Okay. This is weird, but just this morning, I started to feel a little change in my thoughts and feelings toward you beginning to settle in. I have, of course, been having fleeting and conflicting thoughts at times about what I SHOULD be doing, feeling, saying, etc...but my heart and soul were just longing and missing you so badly, that those longings were usually overpowering and winning out it the battle of thoughts. Haha...do I sound like a complete wacko? I hope not...I am just a deep thinker...always thinking and always wondering and always wanting to do the right thing (at least 99% of the time :) ).
My epiphany :) (of sorts) in the shower this morning (I want to write it before I forget too much):
I don't know where I was thinking first, but believe me I think of you all flipping day - it irks me at times.
So, I think I started singing the hymn titled The Spirit of God in the shower, and then that got me thinking of the temple, which got me thinking of you, which then led to your love of your children/family, then led to thinking as to how you would probably so love the doctrine of the sealing/temple marriage/"forever families" because you are so committed to that duty as a father. In fact it just now the thought of you and your dedication just overwhelmed me and brought tears to my eyes. You don't know how impressed I am with that and how much I actually reverence and admire you for it. Back to the epiphany story: It then got me feeling a little regret and feeling that I want to tell you that I am so, so, sorry for even endangering your relationships with your own children - the most sacred next to that of your spouse. I promise I did not intend it ever - it was not planned and I still wonder what in the world happened and why. It really was not like me at all. I keep wanting to thank you so much for the inspiration that you have provided me. Every time I look at anything about myself and like it or feel good about it, I think of you because most of what I have become is because of that brief but marvelous encounter, however detrimental it was in other ways. How bittersweet! Anyway, I was also thinking that I would love for you to be able to go visit one of the temples and I know that they are about to open a Philadelphia one if it has not already happened. I felt so strongly that you should go there just to learn more and just to be inside and have the opportunity for God to speak to you through the holy spirit and whisper to your heart and soul if that is what he wants for you...and to show you how much he loves you and can strengthen you through his spirit which is obtained by seeking him and seeking to live his commandments. And the more you are desiring to have faith and to have him lead you, which I think you are, the more he will lead you and guide you and support you. He is always there waiting to bless us beyond measure I believe. He is just waiting for us to seek, to knock, to ask, and of course to humble ourselves and submit to his will. He knows our struggles, he knows our hearts, he knows our weaknesses and strengths. Anyway, I know that he will bless you and I pray that he will. I think that you are a very, very kind and generous and good hearted man who loves his family very much and would do anything to ensure their safety and security.
You are amazing and I hope you know it and I hope you continue to strive for the best and to love yourself and you will be super blessed and happy. I am praying for it for sure. I still hope to see you one day and find out how God has taken care of you and blessed you . I also hope to confirm that I did not cause a catastrophe and that I can be forgiven for the awful, selfish acts of weakness that may have brought you trouble and pain. I'm just hoping that maybe we can both see what good came to us out of this...maybe you are as stubborn as me - as I have always been - and God needed to jolt you to some kind of wake up, something to bring yourself to life and love. I can only hope and pray that you are happy in the light of Christ right now and in the future.
Another thought...I believe that we (as a human race) did live with God as spirits before we came to this earth...maybe you and I did know each other there and were friends...maybe that's why I felt such a connection to your spirit. Maybe we promised each other way back then that we would help each other in this life to make it back to our Father. Well, now I'm crying again...maybe the spirit is witnessing to me that that is true. Anyway, I have to quit worrying about you and just trust God and trust you that you are good and fine. I was probably the one that needed the most help because I was on a downward path that immediately reversed the minute I spoke to you. I'm not going to say that I will be able to maintain my path and that I will never make mistakes again. I still don't feel that I am completely back reconciled to God and his commandments and my covenants I have made with him, but I know that I have experienced what I needed to for whatever reason...once again, I am reminded of your simple, faithful statement "God has a plan".
Please take care of yourself!
Love always,
Me
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