Okay, so the backing off is not going so well. I mean that I am still consumed with thoughts of you and yes, some of them are not really appropriate to the current situation. I am still completely in love with you.
I woke up this morning creating a poem in my mind about/for you that I wanted to title "I Crave". I wanted to write it down right away but the time and place was not right and I did not have any of my journals with me or any safe computer.
Also, here is another crazy lovescope for today:
Sagittarius: Sometimes you can be your own worst enemy. If you have a few barriers erected around your heart, try to let them down today. The energy of love and desire that is surrounding you now allows for all sorts of pleasantries to come into your life. These perks can provide the foundations of lots more like it to come, if you allow it to happen. The direction you take today can be the start of great friendships that bring you both wealth and love. If you have a date tonight, it may begin dull or uncomfortable but end rather nicely. By opening yourself up, you will find there really is a natural harmony that exists linking you two. You can talk to each other about anything, and feel totally at ease about it all. This begins a bond between you two.
I could only wish this was between us...haha! I do really know that if we really had the chance, we might not work, but my gosh it felt so right and so powerful...like it would for sure be for eternity. What a cruel trick if not, huh? I guess if that is the case, then it wasn't God because he doesn't do that. Only his enemy who is the father of all lies. Anyway, off of that subject!
Well, copying and pasting crap in doesn't work too well. I guess i should go through word first or something...I keep having to change the font colors and stuff and then it screws up the rest of the post.
Anyway, I am somewhat afraid that I am going to lose out based on my "fear" of contacting you. I'm so tired of being scared. It's not just that...it is that I don't want to harm you or your situation in any way. I don't want to be the cause of it. I just want you to understand the truth and the reality of my situation. Maybe it's not the proper time. I just want so bad to believe that you will remember me and will call me. I have so much hope and faith in you (not like a God - in that way, but you know what I mean). I just hope that I am not really that stupid and gullible. But even if I am WTF? I am just living and loving and going with what seems and feels to be right. And I don't care if you think I am an idiot. I would just like to know so that I can take my idiot tail and stuff it between my legs and move on to my next foolish thing to do and be in life. Whatever! I mean my heart is in it and I mean well. I don't really want to be made a fool of, but I can see that my own stubbornness could be what is making a fool of me. Really, that's probably why I was a fool in my marriage for 17+ years. I was just stubborn in the face of complete opposition and obviously bad choices. But, you did have a point that I did it for my daughter and you may be right...even if I wasn't 100% sure on my own if that's why I was doing it maybe God was watching over her and it is what was best. I still don't know and I still doubt that it many ways, but I can't go back and change things.
The bad thing is that I feel bad for him at times and hate breaking his heart, but I can't let that SH*T get to me - excuse my french because I don't usually (at least didn't used to) use that language. I have just begun to throw all caution to the wind which may be a bad thing, but I am having to get rid of some stress.
Well, I feel that I am just rambling and not getting much said. I feel like I really, really want to talk to you but maybe I should wait on God unlike the last time when I pushed things and really screwed it up. Please, please, please remember me and remember that I am still waiting with unanswered questions and with a heart completely yours. Mind, body, and soul wanting to serve God with you together forever.
Sorry if I sound corny. It is just what I feel. I wish you could just know and tell me if I need to hang it up forever or what. Maybe you will never even read this. Maybe no one ever will. But I think it is helping me to get this out. I love you honestly with my whole being and it's so hard not to just shout it out to the whole world. I would do it if it weren't for your wishes and your safety and happiness at stake.
Bye my friend and causer of great conflict in my heart!
Me
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