Waaah.

I just feel liking saying waaaah when I go back and read some of these. I am still in such a strange transformational phase...or maybe I'm just crazy lol! But, really - I think I have been confused for a while, and completely emotional. I was taking that medicine and then tried to stop taking it. I think I will just take it again since I seem to fall apart a lot when not taking.

My baby daughter is getting married in one month. I can't believe it! She is so precious and I will miss her so much being around.

Anyway, gotta go and take care of a lot of things...just was thinking about you and was actually trying to find a phrase/quote that I thought I wrote in one of these posts and got carried away...

Oh - and in case any stranger is reading these who is not "my old friend", you can probably tell that this is kind of a private mind-clearing/rambling thing that is not even really expected to be read by him because he might get in trouble. As far as I know he does not know this blog exists.

Goodbye and Happy Thanksgiving!

Me x

Here I Am

Hey handsome!

I am still missing you and still loving you. It is probably some kind of mental illness lol! Anyone would probably tell me I am crazy, including you. In any case, at least you are some kind of light in the darkness for me. Something to hold on to and give me hope, however misguided and deluded that may be. And it's not actually a belief or hope that I will be with you, but just a hope in that there is something for me out there, some reason I was meant to be in this effed up situation. 

I really miss you and still hope I can talk to you one day but have an absolute fear of either rejection or of completely pissing you off and messing up your life again. I could not do that to you because of the feelings of care and respect I have for you and for your children.

I will tell you that I am a mess. I probably need medication. I have been talking to my temporary roommate a lot about it lately. She thinks I should try her ADD medication. I know I probably have that, but hate taking pills for ANYTHING. I'm not even taking what my doctor recommended for the cancer prevention. I sit and wonder many mornings and plead to God not to let me die or get cancer to come back. I worry a whole lot and I thought I was getting away from that. 

I at least finally shut down the stupid online dating site. I also let the one guy know who really liked me that I just was not ready to date and could not offer what needed to be. He still wanted me to keep in touch, but there was just nothing there even though he was a really nice guy. The guy that I actually really like is not really available - imagine that crap! He said he was married but separated, but I think it is more like probably just a sexless marriage and he was looking for something on the side. Not sure, but either that or he just wants to stay married for the sake of his children for at least a few more years. Dang it - why do I have to meet married men or young guys? Why can't I just have you? Just kidding kind of...I probably don't deserve you anyway.

I did finally go to church up here. I met a couple of nice people and one of the bishopric works at my same company. I have fallen so far spiritually from where I was even just several months ago. It actually all started a year or so before I talked to you and obviously took a dive off a cliff about a year or so ago.I struggle so much with my own self analysis. I constantly am confused about what is best and what to do - although that is probably just a cop out. I worry that God is mad at me and sees me as weak and unworthy. You have no idea how painful it will be to see my daughter go to get sealed in the temple and I cannot be there just because of a few behaviors I have taken up lately. The thing is that I know what's right and I know that's what I want to do. I could probably "confess" and be okay, but I am not sure in my heart if I can trust myself that I am really sincerely dedicated to being faithful to the promises I must make.

It's hard to explain and probably VERY BORING to you and you could probably care less anyway. I also am struggling with physical self esteem too. I feel so old and ugly a lot of the time...I wonder if I could ever even get any decent man for a real relationship. What is going to attract a good quality man? I don't know if I could even attract you now...you probably shut that door to your heart when you saw me. I am not what I was 20 years ago at all. I am working on it, but may never compete with many women.

I kind of like my British friend from the train. He seems sweet and nice, although I only saw him once and we just talk a little on text back and forth. He seems nice, but is much younger and has 3 kids, too. I don't know if he is divorced yet either, but is separated. He may come back for a visit and I would like to at least meet him to go out as we had pleasant conversation and fun. Probably won't go anywhere, but was fun to think about. 

I really just want you, but why? Do I feel it is the easy way out? I don't think so. I just think that my feelings were so strong and real and true - they were not forced at all. I picture your face so often, mostly that age old visual memory I have of you sitting there asking me to go to Birmingham with you, but then also I picture you sitting across from me having a burger throwing little balled up straw paper at me and smiling. I picture you looking into my eyes and asking me if I was disappointed. I was so freaking naive back then! I don't blame you for not wanting to see me again. I had no clue how to dazzle and/or impress a man, and didn't really have the time or resources to prepare back then. Oh, if only I could go back, I would knock your socks off and never let you go! Of course, that would just be your decision and I know the timing was bad, and maybe you wish you had never talked to me.

It just seems so strange to have been so close and then just to have it yanked away in the blink of an eye - it still makes me cry to remember how it felt. I wonder if you ever think of me - you know with guys and girls being so different and all, I realize that you may not. If you wanted to talk to me, I know you could find a way. So tah-dah! The answer is obvious!

I still get all sappy and bs over a million songs that remind me of you...I'm such a geek!

Well, my friend, my fallen lover :-), my Romeo (okay I'm dorky enough already), I must bid you farewell for the evening, anyway.

Lots of love and best wishes and thoughts headed your way and across the miles and airwaves. I hope you feel my love and care for you in your heart and mind and soul. I hope God knows the feelings and does not condemn them. They do not feel bad or wrong because I am not really acting upon them.

Goodnight my love, laters baby :-)

Yours always,

Me x