I just wanted to say that I said a really good sincere prayer for you and family and this situation last night (or this morning - it was middle of the night). I even prayed for wwe, too - by her real name of course. I was up too late reading cosmo, scriptures, personal stuff, and then the Left Behind book. I am not getting enough sleep I know.
Other weird but good news! 9 slept in the other bedroom last night! woo hoo! He is getting the hint! And really it was because he was being a major butt and big baby and just stomped off in there, but oh well! I have been totally standing my ground. At least I am acting instead of being paralyzed with fear. Hopefully I don't get myself in too much trouble by being to daring!
Well, I hope you are having a great day and wish I could give you a hug (a squeeze) and a smile. I wish I could hug and kiss kids, too - but oh well, I know that someday I will have some kids to hug even if it is grandkids!
I Love You forever!
Your soulmate :P
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
In Denial
It is too hard to accept right now that I might eventually have to let you go. It makes me cry to think of it.
How can I be so hopelessly in love with you? Well, I can tell you that it is definitely a unique feeling that I have for you. It was such a combination of past and present emotions, feelings, memories, new experiences and things that I only shared or experienced with you and probably never will find someone to experience those things with again. Well, I can definitely tell you that it is the most amazingly, wonderful, brilliant, awesome, energizing, eye-opening, mind-boggling, exhilarating, ecstatic, hit-the-ball-outta-the-park, home run kind of love (and I could try and think of more, but....)! At least I felt super special if only for a short while. I felt like I had my prince charming - my fairy tale. And like Garth Brooks sang "...for a moment, wasn't I the king?" Don't you know it?! (ok darn it - now I'm crying again as I go back to fill in some words after leaving this for a little while to wrap up work!) Good grief, I don't even know if you would really even like me now. I don't know if you would really ever love such an emotional and sensitive person as me, but I'm glad you gave it a whirl (except for the unintended bad consequences, of course)!
You so enchanted me with everything about you! I wish I could have just been more patient. I think I have ADD, though, so it's probably hopeless for me to ever not screw anything up with opening my mouth too much. But, I am going to work on that.
I plan to move forward through whatever crap I have to go through - with the goal of one day being able to see you and be with you. If it doesn't happen, then so be it...you will have at least inspired me to be better for whoever does come along at the right time and place. You will always mean so much to me - you can't possibly understand how much. Talking to you really helped pull me out of a low place. The very first day I called you was the day after an especially spiritually revealing/uplifting night for me that I will never, ever forget. So, I had made the first step and I will always remember 9/23 as the day that God put me on a new path toward something that I will ever be looking forward to - and hopefully finding. I'm going to enjoy every bit along the way, though, and be thankful to God for the good and the bad experiences that will lead me to where I belong.
All right, I am getting a little too mushy and blah blah blah - even though I actually feel it and mean every bit of it. This is probably not good for my health to think about this stuff too much, even though for now it is a good feeling. Most of the major pain and despair is gone except for fleeting moments when I allow myself to long for what we had and still linger on the unanswered questions that were left to float off like balloons that I hope will one day come back with the answer. I hope you will remember me and that I am still waiting for those questions that I asked of you to do me a favor...I know you couldn't for the danger of losing the children which really are the most precious thing, and that is why I am trying my best to respect and honor your request. It is not easy - to not throw myself at your feet! OK. Now I am laughing and smiling because I am being a bit sarcastically dramatic but it is the picture that came to mind of my ridiculously desperate self! HA HA! You still bring me so much joy even in the sadness! Anyway...I hope in many years you will at least get to read this stuff and get a laugh out of it if nothing else!
Gotta go - much to do in the real world - ugh!
Bye until our Eternity begins my love!
Me
P.S. -"+?2)+_
How can I be so hopelessly in love with you? Well, I can tell you that it is definitely a unique feeling that I have for you. It was such a combination of past and present emotions, feelings, memories, new experiences and things that I only shared or experienced with you and probably never will find someone to experience those things with again. Well, I can definitely tell you that it is the most amazingly, wonderful, brilliant, awesome, energizing, eye-opening, mind-boggling, exhilarating, ecstatic, hit-the-ball-outta-the-park, home run kind of love (and I could try and think of more, but....)! At least I felt super special if only for a short while. I felt like I had my prince charming - my fairy tale. And like Garth Brooks sang "...for a moment, wasn't I the king?" Don't you know it?! (ok darn it - now I'm crying again as I go back to fill in some words after leaving this for a little while to wrap up work!) Good grief, I don't even know if you would really even like me now. I don't know if you would really ever love such an emotional and sensitive person as me, but I'm glad you gave it a whirl (except for the unintended bad consequences, of course)!
