I just wanted to post these "lovescopes" from today.
Aries: Relationships can grow and deepen to a very personal level today. You are at odds right now because you are not sure quite where you stand in your latest relationship. You have certain needs that you would like your new lover to consider from time to time, but it may seem as if that is not too much to ask. Relationships are not one sided Aries; they are of an somewhat equal give and take. Don’t be afraid to speak up and take a risk on how you feel. If they refuse to listen, then put plan B into action. In either case it leads to a much deeper understanding and bond between you. This isn’t big enough to leave to them but it is big enough to teach them a lesson. They will want something from you soon.
Sagittarius: I hate to tell you that this day will not to start off well, but with time and patience it will change later. Your relationships, particularly sexual or romantic ones take on an intense quality. This creates an ideal opportunity to sort out something that has been causing friction between you and your sweetheart. Your inner feelings and need for love and closeness emerge very strongly and will help you calm the tensions and create a harmonious balance in your relationship. Just in time as you are entering a period of special magnetism and attractive power now. It would be a shame to waste the passion and warm you will feel. You may also channel some of these feelings into creative or artistic that expresses your deepest self.Okay gotta go now...maybe i will reflect on them later, maybe not.
:) be happy!
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Saturday, April 21, 2012
This isn't easy, but...
Hey, I know that one day I should probably stop writing to you and try to put you out of my mind altogether, but I'm starting to feel okay with this and the more I relax and feel not quite so "consumed" with you and us, it seems like there is still something that is yet to be done.
So, maybe I should not completely try and forget about you, and in some ways I think that is silly. Maybe God wants or needs me to think about you to accomplish some purpose of his which I don't know yet. I'm going to remain open to God, I'm not going to shut him out. I am at least trying to submerge myself in good, wholesome activities and be more involved at church than I have been in a while. I must admit that tonight at our stake conference adult saturday night session, I did not quite feel as spiritual and as strong a witness of the spirit as I have felt in times past. I think that I am really still far from God compared to where I used to be. I probably have not completely worked through the repentance process because I am so dang stubborn and have just been having wavering thoughts wondering if I am capable of making the commitments and keeping them. I know that no one is perfect and that no one is expected to be, not even the prophets. Anyway, it is hard to describe and is certainly a personal and private experience and feeling and relationship with God that is unique for each individual. I know also that Satan wants us to judge ourselves harshly and get discouraged and not believe that we are worthy. I do struggle with that worthiness factor sometimes.
In one of the talks at the conference tonight, there were some encouraging words. They came from this wonderfully strong and beautiful and amazing woman, Sister Saylen. She is the current mission president's wife here. I just love her to death. She just had a baby while they are serving their mission here - their 7th child. I think they are around our age, at least I know her husband said that he is 43. Anyway, she talked of how this last child was born 10 weeks premature and held up a teeny-tiny onesie and said that even that little thing was too big for her child when he was born. Anyway, she related it to how sometimes we feel in life that our "call" is too big, that we will never measure up or that we are too small to accomplish the big things that are asked of us. Anyway, I am paraphrasing, but something in the remarks made me realize that I can keep growing. She also mentioned that we are not alone and read some scripture verses that were very encouraging about Christ supporting us with the Holy Ghost and when that it not enough, he sends the angels and when that is not enough he is there for us himself - on our right hand and on our left to bear us up. I am just so blessed and need to remember that Christ has already paid the price and has also manifested himself and his faithfulness and truth to me so many times in life, that I should not doubt and should not fear. There was also another quote about having doubt or fear, too. I can't remember the exact quote, but I will try to look up the scripture verse right quick. Man, I hate not being able to converse with you back and forth and discuss some of these things. But, I guess I completely blew that by being a weak idiot. I hope you will forgive me in your heart and mind. I pray that you will know that I am a better person that what I appeared to be at that crazy time in life. I know that my true weaknesses showed through and that I was physically not too appealing probably, but I think that I have improved on both sides of that and would hope that you would be proud of me now if that doesn't sound too strange.
I'm sorry, but I THINK that you were really sincere in your kindness and caring, even if later realizing the error of some of your other feelings. And at this time, I don't really have anyone else to fill that role. LOL - if that is appropriate. The strange thing is that I do feel you were a friend, but that it just seemed to hard to stay only friends. Maybe one day it will be okay - at least I am hoping. I can tell you though that if it is ever the case we could associate in the future with you with your spouse and me with whatever, it would probably be uncomfortable. I just had the experience of seeing some old friends who are married to each other and I had fooled around with the guy in teenage years - not all the way, but pretty heavy. Anyway, I'm always a little uncomfortable just because I feel guilty since he was a fellow christian/lds and we knew better than what we did so it is just a little embarrassing and I don't even know if his wife knows. That is a good reason to behave - so that we never have embarrassments or regrets.
But, I just hope you don't judge me too harshly and can understand where I came from. I was not a trashy person just interested in that at all. I frankly don't know exactly why I felt so driven and compelled and I look back and wonder if you didn't try to get out of it for whatever reason...that makes me feel even more awful if you didn't even want to do it and here I was being the aggressor! That was totally not my way of life at all for at least20 years! You just brought out the animal - haha!
