Text of a planned "Call" to you

Okay. I just want to paste this here because I wrote it earlier trying to put my thoughts into more concise statements of what I want to say and sit and think about leaving on your voicemail or telling you. I may not get the guts to call, though, and I just want to have it recorded if not for you, then for me.

Here it is:

Hey, first of all I have to say that I am SUPER sorry for what I did that may have caused you any negative consequences or feelings at all. I know that you might possibly be over it now with no problems, but it still bothers me to wonder if you have suffered at all due to me. I don’t want you to harbor bad feelings or thoughts about me because if you do you are just so wrong (haha), but the thing that bothers me the most is just the possibility that the experience could have made your life worse, and that of your family – I care more about that more than my own self. I feel like I made such selfish choices and I can hardly live with myself in that respect. I just want you to know that I am truly sorry for any negative effect on you and the kids especially.

Now, that does not mean that I am sorry it happened. The jury is still out in my mind (and may always be) as to what happened and why, but it was still arguably one of the best experiences that ever happened to me in a lot of ways. I won’t go into all of those ways, but just know that my feelings and actions were pure. I did not intend anything bad, even though I knew it may not “technically” be right as in the right and wrong sense – it felt right and I just went with it with no ill intent. I was so inexperienced with what I was dealing with that it all overwhelmed me. I did not put the brakes on myself when I should have. Self control was out the window. Also, you know I was at a really crazy time in life anyway.

I wish I could ask you some advice about so many things because I sensed that you have a lot of wisdom and common sense (where I may be lacking that common sense sometimes).  You probably also do not need to know all of the thoughts I have right now, but just know that I will not EVER forget you or stop praying for you. You have no idea how big of an impact you have made on me and my whole life. So, I also want to THANK YOU for the inspiration and motivation that you have provided me with without even knowing. BIG HUGS!

It’s so hard to say and there is never an end to all the things I want to and could say, but this may already have been unwelcome and out of line. Sorry, I’ve just been feeling a need to get it off my chest.