You so enchanted me with everything about you! I wish I could have just been more patient. I think I have ADD, though, so it's probably hopeless for me to ever not screw anything up with opening my mouth too much. But, I am going to work on that.
I plan to move forward through whatever crap I have to go through - with the goal of one day being able to see you and be with you. If it doesn't happen, then so be it...you will have at least inspired me to be better for whoever does come along at the right time and place. You will always mean so much to me - you can't possibly understand how much. Talking to you really helped pull me out of a low place. The very first day I called you was the day after an especially spiritually revealing/uplifting night for me that I will never, ever forget. So, I had made the first step and I will always remember 9/23 as the day that God put me on a new path toward something that I will ever be looking forward to - and hopefully finding. I'm going to enjoy every bit along the way, though, and be thankful to God for the good and the bad experiences that will lead me to where I belong.
All right, I am getting a little too mushy and blah blah blah - even though I actually feel it and mean every bit of it. This is probably not good for my health to think about this stuff too much, even though for now it is a good feeling. Most of the major pain and despair is gone except for fleeting moments when I allow myself to long for what we had and still linger on the unanswered questions that were left to float off like balloons that I hope will one day come back with the answer. I hope you will remember me and that I am still waiting for those questions that I asked of you to do me a favor...I know you couldn't for the danger of losing the children which really are the most precious thing, and that is why I am trying my best to respect and honor your request. It is not easy - to not throw myself at your feet! OK. Now I am laughing and smiling because I am being a bit sarcastically dramatic but it is the picture that came to mind of my ridiculously desperate self! HA HA! You still bring me so much joy even in the sadness! Anyway...I hope in many years you will at least get to read this stuff and get a laugh out of it if nothing else!
Gotta go - much to do in the real world - ugh!
Bye until our Eternity begins my love!
Me
P.S. -"+?2)+_
A Little Freaked Out
I am a little freaked out because I just sent you an e-mail message. I probably should not have, but it's too late now. I just felt impressed to share something with you that I was reading for an upcoming sunday school lesson yesterday. It was a comforting and somewhat thought provoking passage that has stuck with me for years and often helped me when I was in need of help from discouragement or whatever.
I'm hoping it doesn't piss you off or get you in trouble. I don't think it should just because the nature of it is completely innocent and harmless. I wish that there was an undo button and that I could undo the hurt and damage I inflicted upon you and your family. I knew better. I don't know why I always have to feel like the responsible one...it's such a hard burden to bear sometimes, but it seems like I bear it often. I wonder if I don't have more greif and pain over what I caused than over what I experienced and lost. It's hell to pay, and I know I mentioned at the start that I didn't want to go down a road that would surely lead to a very dark place.
The good thing is, that even in the midst of that darkness there is such a light, and so many things to be thankful for. I am just amazed at how many "realizations" keep coming to me in almost a constant flow. I keep realizing things that at least the experience with you, if not you yourself, have brought me to. To new hope, new motivations, new outlook, new interest in improving myself, new efforts to be honest with myself and take care of myself. A renewed effort to really get back aligned with God. A new quasi-confidence (I'm still a chicken in some ways) of going forward into the unknown. I have always had faith, but at times my own personal faith and worthiness has wavered. The hardest part about it and what has kept me the most in line, I guess, has been my kids. I have not ever wanted to dissappoint them or let them down. For the most part, I could say that there is nothing I would hide from them. I did get drug down a little bit over the past several years. I think I should have gotten out of my situation instead of letting it wear me down emotionally, physically, and spirtually. I was eroding slowly over the emotional trauma and fear and paralysis it brought on.
It's too bad that we had bad timing. I can tell you that you probably saw me at my very worst for whatever that is worth. I think I want to say that in case you thought badly of me phsically and/or otherwise. I promise I am not a crazy wound up person although I was feeling it a little at that moment. But, there was also something there that I could not reign in and I should have. I guess I should not have gone with my heart and feelings so blindly. But, I can say it lead to one of the most gratifying feelings ever - although the shortest ever, too. I have often heard talks on how Satan can grant us fleeting, momentary happiness, but that is nothing compared to eternal joy that is obtained through obedience to the commandments.
I'm super sorry again if you regret the encounter or still have negative consequences remaining. I love you and never want to cause you that again, but do still want you to know how much I care and how much God cares - although you probably don't need me to tell you that. So, that's why this is private for now. I hope that one day you can read this, but only either after I'm gone, or if we are together, or at least if it will not cause you problems.
