Way Effed Up

I am just feeling more effed up than ever! I was just thinking a while ago that I just so wish I could talk to you...I wish I just knew what advice you would give me. I love your heart and know that you would have a good idea what to do. And I actually in no way would want to throw you off the track you are on with your family. I'm glad that SOMEONE is doing the right thing out there! You are a good, good, man and I hope you still are doing good and are healthy and happy this year. I do hope that I could see you as a friend one day if nothing else is ever possible...maybe in another 10 years or so - when I'm even worse old and wrinkly?

Things have just been crazy and I have been so confused as to how to fill this void in my life right now. I know I'm going about it all the wrong ways, but it is too painful to go about it the right ways. Maybe if I get back to church it will get better. I am learning hard lessons, and have not made up my mind. I actually have met this man who I have a craving for. I think he is totally out of my league, though, in a few ways.  Still, I did have an immediate animal magnetism and so when I think of him it's kind of how I think/feel about you. A deep, deep yearning and need for what I feel like when I'm around him or even think of him. But, once again, he is unavailable. I did not know that when I first fell for him. And then I have a poor online friend who I am starting to think I use for my own se*ual gratification, especially when I am drunk and lonely and pissed at the world for all of my own choices and crap I have gotten myself into..

I am learning that "friends" and co-workers can let you down in a heartbeat and throw you under the bus. I guess I've known all along that God is the only person that I can fully trust. I just feel like I don't even fit in or deserve to have God's blessings right now either because of the things I have done. I am drifting and don't fit in anywhere and no one really understands.

I turn to the strangest of people and places. I just thought of the phrase "stranger in a strange land". That is kind of what I feel like.

Well, I do miss you, and weird thing is I'm even missing my husband in some ways - probably the warm body to curl up next to and wake up with every morning! This totally sucks, but I hope is worth it...I know I'm just not doing the right things to get what will really make me happy.

I so miss my daughter! I hope she will be happy in her married life...it happens next weekend. I don't think she has an idea as to how hard it will be. But she has always been so sweet and filled with a great spirit of love, kindness, determination. She has been doing all of the right things in the right way, so she should be blessed.

I am so sorry that I could do and give to you what I wanted to offer you and that instead I brought you down. I hope that you don't feel that in your mind, but I know that you might.

I love you my friend! Merry Christmas!
M x