Just have to post this - Temple!

Today has turned out pretty good, even though I got a speeding ticket this morning getting off the freeway downtown. ugh!

I have been praying more the past few days. I'm trying to let God know that I know I need him and I need the cleansing blood of Christ in my life and I need to remember it every day to keep from being led astray. Anyway, it seems to have buoyed my mood, or maybe I'm just bi-polar lol!

Once again, I keep feeling so many things and thinking so many different thoughts about you (all day every day as if that needs to be stated- ha!). So, I was reading a headline that came today about the LDS temple renditions being released for the Indianapolis and the Hartford, CT temples. So, I went to see if there were any renderings for the Philly one. I didn't find any so maybe they have not been released. But, I would think that there has to be some drawing somewhere since they broke ground on it last Sept.

That is what I wanted to post here. This newsroom story...

Church Breaks Ground for Philadelphia Pennsylvania, Trujillo Peru Temples

A new building will soon be added to the Philadelphia skyline. Leaders from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, with the help of local community leaders, broke ground for the Philadelphia Pennsylvania Temple on Saturday, 17 September 2011.

Salt Lake City —  17 September 2011

What struck me is that this was so close to that 9/23/11 date, that I just still can't wonder if this is part of the reason for what happened. Because that first day or second day - whenever it was that you talked to me about the night and the WTF. I remember feeling so strongly that WTF - I should share the gospel with you. It was a strange and scary thing...I was still not quite understanding what was going on and I really did not have a particular reason I had called you. Like I said, I had thought of you many, many times over the years and on at least one occasion tried to find you. I remember way back when calling the phone information (411) in Birmingham, AL because that's all I knew about you was that you were going to Birmingham. So, obviously Birmingham always brought you to mind. But, you must not have had a phone in your name, so I never found you. That was probably before I was married because I'm not sure if any other times I would have actually gone that far, even though there were other times I thought about you and wondered about you and what could have been.

Anyway, back to the point. I just felt it and I know I let it out to you in some kind of rambling, super highly emotional way back last September. I know I didn't do that great of a job with it. Anyway, I also felt a super strong spiritual connection with you all along while we were talking. It was electrifying. Then, after this horrible and tragic ending to my bliss :) - I have had other times where it just clearly came to mind that you should be prepared to go to that temple whenever it opens or is dedicated. And of course I have to throw in here just my random thought that popped up now - that maybe you and I could be sealed there together for time and eternity. That would be the most crowning moment of my life if it ever happens. I want so much to be your queen for this life and eternity. Enough said and I'm not going to go down the weepy, bash myself road, either. Cuz if you don't like me, tough - you are missing out on a lot! But also, maybe that's not what God intends. Maybe like I said at the very beginning - it's not about me, but about a blessing to your family that maybe I could share. And maybe in return you were a blessing in disguise for me because you may be the only reason that I am able to remain strong lately amidst my world crashing down on me. You are my light at the end of the tunnel for now.

I've got to stop now because I really don't want to cry, but I just start getting too emotional knowing that God is blessing me no matter how it seems at the moment. I know he is watching over me and you and our children. He is leading us and guiding us and hopefully that is apparent to us and we will stay in tune with the spirit enough to let him lead us.

So, I am praying that He will prepare your heart and mind and either bring you to the gospel now before I ever see you, or that you will have an open heart and mind ready for me to share with you all that I wanted to but failed to do due to my own weakness. I'm sorry again for my inability to control the powerful feelings that I had. I should have known better, but I am human, and that's what we have his love, grace, and sacrifice for - to wash us clean and to help us bear our burdens. Hang in there!

I love you in Christ, and you know I love you deep, deep, in my heart and with my all my existence (word stolen from you - ha!).
Until next time...
Me

Soulmate Still

Okay. I have been putting my self in a bind here going through youtube songs putting them into my you folder/list! I am a glutton for punishment! I know! I am going to have to kick your butt one day!