Love to you and kids!
Eternally your friend,
Me
I'm hoping it doesn't piss you off or get you in trouble. I don't think it should just because the nature of it is completely innocent and harmless. I wish that there was an undo button and that I could undo the hurt and damage I inflicted upon you and your family. I knew better. I don't know why I always have to feel like the responsible one...it's such a hard burden to bear sometimes, but it seems like I bear it often. I wonder if I don't have more greif and pain over what I caused than over what I experienced and lost. It's hell to pay, and I know I mentioned at the start that I didn't want to go down a road that would surely lead to a very dark place.
The good thing is, that even in the midst of that darkness there is such a light, and so many things to be thankful for. I am just amazed at how many "realizations" keep coming to me in almost a constant flow. I keep realizing things that at least the experience with you, if not you yourself, have brought me to. To new hope, new motivations, new outlook, new interest in improving myself, new efforts to be honest with myself and take care of myself. A renewed effort to really get back aligned with God. A new quasi-confidence (I'm still a chicken in some ways) of going forward into the unknown. I have always had faith, but at times my own personal faith and worthiness has wavered. The hardest part about it and what has kept me the most in line, I guess, has been my kids. I have not ever wanted to dissappoint them or let them down. For the most part, I could say that there is nothing I would hide from them. I did get drug down a little bit over the past several years. I think I should have gotten out of my situation instead of letting it wear me down emotionally, physically, and spirtually. I was eroding slowly over the emotional trauma and fear and paralysis it brought on.
It's too bad that we had bad timing. I can tell you that you probably saw me at my very worst for whatever that is worth. I think I want to say that in case you thought badly of me phsically and/or otherwise. I promise I am not a crazy wound up person although I was feeling it a little at that moment. But, there was also something there that I could not reign in and I should have. I guess I should not have gone with my heart and feelings so blindly. But, I can say it lead to one of the most gratifying feelings ever - although the shortest ever, too. I have often heard talks on how Satan can grant us fleeting, momentary happiness, but that is nothing compared to eternal joy that is obtained through obedience to the commandments.
I'm super sorry again if you regret the encounter or still have negative consequences remaining. I love you and never want to cause you that again, but do still want you to know how much I care and how much God cares - although you probably don't need me to tell you that. So, that's why this is private for now. I hope that one day you can read this, but only either after I'm gone, or if we are together, or at least if it will not cause you problems.
Love to you and kids!
Eternally your friend,
Me
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Almost Got Caught
I almost got caught writing this. No one knows about it. Yikes! I better be careful! Ttyl.
PS. Hiney Duck Hiss
PS. Hiney Duck Hiss
Great Day
It was a good day. Ash and I went to a baptism of some family members. It was a super nice weather day, too. Of course the whole time I just can't get my mind off of you. I really don't understand. I also sometimes wonder if someone is not tracking my keystrokes. If so, then oh well! I really don't care anymore. I have decided that I want to be who I am. I am going to live my life and love it! I'm not going to waste any more time. If there is one thing that the cancer has taught me, it is that life is not worth putting up with really bad stuff. And that there is a fine line between beeing selfless and loving, and in being a doormat and not taking care of yourself.
I had not really taken care of myself in a LONG time. Physically for sure, and spiritually I had begun to neglect myself as well. Anyway, I know that I thought I was doing the right thing all along - I guess I thought that being a martyr and all was somehow noble and good. And I guess in some ways maybe it was, but in some ways it was a cop out. This life is all about ourselves and our relationship to God - which of course includes our duties to family, as well. So, we do have a duty to teach our children, and even somewhat of a duty to our fellow men. however, it's kind of like the drowning victim where if we don't have our own life vest on and jump in to save someone else, however noble it may be - we may not have really saved them and then lost ourselves also in the process.
Anyway, I just realize now that there should have been more balance - and I REALLY should have gotten out when I was hit on the head figuratively many times and new that I was not treated right in my marriage. It's just that I know that it is not supposed to be all about me. I thought that those kind of thoughts and feelings were just selfish. I will never know what damage could have been avoided, or what could have happened for the better or worse if I had just listened and gone with my instincts. I really have good intentions, and I really love God and was really super close to God and the spirit for a long time, so should not have doubted myself so much. I swear I have been so worn down over the years that it is still hard to trust myself.
