A Little Busy, but Still...

I have been just a little busy, so it has only slightly taken my mind off of you. I have been in training class this week. But, I look at your pictures every day. I am sorry if that sounds stupid. I promise I am not obsessing over you. I just really feel a sense of loss, but not real closure. It really is terrible - that feeling. I guess I am kind of pathetic in that way.

Anyway, I just have to mention that a few days ago - I think it was Saturday or Sunday, the 5th or 6th - as I was reading book 7 "The Indwelling", I ran across a couple of things that gave me additional things to wonder about. WTH is all of this about? It just seems so meant to happen, which I guess I already know that - I just don't know why or if there is anything to expect in the future or if every WHY of it has already been accomplished and I just don't know.  Does that make any flipping sense at all? I hope so. If anyone can understand my confusion and dismay I think it would be you. SO, the things that jumped out at me when I was reading were:

1. in chapter 10 on page 189 when Hattie said "It's all right, Buck. You owe me nothing." Sound familiar. He went on to reply, "It has nothing to do with owing you anything, Hattie. I'm in the middle of a situation myself..." So first off it struck me that she even said that and I don't know where I got those words from back in Nov 2011, but you sure jumped on them and turned them around on me. Secondly, it also reminded me that although I don't think you actually owe me anything (morally), I actually was expecting something from you (maybe at least emotionally)...more than what has happened so far <crickets>. Then lastly, I also kind of take hope from Buck's statement where he has an "excuse". But whatever! It still struck me that the "similarity" was there. 
2. in chapter 13 on page 241 when Tsion is having his out of body "vision" experience, it states ...It was as if he dangled between the nose and cheekbone of some heavenly Mount Rushmore image. Anyway, I hope you remember why that one strikes me with it's familiarity, too.

Anyway, it was just kind of wild to run across those things within a day of each other and it keeps pointing me to something and I'm not sure what. It's probably just my punishment to live with these kinds of things for the rest of my life. I promise I have tried to repent of my sins. I know that I can be forgiven, but there is still something wrong. I'm almost thinking that it is my willingness and/or own feeling of unworthiness. Not able to forgive myself and hanging onto the guilt due to no closure - no sureness of my own self that I would not do the same thing if presented with the exact same situation again. Is that bad? I wish you could tell me what you think of my thoughts on that and how you understand the gospel to apply to my predicament.

Anyway, I love you still so deeply that I can't explain it. It does sometimes feel a little different because you are so distant. One day I hope I know...someday. I'm sorry and I'm also embarrassed if you have completely forgotten and gone on. This kind of thing has never happened to me. I also hate to admit that I have wondered if you hadn't already had some kind of "online relationships" in the past that made it more familiar and common to you...that would explain you being more easily able to move on and cast me aside as one of many, and just one big mistake.  Anyway, I will not whine and have pity on myself because I just don't really feel pity for myself.

I LOVE YOU with all my existence (something someone once said to me which I wrote down and will never forget).

Yours totally, completely, and forever (if you will ever have me and if God allows it).
Your soul mate,
Me