it maybe God was watching over her and it is what was best. I still don't know and I still doubt that it many ways, but I can't go back and change things.


The bad thing is that I feel bad for him at times and hate breaking his heart, but I can't let that SH*T get to me - excuse my french because I don't usually (at least didn't used to) use that language. I have just begun to throw all caution to the wind which may be a bad thing, but I am having to get rid of some stress.
Well, I feel that I am just rambling and not getting much said. I feel like I really, really want to talk to you but maybe I should wait on God unlike the last time when I pushed things and really screwed it up. Please, please, please remember me and remember that I am still waiting with unanswered questions and with a heart completely yours. Mind, body, and soul wanting to serve God with you together forever.


Sorry if I sound corny. It is just what I feel. I wish you could just know and tell me if I need to hang it up forever or what. Maybe you will never even read this. Maybe no one ever will. But I think it is helping me to get this out. I love you honestly with my whole being and it's so hard not to just shout it out to the whole world. I would do it if it weren't for your wishes and your safety and happiness at stake.


Bye my friend and causer of great conflict in my heart!
Me

trivial stuff lovescopes

I just wanted to post these "lovescopes" from today.
Aries: Relationships can grow and deepen to a very personal level today. You are at odds right now because you are not sure quite where you stand in your latest relationship. You have certain needs that you would like your new lover to consider from time to time, but it may seem as if that is not too much to ask. Relationships are not one sided Aries; they are of an somewhat equal give and take.  Don’t be afraid to speak up and take a risk on how you feel. If they refuse to listen, then put plan B into action. In either case it leads to a much deeper understanding and bond between you. This isn’t big enough to leave to them but it is big enough to teach them a lesson. They will want something from you soon.
Sagittarius: I hate to tell you that this day will not to start off well, but with time and patience it will change later. Your relationships, particularly sexual or romantic ones take on an intense quality. This creates an ideal opportunity to sort out something that has been causing friction between you and your sweetheart. Your inner feelings and need for love and closeness emerge very strongly and will help you calm the tensions and create a harmonious balance in your relationship. Just in time as you are entering a period of special magnetism and attractive power now. It would be a shame to waste the passion and warm you will feel. You may also channel some of these feelings into creative or artistic that expresses your deepest self.Okay gotta go now...maybe i will reflect on them later, maybe not.

:) be happy!

This isn't easy, but...

Hey, I know that one day I should probably stop writing to you and try to put you out of my mind altogether, but I'm starting to feel okay with this and the more I relax and feel not quite so "consumed" with you and us, it seems like there is still something that is yet to be done.

So, maybe I should not completely try and forget about you, and in some ways I think that is silly. Maybe God wants or needs me to think about you to accomplish some purpose of his which I don't know yet. I'm going to remain open to God, I'm not going to shut him out. I am at least trying to submerge myself in good, wholesome activities and be more involved at church than I have been in a while. I must admit that tonight at our stake conference adult saturday night session, I did not quite feel as spiritual and as strong a witness of the spirit as I have felt in times past. I think that I am really still far from God compared to where I used to be. I probably have not completely worked through the repentance process  because I am so dang stubborn and have just been having wavering thoughts wondering if I am capable of making the commitments and keeping them. I know that no one is perfect and that no one is expected to be, not even the prophets.  Anyway, it is hard to describe and is certainly a personal and private experience and feeling and relationship with God that is unique for each individual. I know also that Satan wants us to judge ourselves harshly and get discouraged and not believe that we are worthy. I do struggle with that worthiness factor sometimes.

In one of the talks at the conference tonight, there were some encouraging words. They came from this wonderfully strong and beautiful and amazing woman, Sister Saylen. She is the current mission president's wife here. I just love her to death. She just had a baby while they are serving their mission here - their 7th child. I think they are around our age, at least I know her husband said that he is 43. Anyway, she talked of how this last child was born 10 weeks premature and held up a teeny-tiny onesie and said that even that little thing was too big for her child when he was born. Anyway, she related it to how sometimes we feel in life that our "call" is too big, that we will never measure up or that we are too small to accomplish the big things that are asked of us. Anyway, I am paraphrasing, but something in the remarks made me realize that I can keep growing. She also mentioned that we are not alone and read some scripture verses that were very encouraging about Christ supporting us with the Holy Ghost and when that it not enough, he sends the angels and when that is not enough he is there for us himself - on our right hand and on our left to bear us up. I am just so blessed and need to remember that Christ has already paid the price and has also manifested himself and his faithfulness and truth to me so many times in life, that I should not doubt and should not fear. There was also another quote about having doubt or fear, too. I can't remember the exact quote, but I will try to look up the scripture verse right quick. Man, I hate not being able to converse with you back and forth and discuss some of these things. But, I guess I completely blew that by being a weak idiot. I hope you will forgive me in your heart and mind. I pray that you will know that I am a better person that what I appeared to be at that crazy time in life. I know that my true weaknesses showed through and that I was physically not too appealing probably, but I think that I have improved on both sides of that and would hope that you would be proud of me now if that doesn't sound too strange.

I'm sorry, but I THINK that you were really sincere in your kindness and caring, even if later realizing the error of some of your other feelings. And at this time, I don't really have anyone else to fill that role. LOL - if that is appropriate. The strange thing is that I do feel you were a friend, but that it just seemed to hard to stay only friends. Maybe one day it will be okay - at least I am hoping. I can tell you though that if it is ever the case we could associate in the future with you with your spouse and me with whatever, it would probably be uncomfortable. I just had the experience of seeing some old friends who are married to each other and I had fooled around with the guy in teenage years - not all the way, but pretty heavy. Anyway, I'm always a little uncomfortable just because I feel guilty since he was a fellow christian/lds and we knew better than what we did so it is just a little embarrassing and I don't even know if his wife knows. That is a good reason to behave - so that we never have embarrassments or regrets.