Well, gotta go. It is 1:07am and A is finishing getting a talk ready for a big church meeting in the morning - the general session of stake conference. We also are singing in the choir (there are some great songs that I wish you could hear). This child amazes me - I am truly blessed. I wish so bad that I could share her and her accomplishments and stuff with you. But, there I go again wishing for something that is probably still not appropriate - something that would take your time away from your family where your loyalty lies. It's just too bad that she could not experience having a father like you. But, at least she has her Heavenly Father and she knows that she is his daughter. I know that she still gets sad and has a longing for a father to care for her and hug and love her and be proud and take care of her here in this mortal life.
OK once again it is super late. I am rambling on in my random fashion. TTYL.
Me
P.S. This morning I was looking at horoscopes just wasting time and I went back and look at THE 23rd and THE 26th of that month last year and it was pretty freaky how they seemed to fit!
So, maybe I should not completely try and forget about you, and in some ways I think that is silly. Maybe God wants or needs me to think about you to accomplish some purpose of his which I don't know yet. I'm going to remain open to God, I'm not going to shut him out. I am at least trying to submerge myself in good, wholesome activities and be more involved at church than I have been in a while. I must admit that tonight at our stake conference adult saturday night session, I did not quite feel as spiritual and as strong a witness of the spirit as I have felt in times past. I think that I am really still far from God compared to where I used to be. I probably have not completely worked through the repentance process because I am so dang stubborn and have just been having wavering thoughts wondering if I am capable of making the commitments and keeping them. I know that no one is perfect and that no one is expected to be, not even the prophets. Anyway, it is hard to describe and is certainly a personal and private experience and feeling and relationship with God that is unique for each individual. I know also that Satan wants us to judge ourselves harshly and get discouraged and not believe that we are worthy. I do struggle with that worthiness factor sometimes.
In one of the talks at the conference tonight, there were some encouraging words. They came from this wonderfully strong and beautiful and amazing woman, Sister Saylen. She is the current mission president's wife here. I just love her to death. She just had a baby while they are serving their mission here - their 7th child. I think they are around our age, at least I know her husband said that he is 43. Anyway, she talked of how this last child was born 10 weeks premature and held up a teeny-tiny onesie and said that even that little thing was too big for her child when he was born. Anyway, she related it to how sometimes we feel in life that our "call" is too big, that we will never measure up or that we are too small to accomplish the big things that are asked of us. Anyway, I am paraphrasing, but something in the remarks made me realize that I can keep growing. She also mentioned that we are not alone and read some scripture verses that were very encouraging about Christ supporting us with the Holy Ghost and when that it not enough, he sends the angels and when that is not enough he is there for us himself - on our right hand and on our left to bear us up. I am just so blessed and need to remember that Christ has already paid the price and has also manifested himself and his faithfulness and truth to me so many times in life, that I should not doubt and should not fear. There was also another quote about having doubt or fear, too. I can't remember the exact quote, but I will try to look up the scripture verse right quick. Man, I hate not being able to converse with you back and forth and discuss some of these things. But, I guess I completely blew that by being a weak idiot. I hope you will forgive me in your heart and mind. I pray that you will know that I am a better person that what I appeared to be at that crazy time in life. I know that my true weaknesses showed through and that I was physically not too appealing probably, but I think that I have improved on both sides of that and would hope that you would be proud of me now if that doesn't sound too strange.
I'm sorry, but I THINK that you were really sincere in your kindness and caring, even if later realizing the error of some of your other feelings. And at this time, I don't really have anyone else to fill that role. LOL - if that is appropriate. The strange thing is that I do feel you were a friend, but that it just seemed to hard to stay only friends. Maybe one day it will be okay - at least I am hoping. I can tell you though that if it is ever the case we could associate in the future with you with your spouse and me with whatever, it would probably be uncomfortable. I just had the experience of seeing some old friends who are married to each other and I had fooled around with the guy in teenage years - not all the way, but pretty heavy. Anyway, I'm always a little uncomfortable just because I feel guilty since he was a fellow christian/lds and we knew better than what we did so it is just a little embarrassing and I don't even know if his wife knows. That is a good reason to behave - so that we never have embarrassments or regrets.
But, I just hope you don't judge me too harshly and can understand where I came from. I was not a trashy person just interested in that at all. I frankly don't know exactly why I felt so driven and compelled and I look back and wonder if you didn't try to get out of it for whatever reason...that makes me feel even more awful if you didn't even want to do it and here I was being the aggressor! That was totally not my way of life at all for at least20 years! You just brought out the animal - haha!
Well, gotta go. It is 1:07am and A is finishing getting a talk ready for a big church meeting in the morning - the general session of stake conference. We also are singing in the choir (there are some great songs that I wish you could hear). This child amazes me - I am truly blessed. I wish so bad that I could share her and her accomplishments and stuff with you. But, there I go again wishing for something that is probably still not appropriate - something that would take your time away from your family where your loyalty lies. It's just too bad that she could not experience having a father like you. But, at least she has her Heavenly Father and she knows that she is his daughter. I know that she still gets sad and has a longing for a father to care for her and hug and love her and be proud and take care of her here in this mortal life.
OK once again it is super late. I am rambling on in my random fashion. TTYL.
