I just titled this as the last word that came to mind as I was looking at the list of posts before clicking New Post.
I just want to say that I still think of you probably every day. I really don't think a day goes by that I don't think of you. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I don't. But usually I at least feel a longing for you and your love. I also feel that I just want to talk to you again but I have a huge fear if what would happen. I don't want to mess anything up, but I feel I need some closure...I've probably said that a million times now.
Anyway, I just want you to know that I have created a mess for myself as far as love life goes. I have gotten myself into some confusing and painful situations...mostly just personally emotionally painful, not that anyone has done anything to me. I know that it is mostly because I am trying to fill the hole, the void left by the deep love, or whatever you want to call it, that I felt from you. It was ripped away so painfully.
Let me tell you there are some weird men out there, there are some lonely men, some pathetic men, it has definitely been an eye-opening experience doing this online dating thing. It's difficult also to be honest with a guy who I don't really have an interest in, and the thing is I don't even know what I am looking for. So, this is a very confusing time to be dating....ugh, can't prince charming just come find me?
I also worry that God is wanting me to be punished. I am really not living my standards. I have fallen so far from where I thought I was. I guess I need to be humbled, not that I think I ever thought I was better than someone.
OK. It is late, but I've been thinking of writing this for many, many days...so one more thought that came to me tonight. I am SO GLAD that you were strong enough to make the choice you made. I am so proud of the integrity and the commitment that you have. Your kids are blessed and lucky to have you. So is D. And I still can't honestly say that I hope all is hunky dory, even though I can say that I hope that as long as I could talk to you again, then I want that for you...I want you to be happy in your family - REALLY. I know that you could never be happy with me and would and maybe do resent me for the trouble I caused you. But, to finish the thought...those kids definitely need you! You did the right thing - the only thing you could do. I am just sorry that the whole thing ever happened. It really was too much pain, and still is. It was a HUGE life changer for me...I can never go back to being who or what I was before. I really don't know who exactly I am anymore. I am just going with it, though. I am hanging in there, but do get sad and lonely sometimes.
I hope one day you will know how much I really did love you and really loved how you made me feel. Maybe one day we can be friends if I don't F myself up too much. I'm not sure how to even let you know, but I do want you to know if anything ever happens to me - I want you to be able to read this crazy rambling stuff! If not then I hope I will see you in eternity and that we will know each other.
I wish I knew if you ever thought of me. I LOVE YOU.
M