I am so glad to have had the recent Bon Jovi experience that has so enlightened and energized and changed my life in so many ways! It led to a lot of very painful experiences, but overall has been so much a motivational force for bettering myself and my life - I know it has not ended yet. I can only look forward in hope and faith. I thank God for the good and the bad that came from that - for I know he wants me to learn something and grow. He needs me to be in a different place than I have been "hiding" in for so long. I have been unable to be myself.
Well, I hope you and family are having fun and learning and growing in Christ and in faith. It makes a world of difference. I really hope the kids can meet someday.
There were a lot of richard marx songs I listened to today that I would send you if I could! Man you were an awesome friend. No one can ever take your place and I know that sounds stupid but it is true.
Love ya! Bye!
Me
I had not really taken care of myself in a LONG time. Physically for sure, and spiritually I had begun to neglect myself as well. Anyway, I know that I thought I was doing the right thing all along - I guess I thought that being a martyr and all was somehow noble and good. And I guess in some ways maybe it was, but in some ways it was a cop out. This life is all about ourselves and our relationship to God - which of course includes our duties to family, as well. So, we do have a duty to teach our children, and even somewhat of a duty to our fellow men. however, it's kind of like the drowning victim where if we don't have our own life vest on and jump in to save someone else, however noble it may be - we may not have really saved them and then lost ourselves also in the process.
Anyway, I just realize now that there should have been more balance - and I REALLY should have gotten out when I was hit on the head figuratively many times and new that I was not treated right in my marriage. It's just that I know that it is not supposed to be all about me. I thought that those kind of thoughts and feelings were just selfish. I will never know what damage could have been avoided, or what could have happened for the better or worse if I had just listened and gone with my instincts. I really have good intentions, and I really love God and was really super close to God and the spirit for a long time, so should not have doubted myself so much. I swear I have been so worn down over the years that it is still hard to trust myself.
I am so glad to have had the recent Bon Jovi experience that has so enlightened and energized and changed my life in so many ways! It led to a lot of very painful experiences, but overall has been so much a motivational force for bettering myself and my life - I know it has not ended yet. I can only look forward in hope and faith. I thank God for the good and the bad that came from that - for I know he wants me to learn something and grow. He needs me to be in a different place than I have been "hiding" in for so long. I have been unable to be myself.
Well, I hope you and family are having fun and learning and growing in Christ and in faith. It makes a world of difference. I really hope the kids can meet someday.
There were a lot of richard marx songs I listened to today that I would send you if I could! Man you were an awesome friend. No one can ever take your place and I know that sounds stupid but it is true.
Love ya! Bye!
Me
Friday, January 27, 2012
As if you're watching...
I wish I could ask your opinion on so many things. I remember one time you said "at least I know I'm your inspiration." I hope that you would still like it that you still are. I am motivated in a lot of things by you. I often think that you could be watching - haha. Meaning that I sometimes act as if you were watching in hopes that you would be pleased. Strange, huh?
Anyway, I could only hope to ever measure up to your expectations, and probably will never know now.
Miss ya much!
Anyway, I could only hope to ever measure up to your expectations, and probably will never know now.
Miss ya much!
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Back in the Saddle - Almost - But Still Without You
Well, I made it back to work today. I will see the doctor tomorrow to find out the next step in the plan of action. I am so sick of missing you and wanting to tell you things and send you things! I am sick of thinking of you every minute! I don't know whether to be mad at you for this or not. I know it is not directly your fault. I really just get mad that I don't know what you are thinking - if you are glad to be rid of me or whether you think of me at all.
I long for you so badly that it just rushed through me again when I began to type the thought. The tears of frustration and sadness and emptiness come flooding in and I feel it through my entire chest and heart. I wonder why why why? I also want so badly to tell you today how much I love you. What if you don't know? And then I wonder if it is better that you don't know. This male/female BS is terrible, isn't it? I was thinking last night that maybe this is one of the reasons that we are not supposed to get involved like we did - because of the pain and sadness that it almost inevitably brings. I thought about that because I know that God loves us and that the feelings that we had (at least that I had - I don't know exactly what yours were but yours felt true to me) are not inherently wrong in and of themselves - they were actually quite beautiful and pure at the roots. But therein lies the problems - that of expressing them in the wrong situations or at the wrong times/places. God with his commandments is actually trying to protect us and guide us home to him while keeping us from as much devastation as possible in the process. He wants to bless us, too! I wish I knew what to do about this. I guess I should pray more.