Me
P.S. This morning I was looking at horoscopes just wasting time and I went back and look at THE 23rd and THE 26th of that month last year and it was pretty freaky how they seemed to fit!
Thursday, April 19, 2012
A Change of Heart? Scary, but Good?
Okay. This is weird, but just this morning, I started to feel a little change in my thoughts and feelings toward you beginning to settle in. I have, of course, been having fleeting and conflicting thoughts at times about what I SHOULD be doing, feeling, saying, etc...but my heart and soul were just longing and missing you so badly, that those longings were usually overpowering and winning out it the battle of thoughts. Haha...do I sound like a complete wacko? I hope not...I am just a deep thinker...always thinking and always wondering and always wanting to do the right thing (at least 99% of the time :) ).
My epiphany :) (of sorts) in the shower this morning (I want to write it before I forget too much):
I don't know where I was thinking first, but believe me I think of you all flipping day - it irks me at times.
So, I think I started singing the hymn titled The Spirit of God in the shower, and then that got me thinking of the temple, which got me thinking of you, which then led to your love of your children/family, then led to thinking as to how you would probably so love the doctrine of the sealing/temple marriage/"forever families" because you are so committed to that duty as a father. In fact it just now the thought of you and your dedication just overwhelmed me and brought tears to my eyes. You don't know how impressed I am with that and how much I actually reverence and admire you for it. Back to the epiphany story: It then got me feeling a little regret and feeling that I want to tell you that I am so, so, sorry for even endangering your relationships with your own children - the most sacred next to that of your spouse. I promise I did not intend it ever - it was not planned and I still wonder what in the world happened and why. It really was not like me at all. I keep wanting to thank you so much for the inspiration that you have provided me. Every time I look at anything about myself and like it or feel good about it, I think of you because most of what I have become is because of that brief but marvelous encounter, however detrimental it was in other ways. How bittersweet! Anyway, I was also thinking that I would love for you to be able to go visit one of the temples and I know that they are about to open a Philadelphia one if it has not already happened. I felt so strongly that you should go there just to learn more and just to be inside and have the opportunity for God to speak to you through the holy spirit and whisper to your heart and soul if that is what he wants for you...and to show you how much he loves you and can strengthen you through his spirit which is obtained by seeking him and seeking to live his commandments. And the more you are desiring to have faith and to have him lead you, which I think you are, the more he will lead you and guide you and support you. He is always there waiting to bless us beyond measure I believe. He is just waiting for us to seek, to knock, to ask, and of course to humble ourselves and submit to his will. He knows our struggles, he knows our hearts, he knows our weaknesses and strengths. Anyway, I know that he will bless you and I pray that he will. I think that you are a very, very kind and generous and good hearted man who loves his family very much and would do anything to ensure their safety and security.
You are amazing and I hope you know it and I hope you continue to strive for the best and to love yourself and you will be super blessed and happy. I am praying for it for sure. I still hope to see you one day and find out how God has taken care of you and blessed you . I also hope to confirm that I did not cause a catastrophe and that I can be forgiven for the awful, selfish acts of weakness that may have brought you trouble and pain. I'm just hoping that maybe we can both see what good came to us out of this...maybe you are as stubborn as me - as I have always been - and God needed to jolt you to some kind of wake up, something to bring yourself to life and love. I can only hope and pray that you are happy in the light of Christ right now and in the future.
Another thought...I believe that we (as a human race) did live with God as spirits before we came to this earth...maybe you and I did know each other there and were friends...maybe that's why I felt such a connection to your spirit. Maybe we promised each other way back then that we would help each other in this life to make it back to our Father. Well, now I'm crying again...maybe the spirit is witnessing to me that that is true. Anyway, I have to quit worrying about you and just trust God and trust you that you are good and fine. I was probably the one that needed the most help because I was on a downward path that immediately reversed the minute I spoke to you. I'm not going to say that I will be able to maintain my path and that I will never make mistakes again. I still don't feel that I am completely back reconciled to God and his commandments and my covenants I have made with him, but I know that I have experienced what I needed to for whatever reason...once again, I am reminded of your simple, faithful statement "God has a plan".
Please take care of yourself!
Love always,
Me
My epiphany :) (of sorts) in the shower this morning (I want to write it before I forget too much):
I don't know where I was thinking first, but believe me I think of you all flipping day - it irks me at times.
So, I think I started singing the hymn titled The Spirit of God in the shower, and then that got me thinking of the temple, which got me thinking of you, which then led to your love of your children/family, then led to thinking as to how you would probably so love the doctrine of the sealing/temple marriage/"forever families" because you are so committed to that duty as a father. In fact it just now the thought of you and your dedication just overwhelmed me and brought tears to my eyes. You don't know how impressed I am with that and how much I actually reverence and admire you for it. Back to the epiphany story: It then got me feeling a little regret and feeling that I want to tell you that I am so, so, sorry for even endangering your relationships with your own children - the most sacred next to that of your spouse. I promise I did not intend it ever - it was not planned and I still wonder what in the world happened and why. It really was not like me at all. I keep wanting to thank you so much for the inspiration that you have provided me. Every time I look at anything about myself and like it or feel good about it, I think of you because most of what I have become is because of that brief but marvelous encounter, however detrimental it was in other ways. How bittersweet! Anyway, I was also thinking that I would love for you to be able to go visit one of the temples and I know that they are about to open a Philadelphia one if it has not already happened. I felt so strongly that you should go there just to learn more and just to be inside and have the opportunity for God to speak to you through the holy spirit and whisper to your heart and soul if that is what he wants for you...and to show you how much he loves you and can strengthen you through his spirit which is obtained by seeking him and seeking to live his commandments. And the more you are desiring to have faith and to have him lead you, which I think you are, the more he will lead you and guide you and support you. He is always there waiting to bless us beyond measure I believe. He is just waiting for us to seek, to knock, to ask, and of course to humble ourselves and submit to his will. He knows our struggles, he knows our hearts, he knows our weaknesses and strengths. Anyway, I know that he will bless you and I pray that he will. I think that you are a very, very kind and generous and good hearted man who loves his family very much and would do anything to ensure their safety and security.