But anyway, I just wanted to post this one for you. Soulmate by Josh Turner.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1-86UQrYfqw&feature=related

I love you always and forever til the end of time.
Me

Someone Like You

Just want to post these lyrics because I sing this one a lot and think of you. I know - I should move on, is what you would probably tell me. Oh well.
Someone Like You lyricsSongwriters: Adele Laurie Blue Adkins;Daniel Dodd Wilson


I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now
I heard that your dreams came true
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light

I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me, it isn't over

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you, too
Don't forget me, I begged, I remember you said
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised in a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited
(From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/a/adele-lyrics/someone-like-you-lyrics.html)
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me, it isn't over yet

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you, too
Don't forget me, I begged, I remember you said
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead, yeah

Nothing compares, no worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
Don't forget me, I begged, I remember you said
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you, too
Don't forget me, I begged, I remember you said
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead
Goodnight my love...til I see you for eternity...hopefully soon.
Me

"The Poem" roughdraft

Okay, I thought this poem up on about 4/30/12 or 5/1/12. It is titled "I Crave". I wrote it down a few days later in rough draft. If I was to actually give it to you, I might would modify it. But, for the record, here's how it got written down:

I CRAVE (by yours truly - serendipity soul mate)

I crave your touch,
I crave your voice,
I crave your eyes and your gaze.
I crave your body,
I crave your warmth,
I crave your embrace and it's safety.
I crave your passion,
I crave your heart,
I crave your openness and your vulnerability.
I crave your mind,
I crave your conversation,
I crave your strength and directness.
I crave your arms,
I crave your smile,
I crave your fun and loving spirit.
I crave you sight of you standing over me,
I crave laying next to you.
I crave riding "the roller coaster" with you both in person and in spirit.
I crave the miracle of your love.
I hope I don't have to live eternity without you.

Okay. I will probably post some lyrics in the next post.

And Oh, I read today a transcript of one of the last of our conversations - probably the Thursday or Friday before the best and worst day of my life. Anyway, reading that made me think again that maybe you do still care and think about me. Your love for me then seemed to be so real and sincere. Could it have just died in an instant? I hope not.. I hope that you just pushed it aside to "do the right thing" for your kids. I can totally understand that. I just want you to know that I really, really, really felt sincere, deep love for you and it was a deep and abiding love. There was something much stronger than the "animal magnetism", at least I believe so from my side. Maybe one of these days I will understand. I know I need to move on and focus on getting myself right and on preparing myself to be the best woman possible for you. You only deserve me at my very best and I have not been on my best behavior. Partly because I am driven by this need, this hunger, this determination, curiously, this raw yearning to know what it is/was all about, and also the burning desire to have what I only hope God will bless us with one day in his own time and in his own wisdom if it will bless us and if we are worthy of it.

I hope you don't think I sound crazy or obsessed. Unless this actually is what obsession is...I'm not completely denying that accusation. But it doesn't feel that way to me. I also know that if something wonderful came along in my life, I wouldn't pass it up, especially if I was living right because that must be what God has in store for me. But, let me tell you, it would be hard for me to even let that something good get a foot in the door with you on my mind, heart, body, and soul. If I am wrong in feeling and thinking and saying this, then I guess I will be condemned. I don't want that. I want to be your everything, I want to walk beside you and make you the happiest man on the planet and the happiest Dad in eternity because I believe that if we could have what I know God provides through the temple ordinances then we could have children beyond this life and that is one thing that I would love to give you more than anything because you are such a great Dad. I know your children bring you joy. I want to share that with you so much.

Well, my crazy self is getting carried away. I want to read more in the series. I am still on book 8 right now.

I've got to stop even though with you there is no convenient stopping point. I just hope God leads me to know when is the right time to contact you. Or, even better, I hope that he will lead you to contact me since I am scared to contact you for fear it might ruin everything AGAIN!

Good night heavenly gift from God, gorgeous, brilliant, gentle angel of light, peace, pleasure, and perfection (ha I know not yet, but we can maybe reach it together)!

