Well, I made it back to work today. I will see the doctor tomorrow to find out the next step in the plan of action. I am so sick of missing you and wanting to tell you things and send you things! I am sick of thinking of you every minute! I don't know whether to be mad at you for this or not. I know it is not directly your fault. I really just get mad that I don't know what you are thinking - if you are glad to be rid of me or whether you think of me at all.
I long for you so badly that it just rushed through me again when I began to type the thought. The tears of frustration and sadness and emptiness come flooding in and I feel it through my entire chest and heart. I wonder why why why? I also want so badly to tell you today how much I love you. What if you don't know? And then I wonder if it is better that you don't know. This male/female BS is terrible, isn't it? I was thinking last night that maybe this is one of the reasons that we are not supposed to get involved like we did - because of the pain and sadness that it almost inevitably brings. I thought about that because I know that God loves us and that the feelings that we had (at least that I had - I don't know exactly what yours were but yours felt true to me) are not inherently wrong in and of themselves - they were actually quite beautiful and pure at the roots. But therein lies the problems - that of expressing them in the wrong situations or at the wrong times/places. God with his commandments is actually trying to protect us and guide us home to him while keeping us from as much devastation as possible in the process. He wants to bless us, too! I wish I knew what to do about this. I guess I should pray more.
Well, I only hope that you are okay and happy. Something has just been really bothering me today and yesterday about you - I have just been feeling like you are not happy and are struggling and I wish I could be there for you in any kind of way that you need me - if you need me at all. BUT I AM TRYING TO HONOR your begging request of me to stop contacting you. It is so hard to love you and at the same time try and honor that request. At the same time, I feel completely horrible if I have had any part in creating a bad situation for someone that I love dearly and only want to be happy - even if it does not include me. I really want you to be successful and realize what a great human being you are. You have no idea how much you have inspired me to be better - not that I was a bad person. I was just down and being drug down further - I felt like I was slowly losing my soul and myself until you came into my life. You made me so happy just by being yourself - and you may never know.
I realize that you could be a little different than what you portrayed to me - and maybe God was saving me from further hurt if you really would have only turned on me since he knew how much I had fallen for you. I was so ready to give EVERYTHING for you and to you - but it was mainly because I felt that you were offering me the same. So, I actually don't feel as foolish unless I really was duped and you didn't feel that way about me.
The crazy thing is that even if you were just "using" me for something...whatever it may have been...I almost wish you would need me for SOMETHING again. I would love to offer you friendship, advice, and of course other things that I had never even dreamed of before you - even that would be awesome if I knew that's all it was.
I just need you in my life somehow, someday. I hope that you do not think that this is stupid or weird. And I know that life will go on without you. However, as I think I put in another post already and partially quoting from one of my favorite movies, "...the place I live in is that much more drab and empty that you are gone."
May God bring us back together again soon!
With all my love - heart, body, and soul ,
Eternally yours,
Me - your soulmate (no names for your deniability)
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