You are amazing and I hope you know it and I hope you continue to strive for the best and to love yourself and you will be super blessed and happy. I am praying for it for sure. I still hope to see you one day and find out how God has taken care of you and blessed you . I also hope to confirm that I did not cause a catastrophe and that I can be forgiven for the awful, selfish acts of weakness that may have brought you trouble and pain. I'm just hoping that maybe we can both see what good came to us out of this...maybe you are as stubborn as me - as I have always been - and God needed to jolt you to some kind of wake up, something to bring yourself to life and love. I can only hope and pray that you are happy in the light of Christ right now and in the future.
Another thought...I believe that we (as a human race) did live with God as spirits before we came to this earth...maybe you and I did know each other there and were friends...maybe that's why I felt such a connection to your spirit. Maybe we promised each other way back then that we would help each other in this life to make it back to our Father. Well, now I'm crying again...maybe the spirit is witnessing to me that that is true. Anyway, I have to quit worrying about you and just trust God and trust you that you are good and fine. I was probably the one that needed the most help because I was on a downward path that immediately reversed the minute I spoke to you. I'm not going to say that I will be able to maintain my path and that I will never make mistakes again. I still don't feel that I am completely back reconciled to God and his commandments and my covenants I have made with him, but I know that I have experienced what I needed to for whatever reason...once again, I am reminded of your simple, faithful statement "God has a plan".
Please take care of yourself!
Love always,
Me
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Should've Known Better
Anyway, still in a good overall mood today, especially for being a little worried that someone might try to shoot me! Just overheard someone say that yesterday and don't know if they were serious or not. I should take it serious though.
This was the song for the moment and line that struck me and prompted me to go here :)
I thought time might help me win this game, but being away from you is slowly driving me insane...
And then this was the continuation after I rewound to listen to more of it to relate to and just drive me more insane! I'm a glutton for punishment :D.
Shoulda known better than to fall in love with you, now love is just a fading memory
Shoulda known better, now I'm just a prisoner to this pain and my heart still aches for you.
and another song line...The radio won't let you leave my mind...HOW TRUE!
and another...I took my hands off the wheel. I TOTALLY LET GO - which may not have been the best/right thing to do, but it sure felt good. Of course my nervous anxiety was still there...my adrenaline was skyrocketed especially that one day. Okay, now I'm getting super sad just thinking about it.
Whatever! I am just overflowing with the things I need to say to you, so here I am with it.
I love you,
Me
This was the song for the moment and line that struck me and prompted me to go here :)
I thought time might help me win this game, but being away from you is slowly driving me insane...
And then this was the continuation after I rewound to listen to more of it to relate to and just drive me more insane! I'm a glutton for punishment :D.
Shoulda known better than to fall in love with you, now love is just a fading memory
Shoulda known better, now I'm just a prisoner to this pain and my heart still aches for you.
and another song line...The radio won't let you leave my mind...HOW TRUE!
and another...I took my hands off the wheel. I TOTALLY LET GO - which may not have been the best/right thing to do, but it sure felt good. Of course my nervous anxiety was still there...my adrenaline was skyrocketed especially that one day. Okay, now I'm getting super sad just thinking about it.
Whatever! I am just overflowing with the things I need to say to you, so here I am with it.
I love you,
Me
Monday, April 16, 2012
Where Did I Go Right?
Well, once again, here I am...still frustrated, but very feisty and energetic today. :) So, I definitely have an overall upbeat mood today. I think I am feeling pretty liberated. I had a nice weekend. Got to go visit a good friend of mine, do a little target shooting, go to choir practice with an awesome choir director P. Busselburg. Anyway, and of course as usual thoughts of you consumed my mind in absolutely everything I did. I just don't really see the point of fighting it right now. I'm just going with it.
The title of the post is the name of a song that I listened to a few times this weekend thinking of you and I brought it in to work to save onto my PC. When it was playing I thought I would flip over, sign in, and go ahead and TRY to get the tiniest millionth of a part of what is on my mind out! Anyway, I have to say I love you because that it was is the most prominent thing on my mind. Now, you have to know I have constantly conflicting thoughts on myself, on you, on us...I go back and forth on the wrong, the right, the in between, the what was, what could have been, what could still be, and what could not be. Okay, I would probably only drive you away further if you read this because you would think I was crazy, but I don't care...i feel so free. In any case, I feel super blessed to have known you and experienced everything I did with you. It was the most amazing feelings ever...I felt so lucky to be loved by you. It was so different than anything I ever felt or experienced or even imagined. I can't even really explain why, but I wonder if you know why.