Love,
Me

Scared and Lost

I think I am at my worst right now, or maybe yesterday was the worst. I can't even begin to tell you how crazy I have been lately. I don't know exactly why, maybe because I quit taking the antidepressant/anxiety which I really didn't want to take in the first place. I think one of the main reasons, though, is that I cannot get over you. You haunt me (for lack of a better word, and I did smile and laugh after I typed it). I wonder if the word doppelganger would work for you. That is what I was just called recently. Anyway, I had a very bizarre encounter on twitter and I was also called an ephemeral phantasm from beyond twitter. Anyway, it left me very shaken and I learned a few things. I know that I have been on twitter a lot lately and have gotten more and more interested in some of the people on there, especially the ones from PA. I even follow this one guy on there who is from J-town. Weird. I am afraid to really talk much to people on there for fear that I might reveal too much about my self. I am sooo messed up today. I was super depressed yesterday after the late night twitter thing. I also am a little depressed about knowing that I am probably pushing my estranged spouse over the edge, too. So, I will feel a little responsible for that although I know that I shouldn't. It just makes me want to cry so much to know how much I am destroying the life that I have known for 18 years. And no one would answer their phone yesterday to talk to me.

I also am starting to realize or suspect that I may have made way too much out of the experience I had with you. I really thought you loved me and wanted me and it made me feel like the luckiest, happiest, most content person in the world. I felt like a princess with you. But I realize that there is a lot of game playing going on online and you might have been very practiced with that. I'm not saying that you treated me like one of those. It's just that if you had those kinds of relationships already, then you may have even misconstrued what I was feeling. You may have thought that I had even had that before, which I had not.

Anyway, I really almost sent you a message today. It's just that I am scared to death to mess anything up for you (probably mostly selfish - in that I know you would hate me if you don't already, but I also just would not want you unhappy with your kids situation). I HATE this situation that I have put myself in. And I swing from one end to the other on wanting to either just dive further into the downward spiral I have created and get lost in the craziness and keep trying to fill the void left by you or to cut myself completely off from all of this stuff and try and focus on myself and my future with my family, job, move, further education, preparedness for the future, and on actually finding/meeting a decent person who could actually have something to offer me - not someone that already has a family. Part of my problem there is that I feel so weak and unworthy and unsure of my own devotion and ability to do right. I am so afraid that I am going to be too easily taken in by the wrong person just because of my vulnerability. I wanted to send you a message requesting help. I thought of sending HELP any way? in code. I just don't know what is safe - I don't feel like anything is safe to say to you so I should just get over your mean ass and move on. I have stupid thoughts. I feel that you are very uncaring and unthoughtful to have let me go this long anyway without contacting me at all. But then my stupid ass makes rationalizations that you may think that I don't want to see you or talk to you ever again, either for your own excuse, or you really feel that. I'm just so furious and frustrated that I NEED TO KNOW. I really need to know 1) did you decide you were done with me already before the wwe trick/worst night of your life? 2) was is just because of my physical appearance or actions? 3) did you think I did anything intentionally 4) what would you recommend I do different in the future to keep from falling into that again? 5) kind of joking - if there are girls who do that for a "living" online - how do I get in on it? HAHA

One of these days I'm beginning to think that you do owe me the answers to my questions. You don't owe me love, or loyalty, or devotion since that is something you committed to someone else, although to me you had already made some pretty strong statements to me that led me on. Like "I'm all yours" among other things.

I signed by job offer for Chicago. I should be up there within a couple or few months. It is going to be crazy and I think I will probably cry a lot. I want some companionship, and I know I am even thinking of very bad things. Maybe I should get back on the medication. I did feel better. I just don't want to be stuck on it. I am going to try doing yoga a lot to help. I want to be a yoga instructor or something when I retire. Maybe j-town needs some yoga instructors? HA!

Well, I wonder what in the heck you would think about this that I am writing. I wonder if it is completely foolish. Anyway, I miss your stupid a**.

Believe me, I think I have slowly destroyed 9 without intention, but he will survive and is starting to figure it out.

