Do I Really Want to Do This To Myself?

Well, I have not written in forever, but that does not mean that one day goes by without thinking of you. I still miss you greatly and sometimes wonder if while I am trying to meet new people if I even really want something else to work out...I sometimes hold onto the "maybe someday" or the "you never know"...

But then, I remember that I never found out exactly how you even felt about me after that crazy day - and the worst day of our lives.

I'm so scared that you don't even want to ever see or speak to me again and that you hate me. I don't know if scared is the right word, but...

Let me tell you though - I have been in a whirlwind of trouble that I am creating for myself...maybe you just helped awake the beast in me.

I miss you so bad!

I saw your picture of your family online and I guess you all looked pretty happy - it was a little blurry and I see that it looks like you have a "grandchild" now, or at least a step-grandchild. That looks fun.

My baby is getting married, she got engaged. I wish so much that you could have been there with me for it. I also need to keep an eye on when that PA temple is going to be ready because I think you really should go and  take your family, too, when they have the open house. Maybe it would mean something to you guys, or maybe not...in any case it would be a nice and beautiful thing to see that you might not get a chance to every day.

Of course, if your family is not on the same page with you, then maybe it would at least remind you of me and maybe plant a seed for something way down the line when things are safe.

That is probably wrong for me to even say.

You might not be happy with the way I have been lately, either. I have tried meeting some guys...met a few nice people, one that really likes me, a couple of major jerks, several young guys that just want a hook-up, a really nice and funny executive to name a few...and a British guy on the train.

I also have had an online friend off and on...but he says I need to find a boyfriend (I guess so I can leave him alone).

All right - I hope you are doing good and I hope you are getting to take your little mini-me to the football games. I always wish that I could go to a game there and just see you from a distance...I hope you are happy, I think you deserve it. I have made a humongous mess of myself, but try not to admit it. I'm sure I have really disappointed God and I hope I would not disappoint you, too, but I am trying and still desiring to be good. I am just so confused and lonely. I miss my family and friends.

Gotta go - I hope one day you get to read this.

I love you always soul mate,
Me