Happy Valentine's Day - Alone

I have not updated in many days. But that doesn't mean that constant thoughts of you are not going through my mind. I'm not quite sure what to think or do about this situation, so I'm just going with the flow for now. I'm not going to beat myself up over it. Oh, and I had two dove dark chocolate hearts (one yesterday and one today) and the messages said 1) Express what's in your heart; and 2) Trust with your heart, not with your head. Anyway, they just make sense as to what I have been doing lately, so I saved them to re-read for now. To me, I am totally following and trusting my heart in this situation, which I know may just lead to more heartbreak, but oh well - maybe I deserve it then. And then I also feel that with this blog and a couple of journals I have that I am Expressing what is in my heart. So...for now I will just keep spewing the mush!

I wish so bad that I knew what you thought of me. It would help me so much to know. I wish you would just write me a letter or something. It's the hardest thing in the world to keep away from you and to keep from calling you or sending you a message. Ugh! Now I remember that I sent that e-mail not too long ago - you either have me blocked and didn't get it, or are disgusted with me and just wish I had not sent it and would go away. It's so painful when I really think about it in a reality kind of way. But, it's really joyful when I think of it in the fantasy-fairytale-wishful-hopeful thinking kind of way. Maybe it's okay to just imagine and dream. It can't do any harm. If only you knew my thoughts and feelings...and if only I knew yours. It's driving my crazy at times. At least I can dream and fantasize that you actually are missing me, too, but you and I probably both know that that doesn't really cut it for me...I like the real thing, reality.

Saturday, I listened to some songs over and over that reminded me of you and sang them really loud while I was on the road by myself traveling. There were three Richard Marx songs.

1. Hold on to the Nights - of which one of the quotes out of the lyrics is (actually two of the verses):
1. How do we explain something that took us by surprise
   Promises in vain, love that is real but in disguise
   What happens now
   Do we break another rule
   Let our lovers play the fool
   I don't know how
   To stop feeling this way
   
   [Chorus]
   
   Well, I think that I've been true to everybody else but me
   And the way I feel about you makes my heart long to be free
   Every time I look into your eyes, I'm helplessly aware
   That the someone I've been searching for is right there 
2. Endless Summer Nights  - here's probably my favorite line that reminds me of you in that one:
1. Now I'm back to what I knew before you
   Somehow the city doesn't look the same
   I'd give my life for one more night
   Of having you here to hold me tight; oh, please
   Take me there again
   Oh, oh
3. I can't remember right now, but I'll update with it later...

Anyway, when looking up these lyrics today, I found a couple more songs which are 4) Right Here Waiting for You; 5) Until I Find You Again; 6) Should've Known Better and last but not least the one with the lyrics I most wish you would be saying to me right now is Now and Forever. here are those lyrics:

• Whenever I'm weary from the battles that rage in my head
  You make sense of madness when my sanity hangs by a thread
  I lose my way but still you seem to understand
  Now and forever I will be your man.
  
  Sometimes I just hold you
  Too caught up in me to see
  I'm holding a fortune that heaven has given to me
  I'll try to show you each and every way I can
  Now and forever I will be your man
  
  Now I can rest my worries and always be sure
  That I won't be alone anymoreIf I'd only known you were there all the time
  All this time
  
  Until the day the ocean doesn't touch the sand
  Now and forever I will be your manNow and forever I will be your man

 I don't know if we will ever have the chance again, but all I know is that dreaming of you is inspiring me and freeing me. I don't know if that is the exact word I was thinking of...oh, actually I think liberating me is a little better. I am just rambling out my thoughts because I actually need to be leaving to go out with my valentine daughter for dinner. Her orchestra director is playing at a little Italian restaurant that hopefully we can afford!

I hope you know over the miles and rivers and roads and mountains and trees and bridges and flowers that my heart and soul and mind are with you. I miss you and I love you and hope that all is working out for the best in your life. I also hope that it is working to lead you to me eventually. I will be praying.

I know that there was more I needed to tell you, but it will have to wait. One of the things was probably about the O yesterday for you. :) Gotta love your style!

Love always,
Me