Well gotta go since it is 2:06am! I wish so bad I could be talking to you now, or even better snuggled up next to you, or even better spooning either after or before a bad-as* session of you know what. I wish I could show you my new bras.

I sure hope I don't die before I ever get to see you again.

I love you! Plain and simple.
Me

Through the Silences

I just have to say this at least seems like the hardest thing I've ever done (being away from you and completely out of contact). I have such a longing and pain. I think of you so often and it often brings a pain and a tear (which I think is not good for my wrinkles!) just because of that feeling of longing, I guess that's how to describe it.

I just read this small quote and of course it ripped through my heart thinking that that describes me and I hope that my love is always "heard" by you.

"Even through the silences love is always heard"

Well, that's all. Things are not going too great for me right now, but I will survive and I believe that I will thrive, too. It's just that the world is scary. Sorry if you still have any problems or regrets related to me. I wish you all the happiness in the world and also in eternity where I think I would love to be with you and there we could have together what we could not have here. I won't really say what until I get to see you.

It's probably a pipe dream - me and my crazy fairy tail - but, it is nice to imagine anyway!

I LOVE YOU!
Me

Thursday Bite

Just had to say "Hi" and I am thinking of you often. In fact I am going to pray for you right now. I have a little "rock" of sorts that has a cross that says Faith inside a little clear class "bubble". I carry it in my pocket when I can and it reminds me to pray and so of course it reminds me of you.

Okay. I finished praying now. It is super hard praying for you not knowing your situation at the time. I guess it is blind faith. I hope you are well and happy. You are an amazing person and you probably don't find it too hard to be happy and not let things drag you down. You seem pretty resilient. I am that way overall like with my general disposition and optimistic nature, but I do get down and I do get extremely tied up in things of the heart even thought I probably try to hide it and do a pretty good job most of the time. I just keep on living!

Well, gotta go. I have a super busy weekend with weddings and dance recitals in the family.

I love you soul mate!
Me

Weird...

So, it is weird. I am at a loss of what to say. I guess maybe there is so much going on and so many things happening to me, and I wonder so often what the heck you think of me...I think as time goes by I get more and more convinced that you just didn't like what you saw and that made it easy for you. I feel so strongly in my heart, though, and I believed so strongly in what I felt - the feeling that I was almost positive that we shared - that it puzzles me. Man! I need to know one day soon. God help me. OK well, I think I am going to like Chicago. I wonder if they are making me wait on purpose or what? It's exciting and scary at the same time. And sometimes I feel bad for wanting to find a man who will love me and treat me right. I know that I have one who loves me, but he just did me wrong too many times, and I think was just wrong for me from the beginning. It's terrible that I feel that way, but I think that there is just no going back.
Oh how I wish we could talk and at least be friends even though I know it might be impossible and to weird. I just miss you - so much about you. I know I sound dumb saying that, but it is what it is.

Bye!
Me

Poems and More Poems

BTW, I do have the I Crave poem written down at home and keep forgetting to bring it so that I can copy/type it in here.

Also, here is one that I intended to send you way back when before the proverbial axe fell! The copy I was going to send you sits here on my desk still. It is called Sorting Laundry.

Sorting Laundry

Folding clothes,

I think of folding you

into my life.

Our king-sized sheets

Like tablecloths

For the banquets of giants,

Pillowcases, despite so many

Washings, seams still

Holding our dreams.

Towels patterned orange and green,

Flowered pink and lavender,

Gaudy, bought on sale,

Reserved, we said, for the beach,

Refusing, even after years,

To bleach into respectability.

So many shirts and skirts and pants

Recycling week after week, head over heels

Recapitulating themselves.

All those wrinkles

To be smoothed, or else

Ignored; they’re in style.

Myriad uncoupled socks

Which went paired into the foam

like those creatures in the ark.

And what’s shrunk

Is tough to discard

Even for Goodwill.