Where did I go right, how did I get you?
How come all this blue sky is around me and you found me?
I don't know how I did, but somehow now I do.
This is another quote/thought I had for you today...my own original. I might just tweet it, or I might keep it to myself. Here it is plain and simple: "You bring out the me in me."
One day I will tell you that to your face, I hope. I was remembering how you asked me one time if you were bringing out the worst in me. And I said no. I actually think you brought out a LOT of GOOD in me, even if I also crossed some lines I shouldn't have crossed. And that is how I was thinking about it today and came up with "You bring out the me in me". Whether it be good or bad, you brought out life and liberty and thought and so much more...I have to THANK YOU one day.
Gotta go to my appointment. Take care of yourself and your heart and I hope to see you before eternity, but if not then in eternity. I love you always for what you are and what you have done for me.
Me
The title of the post is the name of a song that I listened to a few times this weekend thinking of you and I brought it in to work to save onto my PC. When it was playing I thought I would flip over, sign in, and go ahead and TRY to get the tiniest millionth of a part of what is on my mind out! Anyway, I have to say I love you because that it was is the most prominent thing on my mind. Now, you have to know I have constantly conflicting thoughts on myself, on you, on us...I go back and forth on the wrong, the right, the in between, the what was, what could have been, what could still be, and what could not be. Okay, I would probably only drive you away further if you read this because you would think I was crazy, but I don't care...i feel so free. In any case, I feel super blessed to have known you and experienced everything I did with you. It was the most amazing feelings ever...I felt so lucky to be loved by you. It was so different than anything I ever felt or experienced or even imagined. I can't even really explain why, but I wonder if you know why.
Where did I go right, how did I get you?
How come all this blue sky is around me and you found me?
I don't know how I did, but somehow now I do.
This is another quote/thought I had for you today...my own original. I might just tweet it, or I might keep it to myself. Here it is plain and simple: "You bring out the me in me."
One day I will tell you that to your face, I hope. I was remembering how you asked me one time if you were bringing out the worst in me. And I said no. I actually think you brought out a LOT of GOOD in me, even if I also crossed some lines I shouldn't have crossed. And that is how I was thinking about it today and came up with "You bring out the me in me". Whether it be good or bad, you brought out life and liberty and thought and so much more...I have to THANK YOU one day.
Gotta go to my appointment. Take care of yourself and your heart and I hope to see you before eternity, but if not then in eternity. I love you always for what you are and what you have done for me.
Me
Monday, April 9, 2012
Rome is Burning
Life as I have known it for a long time is just about completely burned out. I am burning the bridges, I guess for good or bad. I actually don't believe in doing that, but it just seems that it is inevitable in the course I have set upon.
It is super hard feeling like I am blowing in the wind with nowhere to land. I am almost getting sick of my adoration of you! I'm kind of kidding about that, but it does bother me that I cannot get my lovesick heart to get over you and I don't know why. I am just clinging to you no matter how unrealistic it may be. Maybe you are just my hope and inspiration in an otherwise VERY dark and stressful time for me. I mean, there are other things and people like my loving family and my sweet daughter (even though she can even be an obnoxious little thing sometimes lately with her holier than thou-ness). And the man that I'm trying to be nice to and end things on good terms with just will not let that be the case. I know it is because he is pissed about me leaving. I even went back temporarily, but he had another meltdown and quit his job again after just taking on a huge new truck note and not even unburdening me of what was still in my name or catching it up. He's just hateful and can never see any side but his own. I really have a hard time with not feeling sorry for him...I guess that has been my problem all along. I can't let his threats get to me. I really do just want to scream for help and I wish I could just cry in your arms and have you hold me and I would feel so much safer and better! And then that thought just makes me want to cry more because I know that you probably want to do no such thing ever again...and ironically, that's exactly what He wants to do, but I can't give in to it because it is just false...maybe even more false than my hope in you. At least you are a good man trying to what's best and right. He is never trying to do what's right unless it is comfortable and convenient. And I know that never is too strong, but is just an expression of what it feels like after all of these years of bs over and over and over.
Oh, there is one thing that happened to me right between 23Sep11 and 26Sep11 that I never got to tell you about. I hope I get to tell you one day of the "vision" of sorts that I had when I was at church or leaving church that Sunday. It was a pretty vivid and bold statement to me at that time as to what the future was with 9. And it was not good. Very strange and I should remember it more often. I was so led to you and drawn to you at that same time...I really felt super strongly what I thought and still think was the spirit/Holy Ghost leading me. But I am just confused as to why and if I hadn't been weak if things would have been different or was what happened supposed to happen...and what is the ultimate end of what happened? I hope you don't think it is weird to have all of those questions...they just never have been answered, at least not completely. I see things that have happened that give me an aha moment as to maybe partially the reasons, but oh well...only God knows and I loved in MOST ways your softly spoken statement that "God has a plan". I still can "hear" it in my mind from you over and over. It is reassuring to me in a way your simple statement of faith even though I know that the last time you said it I felt a coldness in your voice that scared me to death and that's why I'm afraid to talk to you...I don't know if it was hatred or maybe "disgust" is a better word or if it was just pain and confusion on your own part. I wish I could know, but I hope that God will let me know in his own due time...maybe when he knows that I can handle another bad thing on top of what I have already endured. Maybe then I will brave it out since it doesn't seem that you will ever keep your word and contact me - not that I don't have faith in you that you would keep your word if you WANTED to. It's that I am afraid that you don't want to. You might think that I am a pathetic, old, fat, hag who you don't want to give any ideas to. I so want you to just know that I am not that AT ALL! Just the thought of you and the hope of you has changed so much in me, it is unbelievable. I could only imagine how being loved and wanted by you every day could change my entire life and my entire countenance inner and outward! I know that you could make me beautiful just by the way you would treat me (i already experienced a tiny slice of that and it was the most awesome thing ever I have to say...you don't know how it had changed my outlook on everything...it even amazed me. I realized that I really wasn't a jealous person...and so much more I hope to tell you one day.
