The title here is just what I was doing when I tried to think how in the world can I even get out what is in my heart and soul and mind. I have not written to you on here in forever because it is really painful and I know that every time I come here to write it just goes on and on and I have to have the time to try and let things out. This is kind of my outlet...so you can tell it has built up lately. Believe me so many thoughts go through my head all day long. And right now I wonder if you would think this is completely ridiculous how long I have gone on like this.
I start to cry most times when I think of you. It's so hard to even explain why. And right now I wonder if you would know and if you would understand what I am feeling without me even telling you. I feel like you would. And I so miss having that in my life - what I felt like I had for such a short time!
I must say that I am going to many strange lengths to try and get over you. I feel that I won't ever get over it without seeing and talking to you - at least talking to you - and not just for some short 2 minute bullshit hurry-up-so-you-don't-get-caught conversation. I really need to have some time to talk to you and ask you some things to sort this out in my mind. Or, it might get partially sorted if you happen to act a certain way and just run the dagger through my heart again...I might get dissuaded (sp?). It makes me think that I hope you are happy, but I don't think that she deserves you at all. I could be wrong because I don't know a thing about her.
I have done the craziest thing and gone on a online site...partially prompted by finding my ex was doing so, and then partially after my friend/acquaintance was meeting some people online and encouraged me to do it. So far it has been okay and a little interesting. I have had tons of offers from married guys just wanting a hookup - and I think most of them really want a physical hookup...some may just be looking to chat...I don't know. In any case I have replied to some of them and try to ask them why they are doing that and tell them I am not interested. It does make me wonder if you were like some of these guys. One older guy says that his wife told him they were too old to have sex anymore and just announced they were not doing it any more. That is kind of weird to me, but I guess I don't know what I would do when I am 60's. I would surely hope not to run my husband off to find women to keep him company in that way...how awful!
There are even a few really interesting and good looking and almost perfect sounding guys on there...but of course, the ones that look the best to me are probably not going to be interested in me and vice versa. And, any decent guy who would really be my is not going to be interested in me until I am single. I have not listed my status as single because I am not divorced yet. It has been filed, though. I get plenty of messages and offers from either super young guys, or from men who are not really close, or who i just look at the pictures and just don't think it would be worth meeting them. Besides the fact that it makes me very nervous to meet anyone at all, and especially someone from online....I then start to cry and think how can I ever even really open my heart to anyone else when my heart still belongs to you? I have had a few friendly conversations and gotten some info and stuff on my new city.
Anyway, I am moving - at least the first transition of the move starting this weekend. Temporary housing. I am a huge bundle of nerves and feel so disorganized. I think I have been so used to having someone else to depend on and make decisions with even if it was effed up. I cannot believe that I so bought into the fairy tale of you. And what is even dumber is that I still believe in fairy tales. I don't know if and when I will ever give up, but I am realistic, too. It does scare me to think of having to get to know someone new and the awkwardness of it. That is one thing I liked about you...you did not seem awkward at all...it's like I had known you forever and like it was meant to be. In so many ways. Either God led me to that or the Devil did.
I think this post is getting too long and i might have to break it up into two.
I don't remember if I ever told you about so many of the things that led up to that amazing September day. Oh and I just realized a weird coincidence the other day, too. I had been thinking of the anniversary of that day and think of that number often. I was driving home and for some reason was thinking of your phone number. I think it was because of another new number I got. Anyway, I just realized that the numbers for the date were the numbers from your phone number and it just hit me as one of those moments - I can't think of the word, but I think you know...just like how in the world we ever hooked up and had been thinking of each other around the same time after so long?
I feel like I blew it and I hope I didn't blow it forever. If so, then it must have been meant to happen, but for some other reason...like maybe just to get me in a different place so that something else good for me could happen. Believe me my situation now is no freaking picnic, but part of it is just my own emotions and mental coming to terms with everything happening to me at once and i have been a co-dependent person for so long I need to get emotionally healthy. I hope I can get to be the best I can be for you - if not for you, then for my next prince charming to come along that you helped prep and set me up for. I will never, never, never forget you or the love and the feelings you brought out in me that were buried so deep inside. I will also never forget the horrendous, worst soul-wrenching pain I ever felt afterward.
I love you forever and pray for you and think of you endlessly.
Me
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