But, I just hope you don't judge me too harshly and can understand where I came from. I was not a trashy person just interested in that at all. I frankly don't know exactly why I felt so driven and compelled and I look back and wonder if you didn't try to get out of it for whatever reason...that makes me feel even more awful if you didn't even want to do it and here I was being the aggressor! That was totally not my way of life at all for at least20 years! You just brought out the animal - haha!

Well, gotta go. It is 1:07am and A is finishing getting a talk ready for a big church meeting in the morning - the general session of stake conference. We also are singing in the choir (there are some great songs that I wish you could hear). This child amazes me - I am truly blessed. I wish so bad that I could share her and her accomplishments and stuff with you. But, there I go again wishing for something that is probably still not appropriate - something that would take your time away from your family where your loyalty lies. It's just too bad that she could not experience having a father like you. But, at least she has her Heavenly Father and she knows that she is his daughter. I know that she still gets sad and has a longing for a father to care for her and hug and love her and be proud and take care of her here in this mortal life.

OK once again it is super late. I am rambling on in my random fashion. TTYL.

Me

P.S. This morning I was looking at horoscopes just wasting time and I went back and look at THE 23rd and THE 26th of that month last year and it was pretty freaky how they seemed to fit!

A Change of Heart? Scary, but Good?

Okay. This is weird, but just this morning, I started to feel a little change in my thoughts and feelings  toward you beginning to settle in. I have, of course, been having fleeting and conflicting thoughts at times about what I SHOULD be doing, feeling, saying, etc...but my heart and soul were just longing and missing you so badly, that those longings were usually overpowering and winning out it the battle of thoughts. Haha...do I sound like a complete wacko? I hope not...I am just a deep thinker...always thinking and always wondering and always wanting to do the right thing (at least 99% of the time :) ).

My epiphany :) (of sorts) in the shower this morning (I want to write it before I forget too much):
I don't know where I was thinking first, but believe me I think of you all flipping day - it irks me at times.
So, I think I started singing the hymn titled The Spirit of God in the shower, and then that got me thinking of the temple, which got me thinking of you, which then led to your love of your children/family, then led to thinking as to how you would probably so love the doctrine of the sealing/temple marriage/"forever families" because you are so committed to that duty as a father. In fact it just now the thought of you and your dedication just overwhelmed me and brought tears to my eyes. You don't know how impressed I am with that and how much I actually reverence and admire you for it. Back to the epiphany story: It then got me feeling a little regret and feeling that I want to tell you that I am so, so, sorry for even endangering your relationships with your own children - the most sacred next to that of your spouse. I promise I did not intend it ever - it was not planned and I still wonder what in the world happened and why.  It really was not like me at all. I keep wanting to thank you so much for the inspiration that you have provided me. Every time I look at anything about myself and like it or feel good about it, I think of you because most of what I have become is because of that brief but marvelous encounter, however detrimental it was in other ways.  How bittersweet! Anyway, I was also thinking that I would love for you to be able to go visit one of the temples and I know that they are about to open a Philadelphia one if it has not already happened. I felt so strongly that you should go there just to learn more and just to be inside and have the opportunity for God to speak to you through the holy spirit and whisper to your heart and soul if that is what he wants for you...and to show you how much he loves you and can strengthen you through his spirit which is obtained by seeking him and seeking to live his commandments. And the more you are desiring to have faith and to have him lead you, which I think you are, the more he will lead you and guide you and support you. He is always there waiting to bless us beyond measure I believe. He is just waiting for us to seek, to knock, to ask, and of course to humble ourselves and submit to his will. He knows our struggles, he knows our hearts, he knows our weaknesses and strengths. Anyway, I know that he will bless you and I pray that he will. I think that you are a very, very kind and generous and good hearted man who loves his family very much and would do anything to ensure their safety and security.

You are amazing and I hope you know it and I hope you continue to strive for the best and to love yourself and you will be super blessed and happy. I am praying for it for sure. I still hope to see you one day and find out how God has taken care of you and blessed you . I also hope to confirm that I did not cause a catastrophe and that I can be forgiven for the awful, selfish acts of weakness that may have brought you trouble and pain. I'm just hoping that maybe we can both see what good came to us out of this...maybe you are as stubborn as me - as I have always been - and God needed to jolt you to some kind of wake up, something to bring yourself to life and love. I can only hope and pray that you are happy in the light of Christ right now and in the future.

Another thought...I believe that we (as a human race) did live with God as spirits before we came to this earth...maybe you and I did know each other there and were friends...maybe that's why I felt such a connection to your spirit. Maybe we promised each other way back then that we would help each other in this life to make it back to our Father. Well, now I'm crying again...maybe the spirit is witnessing to me that that is true. Anyway, I have to quit worrying about you and just trust God and trust you that you are good and fine. I was probably the one that needed the most help because I was on a downward path that immediately reversed the minute I spoke to you. I'm not going to say that I will be able to maintain my path and that I will never make mistakes again. I still don't feel that I am completely back reconciled to God and his commandments and my covenants I have made with him, but I know that I have experienced what I needed to for whatever reason...once again, I am reminded of your simple, faithful statement "God has a plan".

Please take care of yourself!
Love always,
Me