Well, I only hope that you are okay and happy. Something has just been really bothering me today and yesterday about you - I have just been feeling like you are not happy and are struggling and I wish I could be there for you in any kind of way that you need me - if you need me at all. BUT I AM TRYING TO HONOR your begging request of me to stop contacting you. It is so hard to love you and at the same time try and honor that request. At the same time, I feel completely horrible if I have had any part in creating a bad situation for someone that I love dearly and only want to be happy - even if it does not include me. I really want you to be successful and realize what a great human being you are. You have no idea how much you have inspired me to be better - not that I was a bad person. I was just down and being drug down further - I felt like I was slowly losing my soul and myself until you came into my life. You made me so happy just by being yourself - and you may never know.
I realize that you could be a little different than what you portrayed to me - and maybe God was saving me from further hurt if you really would have only turned on me since he knew how much I had fallen for you. I was so ready to give EVERYTHING for you and to you - but it was mainly because I felt that you were offering me the same. So, I actually don't feel as foolish unless I really was duped and you didn't feel that way about me.
The crazy thing is that even if you were just "using" me for something...whatever it may have been...I almost wish you would need me for SOMETHING again. I would love to offer you friendship, advice, and of course other things that I had never even dreamed of before you - even that would be awesome if I knew that's all it was.
I just need you in my life somehow, someday. I hope that you do not think that this is stupid or weird. And I know that life will go on without you. However, as I think I put in another post already and partially quoting from one of my favorite movies, "...the place I live in is that much more drab and empty that you are gone."
May God bring us back together again soon!
With all my love - heart, body, and soul ,
Eternally yours,
Me - your soulmate (no names for your deniability)
I long for you so badly that it just rushed through me again when I began to type the thought. The tears of frustration and sadness and emptiness come flooding in and I feel it through my entire chest and heart. I wonder why why why? I also want so badly to tell you today how much I love you. What if you don't know? And then I wonder if it is better that you don't know. This male/female BS is terrible, isn't it? I was thinking last night that maybe this is one of the reasons that we are not supposed to get involved like we did - because of the pain and sadness that it almost inevitably brings. I thought about that because I know that God loves us and that the feelings that we had (at least that I had - I don't know exactly what yours were but yours felt true to me) are not inherently wrong in and of themselves - they were actually quite beautiful and pure at the roots. But therein lies the problems - that of expressing them in the wrong situations or at the wrong times/places. God with his commandments is actually trying to protect us and guide us home to him while keeping us from as much devastation as possible in the process. He wants to bless us, too! I wish I knew what to do about this. I guess I should pray more.
Well, I only hope that you are okay and happy. Something has just been really bothering me today and yesterday about you - I have just been feeling like you are not happy and are struggling and I wish I could be there for you in any kind of way that you need me - if you need me at all. BUT I AM TRYING TO HONOR your begging request of me to stop contacting you. It is so hard to love you and at the same time try and honor that request. At the same time, I feel completely horrible if I have had any part in creating a bad situation for someone that I love dearly and only want to be happy - even if it does not include me. I really want you to be successful and realize what a great human being you are. You have no idea how much you have inspired me to be better - not that I was a bad person. I was just down and being drug down further - I felt like I was slowly losing my soul and myself until you came into my life. You made me so happy just by being yourself - and you may never know.
I realize that you could be a little different than what you portrayed to me - and maybe God was saving me from further hurt if you really would have only turned on me since he knew how much I had fallen for you. I was so ready to give EVERYTHING for you and to you - but it was mainly because I felt that you were offering me the same. So, I actually don't feel as foolish unless I really was duped and you didn't feel that way about me.
The crazy thing is that even if you were just "using" me for something...whatever it may have been...I almost wish you would need me for SOMETHING again. I would love to offer you friendship, advice, and of course other things that I had never even dreamed of before you - even that would be awesome if I knew that's all it was.
I just need you in my life somehow, someday. I hope that you do not think that this is stupid or weird. And I know that life will go on without you. However, as I think I put in another post already and partially quoting from one of my favorite movies, "...the place I live in is that much more drab and empty that you are gone."
May God bring us back together again soon!
With all my love - heart, body, and soul ,
Eternally yours,
Me - your soulmate (no names for your deniability)
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
By the way...
I will probably not post as much for a while as my computer at home went a little haywire and I am wondering if someone has been snooping or something possibly. And then, I will probably be out from work for approx a week for surgery.
So ttyl :)
So ttyl :)
Emptiness
The emptiness just hit me again...how so many things in life are so empty now without you. I know that sounds stupid, and might be, but just sayin...