I really don't know where I am going to end up but I know I can and should trust God. And I do trust him in my mind, but I think I just have a hard time actually handing the reins over...my analysis paralysis sets in and I guess I am so scared. I guess I need to let Jesus "take the wheel". I sure hope that he would steer me to you and I feel like he did once already. I am still confused as to why. Was it for you? Did something good come out of it for you? Was it for me? I think in some ways the answer is yes even though it seems like it is not good now, I know it set me on a path of growth and enlightenment that would very likely not have happened. God knows that I am a stubborn person and he sometimes needs really big things to get my attention.
I'm such a dork that I constantly hear songs that I want to put on a "you" song list. I wish I could tell you every time I hear a song that is making me think of you especially. Most of the love songs make me think of you...everything flipping thing in life makes me think of you - but, there are a few special ones or songs that hit me at the moment with a phrase that is exactly what I am thinking of saying to you at that time.
Here's just a few that have been recent...
Hopelessly Devoted to You...ONJ
Island in the Sun - Weezer (hip hip)
You'll Be in my Heart - Phil Collins
There was a Garth Brooks one
and so many more...But I just went back up and wrote such a book-full of crap - that I added to another paragraph as afterthought - that I should stop and go to bed now and wipe my little tears even though they have stopped flowing by now...I love you and at least hope that you are as happy as you made me momentarily. I think you deserve it way more than I do and I hope that the person you love really deserves it, and appreciates it, too. And of course I can't help but hope that the kids are just happy and innocently don't even know what happened and hopefully never have to know. I hope that I can see their smiling faces someday just to know that you did the right thing.
I love you eternally,
Me
It is super hard feeling like I am blowing in the wind with nowhere to land. I am almost getting sick of my adoration of you! I'm kind of kidding about that, but it does bother me that I cannot get my lovesick heart to get over you and I don't know why. I am just clinging to you no matter how unrealistic it may be. Maybe you are just my hope and inspiration in an otherwise VERY dark and stressful time for me. I mean, there are other things and people like my loving family and my sweet daughter (even though she can even be an obnoxious little thing sometimes lately with her holier than thou-ness). And the man that I'm trying to be nice to and end things on good terms with just will not let that be the case. I know it is because he is pissed about me leaving. I even went back temporarily, but he had another meltdown and quit his job again after just taking on a huge new truck note and not even unburdening me of what was still in my name or catching it up. He's just hateful and can never see any side but his own. I really have a hard time with not feeling sorry for him...I guess that has been my problem all along. I can't let his threats get to me. I really do just want to scream for help and I wish I could just cry in your arms and have you hold me and I would feel so much safer and better! And then that thought just makes me want to cry more because I know that you probably want to do no such thing ever again...and ironically, that's exactly what He wants to do, but I can't give in to it because it is just false...maybe even more false than my hope in you. At least you are a good man trying to what's best and right. He is never trying to do what's right unless it is comfortable and convenient. And I know that never is too strong, but is just an expression of what it feels like after all of these years of bs over and over and over.
Oh, there is one thing that happened to me right between 23Sep11 and 26Sep11 that I never got to tell you about. I hope I get to tell you one day of the "vision" of sorts that I had when I was at church or leaving church that Sunday. It was a pretty vivid and bold statement to me at that time as to what the future was with 9. And it was not good. Very strange and I should remember it more often. I was so led to you and drawn to you at that same time...I really felt super strongly what I thought and still think was the spirit/Holy Ghost leading me. But I am just confused as to why and if I hadn't been weak if things would have been different or was what happened supposed to happen...and what is the ultimate end of what happened? I hope you don't think it is weird to have all of those questions...they just never have been answered, at least not completely. I see things that have happened that give me an aha moment as to maybe partially the reasons, but oh well...only God knows and I loved in MOST ways your softly spoken statement that "God has a plan". I still can "hear" it in my mind from you over and over. It is reassuring to me in a way your simple statement of faith even though I know that the last time you said it I felt a coldness in your voice that scared me to death and that's why I'm afraid to talk to you...I don't know if it was hatred or maybe "disgust" is a better word or if it was just pain and confusion on your own part. I wish I could know, but I hope that God will let me know in his own due time...maybe when he knows that I can handle another bad thing on top of what I have already endured. Maybe then I will brave it out since it doesn't seem that you will ever keep your word and contact me - not that I don't have faith in you that you would keep your word if you WANTED to. It's that I am afraid that you don't want to. You might think that I am a pathetic, old, fat, hag who you don't want to give any ideas to. I so want you to just know that I am not that AT ALL! Just the thought of you and the hope of you has changed so much in me, it is unbelievable. I could only imagine how being loved and wanted by you every day could change my entire life and my entire countenance inner and outward! I know that you could make me beautiful just by the way you would treat me (i already experienced a tiny slice of that and it was the most awesome thing ever I have to say...you don't know how it had changed my outlook on everything...it even amazed me. I realized that I really wasn't a jealous person...and so much more I hope to tell you one day.