In pockets, surprises:

Forgotten matches,

Lost screws clinking on enamel;

Paper clips, whatever they held

Between shiny jaws, now

Dissolved or clogging the drain;

Well-washed dollars, legal tender

For all debts public and private,

Intact despite agitation;

And, gleaming in the maelstrom,

One bright dime,

Broken necklace of good gold

You brought from Kuwait,

The strangely tailored shirt

Left by a former lover….

If you were to leave me,

If I were to fold

Only my own clothes,

The convexes and concaves

Of my blouses, panties, stockings, bras

Turned upon themselves,

A mountain of unsorted wash

Could not fill

The empty side of the bed.

Elisavietta Rtchie (b. 1932)

 

I had signed it with a IWGOWY.
I'm not too sure about that, and even at the time I thought that it might actually make you think more of you know who than me, but whatever the case it always makes me think of you.

OK. Enough now. Gotta go.
Love again and hugs and kisses and rubs and bites (sorry!),
Me (shameless me)

A Little Busy, but Still...

I have been just a little busy, so it has only slightly taken my mind off of you. I have been in training class this week. But, I look at your pictures every day. I am sorry if that sounds stupid. I promise I am not obsessing over you. I just really feel a sense of loss, but not real closure. It really is terrible - that feeling. I guess I am kind of pathetic in that way.

Anyway, I just have to mention that a few days ago - I think it was Saturday or Sunday, the 5th or 6th - as I was reading book 7 "The Indwelling", I ran across a couple of things that gave me additional things to wonder about. WTH is all of this about? It just seems so meant to happen, which I guess I already know that - I just don't know why or if there is anything to expect in the future or if every WHY of it has already been accomplished and I just don't know.  Does that make any flipping sense at all? I hope so. If anyone can understand my confusion and dismay I think it would be you. SO, the things that jumped out at me when I was reading were:

1. in chapter 10 on page 189 when Hattie said "It's all right, Buck. You owe me nothing." Sound familiar. He went on to reply, "It has nothing to do with owing you anything, Hattie. I'm in the middle of a situation myself..." So first off it struck me that she even said that and I don't know where I got those words from back in Nov 2011, but you sure jumped on them and turned them around on me. Secondly, it also reminded me that although I don't think you actually owe me anything (morally), I actually was expecting something from you (maybe at least emotionally)...more than what has happened so far <crickets>. Then lastly, I also kind of take hope from Buck's statement where he has an "excuse". But whatever! It still struck me that the "similarity" was there. 
2. in chapter 13 on page 241 when Tsion is having his out of body "vision" experience, it states ...It was as if he dangled between the nose and cheekbone of some heavenly Mount Rushmore image. Anyway, I hope you remember why that one strikes me with it's familiarity, too.

Anyway, it was just kind of wild to run across those things within a day of each other and it keeps pointing me to something and I'm not sure what. It's probably just my punishment to live with these kinds of things for the rest of my life. I promise I have tried to repent of my sins. I know that I can be forgiven, but there is still something wrong. I'm almost thinking that it is my willingness and/or own feeling of unworthiness. Not able to forgive myself and hanging onto the guilt due to no closure - no sureness of my own self that I would not do the same thing if presented with the exact same situation again. Is that bad? I wish you could tell me what you think of my thoughts on that and how you understand the gospel to apply to my predicament.

Anyway, I love you still so deeply that I can't explain it. It does sometimes feel a little different because you are so distant. One day I hope I know...someday. I'm sorry and I'm also embarrassed if you have completely forgotten and gone on. This kind of thing has never happened to me. I also hate to admit that I have wondered if you hadn't already had some kind of "online relationships" in the past that made it more familiar and common to you...that would explain you being more easily able to move on and cast me aside as one of many, and just one big mistake.  Anyway, I will not whine and have pity on myself because I just don't really feel pity for myself.

I LOVE YOU with all my existence (something someone once said to me which I wrote down and will never forget).

Yours totally, completely, and forever (if you will ever have me and if God allows it).
Your soul mate,
Me

Text of a planned "Call" to you

Okay. I just want to paste this here because I wrote it earlier trying to put my thoughts into more concise statements of what I want to say and sit and think about leaving on your voicemail or telling you. I may not get the guts to call, though, and I just want to have it recorded if not for you, then for me.