I really don't know where I am going to end up but I know I can and should trust God. And I do trust him in my mind, but I think I just have a hard time actually handing the reins over...my analysis paralysis sets in and I guess I am so scared. I guess I need to let Jesus "take the wheel". I sure hope that he would steer me to you and I feel like he did once already. I am still confused as to why. Was it for you? Did something good come out of it for you? Was it for me? I think in some ways the answer is yes even though it seems like it is not good now, I know it set me on a path of growth and enlightenment that would very likely not have happened. God knows that I am a stubborn person and he sometimes needs really big things to get my attention.
I'm such a dork that I constantly hear songs that I want to put on a "you" song list. I wish I could tell you every time I hear a song that is making me think of you especially. Most of the love songs make me think of you...everything flipping thing in life makes me think of you - but, there are a few special ones or songs that hit me at the moment with a phrase that is exactly what I am thinking of saying to you at that time.
Here's just a few that have been recent...
Hopelessly Devoted to You...ONJ
Island in the Sun - Weezer (hip hip)
You'll Be in my Heart - Phil Collins
There was a Garth Brooks one
and so many more...But I just went back up and wrote such a book-full of crap - that I added to another paragraph as afterthought - that I should stop and go to bed now and wipe my little tears even though they have stopped flowing by now...I love you and at least hope that you are as happy as you made me momentarily. I think you deserve it way more than I do and I hope that the person you love really deserves it, and appreciates it, too. And of course I can't help but hope that the kids are just happy and innocently don't even know what happened and hopefully never have to know. I hope that I can see their smiling faces someday just to know that you did the right thing.
I love you eternally,
Me
Friday, April 6, 2012
Not One of the Better Days, but...
I am just a little down in the dumps now. I had bad news on a job offer today...it was a lot lower $ than I was expecting. I do have an interview for another one, though, on Tuesday. And then I had to see your pic when pulling up a search on facebook that contained the same letters as your name. So, I made the mistake of clicking on it and seeing your new timeline page and just crying.
In some ways I am so upset with you for letting me just sit in this pain. When I think about it, it should tell me that you are cruel to put me through it, but I don't usually think that. I am just a little upset at you for breaking my heart, but probably more upset at myself for letting it get broken and being naive enough to ever hope or believe in it. I better just quit talking about it because I am just tearing up and starting to get stopped up sinuses again. I have cried enough today and had enough disappointment. Oh, how I WANT TO BE STRONG, but I just am not strong enough to block out my true feelings, or maybe I don't want to. I think only God knows how badly I want to talk to you.
I just don't know what I am going to do about this. I don't want you to hate me or think that I am pathetic. I know that I am not, I am just hopelessly in love, or whatever you want to call it. Sometimes I feel so strong and so positive and upbeat about the future, and then at other times I realize that no one knows or understands what I'm going through and that maybe I'm just full of it...I'll never have what I'm dreaming of. Of course, I know that if I would just seek to do God's wil, and seek the kingdom of God, all things will be added. But you probably know that at least for me that is easier said than done. I feel so undisciplined at times.
Anyway, gotta go...I hope you and K, D, and J are going to have a great Easter and I hope you have great hope and faith in Christ and that you are all happy and healthy. And I shamelessly wish that you would come save me on a white horse! Hahaha - I have to lighten my stupid butt up! I'm really not much of a "wallower" - I can't stand that!
I've said enough.
Til whenever,
Me
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
A little down
Well, I am a little down. Overall I have hope and know that God is watching over me and will take care of me (if I'm not too stubborn?), but I am just having a little anxiety and sadness. I wish so bad that I could talk to you. I am awaiting a job offer from Chicago, but also have just had a recruiter ask me if I am interested in a position in the D.C. area. I wish so bad that we could still be friends and that I could talk to you about these things that mean a lot to me. I also would like to know if there is a snowball's chance in hell for me to ever have a chance with my soul mate. I almost said that in the we/us/our tense, but realize that you might not feel that way anymore. I have such a longing in my heart and soul...why won't it go away? Anyway, I am being much healthier now, and I am super, super sorry that I whined a little and was so stressed we you talked to me. I hope you know in your heart that I could be so much more than what you saw. I do feel a little weird for being like this, but - WTF? I'm just going to be my dang self and everyone can just deal with it!
I feel that I should start praying really hard and really fast that you will talk to me or contact me somehow. I just don't know if I should try to push the issue or initiate it...I don't want you to hate me any more than you may already.
And, although I am jealous in some way of wwe for having you, I realized that you made me not as much of a jealous person, and that I thought I was more jealous of a person than I am. I realized that when I felt loved by you, I was just really happy and confident, and not jealous at all. I was happy for pretty, cute, young girls. I must admit a little envy of them, but in a way it is just motivating. I wanna tell you how great you were and are and how special you made me feel - how many things you brought me to realize about myself.
Okay...gotta go!
Love and hugs and kisses and rubs for any of your boo-boos! And may our God and the angels be watching over you and bless you!
Me
PS I feel a little better after writing this!
I feel that I should start praying really hard and really fast that you will talk to me or contact me somehow. I just don't know if I should try to push the issue or initiate it...I don't want you to hate me any more than you may already.
And, although I am jealous in some way of wwe for having you, I realized that you made me not as much of a jealous person, and that I thought I was more jealous of a person than I am. I realized that when I felt loved by you, I was just really happy and confident, and not jealous at all. I was happy for pretty, cute, young girls. I must admit a little envy of them, but in a way it is just motivating. I wanna tell you how great you were and are and how special you made me feel - how many things you brought me to realize about myself.
Okay...gotta go!
Love and hugs and kisses and rubs for any of your boo-boos! And may our God and the angels be watching over you and bless you!
Me
PS I feel a little better after writing this!
Monday, April 2, 2012
Quite a weekend...
I don't know exactly how to describe my thoughts and feelings today. I get a little upset at the thought that you may have completely forgotten about me...at least for the most part. Or even worse, that you are really happy that nothing came of us. It seems that I had a lot more crying about you this weekend than usual. I can usually stay pretty positive and at least see what good things have come from my experience with you, and how I have changed hopefully for the better. I had a vivid dream on Saturday night where I was talking to you in "your office" there was someone else there at first, but he left. You even had tears in your eyes. And then it got a little x-rated, but that is not the point. Anyway, I don't know what this all means. I don't know if it is just torment for my sins or what? Also, I keep seeing Leonardo DiCaprio on the movie posters and movie previews for the re-release of Titanic. He so reminds me of you, that I just get a really strong emotional feeling. When I went to see the hunger games on Saturday, I just cried in the preview for Titanic. What is wrong with me? Sometimes i wish I really could know of your thoughts. But I also once read a statement that said "..what other people think of us is none of our business".
So maybe you don't want me to know for whatever reason. I just wish you at least knew what I think and feel even though IF you loved me I guess it might just complicate your life or make things harder for you. I just feel that I can't go on forever like this. I want to talk to you so bad. I do "talk" to you over and over in my head. It probably changes a little from day to day. It's so hard and frustrating. I wish I knew if you hated my guts. It might help. Sometimes I start to think of you that way - like you think you are better, or too good for this and are ashamed of me, but then I realize it is probably just my own jealously or selfishness or guilt or something. I don't want you to be suffering like I am because if you are or were, I would think it crazy that we just would not do something about it. I am praying to God that he will help us and help me see the why and how to go forward. This really suck wanting one thing, yet wanting to make you happy which seems to conflict! I'm afraid one of these days I will break, and I even wonder if I really should be holding all of this in. I guess writing all of this kind of helps...
After all of my somewhat sad and ill feelings about it, I still have such happiness, but longing in the memories of you, and I still feel so deeply in my heart for you (I was just thinking in the shower this morning that I would tell you how I have never felt so deeply in so many ways about anyone).
OK. Gotta go. Hope you are super happy and I hope you have found a job that brings you happiness. I also hope you still remember me and have good memories, not just that one bad night where I ruined everything for you.
I love you more than you will ever know.
Hopelessly devoted,
Me
P.S. Sorry if you think I am corny or obsessed. I don't think it is that...just consumed is more like it, and for either good or bad, I have a feeling that it is from God one way or the other, He thinks I need this reminder.
So maybe you don't want me to know for whatever reason. I just wish you at least knew what I think and feel even though IF you loved me I guess it might just complicate your life or make things harder for you. I just feel that I can't go on forever like this. I want to talk to you so bad. I do "talk" to you over and over in my head. It probably changes a little from day to day. It's so hard and frustrating. I wish I knew if you hated my guts. It might help. Sometimes I start to think of you that way - like you think you are better, or too good for this and are ashamed of me, but then I realize it is probably just my own jealously or selfishness or guilt or something. I don't want you to be suffering like I am because if you are or were, I would think it crazy that we just would not do something about it. I am praying to God that he will help us and help me see the why and how to go forward. This really suck wanting one thing, yet wanting to make you happy which seems to conflict! I'm afraid one of these days I will break, and I even wonder if I really should be holding all of this in. I guess writing all of this kind of helps...
After all of my somewhat sad and ill feelings about it, I still have such happiness, but longing in the memories of you, and I still feel so deeply in my heart for you (I was just thinking in the shower this morning that I would tell you how I have never felt so deeply in so many ways about anyone).
OK. Gotta go. Hope you are super happy and I hope you have found a job that brings you happiness. I also hope you still remember me and have good memories, not just that one bad night where I ruined everything for you.
I love you more than you will ever know.
Hopelessly devoted,
Me
P.S. Sorry if you think I am corny or obsessed. I don't think it is that...just consumed is more like it, and for either good or bad, I have a feeling that it is from God one way or the other, He thinks I need this reminder.
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