Here it is:

Hey, first of all I have to say that I am SUPER sorry for what I did that may have caused you any negative consequences or feelings at all. I know that you might possibly be over it now with no problems, but it still bothers me to wonder if you have suffered at all due to me. I don’t want you to harbor bad feelings or thoughts about me because if you do you are just so wrong (haha), but the thing that bothers me the most is just the possibility that the experience could have made your life worse, and that of your family – I care more about that more than my own self. I feel like I made such selfish choices and I can hardly live with myself in that respect. I just want you to know that I am truly sorry for any negative effect on you and the kids especially.

Now, that does not mean that I am sorry it happened. The jury is still out in my mind (and may always be) as to what happened and why, but it was still arguably one of the best experiences that ever happened to me in a lot of ways. I won’t go into all of those ways, but just know that my feelings and actions were pure. I did not intend anything bad, even though I knew it may not “technically” be right as in the right and wrong sense – it felt right and I just went with it with no ill intent. I was so inexperienced with what I was dealing with that it all overwhelmed me. I did not put the brakes on myself when I should have. Self control was out the window. Also, you know I was at a really crazy time in life anyway.

I wish I could ask you some advice about so many things because I sensed that you have a lot of wisdom and common sense (where I may be lacking that common sense sometimes).  You probably also do not need to know all of the thoughts I have right now, but just know that I will not EVER forget you or stop praying for you. You have no idea how big of an impact you have made on me and my whole life. So, I also want to THANK YOU for the inspiration and motivation that you have provided me with without even knowing. BIG HUGS!

It’s so hard to say and there is never an end to all the things I want to and could say, but this may already have been unwelcome and out of line. Sorry, I’ve just been feeling a need to get it off my chest.

A Dad and A mixture of other notes

I can't keep up with the number of things that I want to tell you all day long. There are so many different things that cross my mind.

Last night I was thinking of how much I wished that you could be the father of my children, especially of my daughter. I know that is probably an awful thing to think, but I know that you would have given her so much love and she would have had such a different experience with family and with a real Dad. Anyway, that is probably a very ungrateful statement. I AM however, grateful for the life she has had and the protection that God has had upon her and her spirit. She is a lovely and resilient person and I just feel she deserves so much better. But, who am I to question God? It is not really God that I question, but myself and my foolish, scared decision-making over the years. anyway, I was really longing for you in that way last night..

On another note: I just read this article and thought it would be nice to remember later on, and the last few paragraphs of it sum up quite nicely how I think that I SHOULD view all of the craziness in life and that I should have faith in God through it all. Here is the link.
http://ldsmag.com/church/article/10185?ac=1&start=1

On the other note: I have been thinking of more and more songs everyday that I want to "dedicate" or sing to you. HAHA! I am such a ding-dong, but oh well! You probably figured that out a long time ago. I think that you liked me in spite of it, but I still don't know on that one...you might have decided to discard me partially due to that. Anyway, the most recent song I was thinking of was the one that says, "I want you, I want you so baaad baby. I want yooouu...." Along those lines. :)

I need to make a playlist or CD or something and somehow sometime get it to you. WTF, right?

Okay, gotta go. I wish so bad that you could help me through this tumultuous time.

I love you,
Me

So Bad

I want you so bad right now. I know I am letting myself dwell on the thoughts and that is only making it worse, but oh well. I'm kind of enjoying the thoughts. :). What have you done to me? Awakened the beast, you did. Haha.

Anyway, lots of things have gotten me in this mood today. Oh if I could get my hands on you! Mmm mmm mmm.

All right. Enough, but had to vent it. I love you and hope you are having fun, but not that much fun without me! LOL! I know I am a brat!

Forever your love slave!
Me

oh yeah, the poem

That poem will be coming soon. And you can't imagine all of the crazy ideas that go through my head for actually getting things to you and how I can tell you and show you the things I want to show you. God help me!

Goodbye for now! I really hope you are doing okay and are relatively happy now although I admit that I sometimes secretly (haha what isn't in secret that I feel about you?) hope you are longing for me just as much as I long for you. I know you have a different situation though, so are probably not. I can only hope that you still at least remember me and don't hate me. I will have to completely kick your butt and straighten you out if that is the case because I do not deserve that and I will defend myself!

Bye soulmate!

Well, I tried

Okay, so the backing off is not going so well. I mean that I am still consumed with thoughts of you and yes, some of them are not really appropriate to the current situation. I am still completely in love with you.

I woke up this morning creating a poem in my mind about/for you that I wanted to title "I Crave". I wanted to write it down right away but the time and place was not right and I did not have any of my journals with me or any safe computer.

Also, here is another crazy lovescope for today:

Sagittarius: Sometimes you can be your own worst enemy. If you have a few barriers erected around your heart, try to let them down today. The energy of love and desire that is surrounding you now allows for all sorts of pleasantries to come into your life. These perks can provide the foundations of lots more like it to come, if you allow it to happen. The direction you take today can be the start of great friendships that bring you both wealth and love. If you have a date tonight, it may begin dull or uncomfortable but end rather nicely. By opening yourself up, you will find there really is a natural harmony that exists linking you two. You can talk to each other about anything, and feel totally at ease about it all. This begins a bond between you two.

I could only wish this was between us...haha! I do really know that if we really had the chance, we might not work, but my gosh it felt so right and so powerful...like it would for sure be for eternity. What a cruel trick if not, huh? I guess if that is the case, then it wasn't God because he doesn't do that. Only his enemy who is the father of all lies. Anyway, off of that subject!

Well, copying and pasting crap in doesn't work too well. I guess i should go through word first or something...I keep having to change the font colors and stuff and then it screws up the rest of the post.


Anyway, I am somewhat afraid that I am going to lose out based on my "fear" of contacting you. I'm so tired of being scared. It's not just that...it is that I don't want to harm you or your situation in any way. I don't want to be the cause of it. I just want you to understand the truth and the reality of my situation. Maybe it's not the proper time. I just want so bad to believe that you will remember me and will call me. I have so much hope and faith in you (not like a God - in that way, but you know what I mean). I just hope that I am not really that stupid and gullible. But even if I am WTF? I am just living and loving and going with what seems and feels to be right. And I don't care if you think I am an idiot. I would just like to know so that I can take my idiot tail and stuff it between my legs and move on to my next foolish thing to do and be in life. Whatever! I mean my heart is in it and I mean well. I don't really want to be made a fool of, but I can see that my own stubbornness could be what is making a fool of me. Really, that's probably why I was a fool in my marriage for 17+ years. I was just stubborn in the face of complete opposition and obviously bad choices. But, you did have a point that I did it for my daughter and you may be right...even if I wasn't 100% sure on my own if that's why I was doing it maybe God was watching over her and it is what was best. I still don't know and I still doubt that it many ways, but I can't go back and change things.


The bad thing is that I feel bad for him at times and hate breaking his heart, but I can't let that SH*T get to me - excuse my french because I don't usually (at least didn't used to) use that language. I have just begun to throw all caution to the wind which may be a bad thing, but I am having to get rid of some stress.
Well, I feel that I am just rambling and not getting much said. I feel like I really, really want to talk to you but maybe I should wait on God unlike the last time when I pushed things and really screwed it up. Please, please, please remember me and remember that I am still waiting with unanswered questions and with a heart completely yours. Mind, body, and soul wanting to serve God with you together forever.


Sorry if I sound corny. It is just what I feel. I wish you could just know and tell me if I need to hang it up forever or what. Maybe you will never even read this. Maybe no one ever will. But I think it is helping me to get this out. I love you honestly with my whole being and it's so hard not to just shout it out to the whole world. I would do it if it weren't for your wishes and your safety and happiness at stake.


Bye my friend and causer of great conflict in my heart!
Me