I can tell that things are settling just a little for me, in that I might not think about you EVERY waking moment (but still almost). I am still haunted by the "what I could have or should have done differently". I also still have just as strong of pain when I remember the goodness and all that has been lost. And I still wonder if you ever think about me. I was of course thinking about you watching the Alabama vs. LSU game, and hoped you would think of me, too. I was secretly happy that Nick Gentry was in on so many plays, hoping that you might remember something.
It almost makes me super sorry, though, that I ever let this happen...I hope you think of me, but at the same time, I don't wish that you are sad or suffering the misery that I am feeling. I only wanted to make you the most happy man in the world, not miserable. So, in that way...maybe I hope you don't think of me, or that maybe you are pissed and glad that you got rid of me. That would hurt if you really rejected me in your heart, and maybe I'll never know.
I will be having surgery soon. It has been super hard to decide on with all of the other pressures in life...the four corners crashing in on me!
Oh how I miss you and the way you communicate...I loved everything about talking to you. You were funny and charming and disarming and direct and (yikes - I just now got that super hot/burning in the chest feeling just thinking about your "words")... wow! You really have mastered that art, and I guess I should have wondered how - I guess maybe you have sweet talked many women in your life. You really did make me feel special, but I know that I may have just been one of many.
Whatever! Now I am getting a little pissed off because I can't take crap anymore and can't subject myself to it. I am already being threatened every day by the last man I took crap off of. He threatens every day to find some guy that I am talking to and to not do nice things to him - and he will probably let me live he says. I try to tell him that I am not talking to anyone. But is is just that I am through with him and I know I can never ever go back to what was. I am probably going to talk to a social worker from MD Anderson about all of these issues.
It's so true that I almost feel like I was pushed out a door and had the door slammed behind me. I hope that God will forgive me and help me even though I have not been 100% true to what I know and believe. I know that he knows my heart and he knows my weaknesses and strengths and capacities. I believe what happened definitely needed to happen although it is not completely clear all of the reasons. I hope that you are happy it happened, or at least were happy at the time. I believe I was the happiest I had ever been in most ways. It was hard not having you there physically, but the spiritual/emotional/and "quasi physical" were the most amazing, deepest felt connections ever!
Ugh I just went to spell check a word and thought I had lost this whole thing. Thank goodness I didn't, because you never can get the thought flow/process back when trying to re-write something. God I miss you so much it hurts! I constantly want to send you songs and things that remind me of you and I want you to know that I love you and am thinking about you and still want to be everything to you if it can ever possibly happen.
I'm scared about the future. I have 4 major things to deal with right now (and THIS is #5, I guess, but I'm dealing :) for the most part). I hope to deal with the health and the job fairly easily. The relationship and the finances are going to be the toughest part, I think - as I have been trying to deal with them for years and never made much progress. I get stuck in analysis paralysis.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for all that you showed me a gave me. No matter what it was to you, it was priceless to me!
Forever your soul mate,
Me
I can tell that things are settling just a little for me, in that I might not think about you EVERY waking moment (but still almost). I am still haunted by the "what I could have or should have done differently". I also still have just as strong of pain when I remember the goodness and all that has been lost. And I still wonder if you ever think about me. I was of course thinking about you watching the Alabama vs. LSU game, and hoped you would think of me, too. I was secretly happy that Nick Gentry was in on so many plays, hoping that you might remember something.
It almost makes me super sorry, though, that I ever let this happen...I hope you think of me, but at the same time, I don't wish that you are sad or suffering the misery that I am feeling. I only wanted to make you the most happy man in the world, not miserable. So, in that way...maybe I hope you don't think of me, or that maybe you are pissed and glad that you got rid of me. That would hurt if you really rejected me in your heart, and maybe I'll never know.
I will be having surgery soon. It has been super hard to decide on with all of the other pressures in life...the four corners crashing in on me!
Oh how I miss you and the way you communicate...I loved everything about talking to you. You were funny and charming and disarming and direct and (yikes - I just now got that super hot/burning in the chest feeling just thinking about your "words")... wow! You really have mastered that art, and I guess I should have wondered how - I guess maybe you have sweet talked many women in your life. You really did make me feel special, but I know that I may have just been one of many.
Whatever! Now I am getting a little pissed off because I can't take crap anymore and can't subject myself to it. I am already being threatened every day by the last man I took crap off of. He threatens every day to find some guy that I am talking to and to not do nice things to him - and he will probably let me live he says. I try to tell him that I am not talking to anyone. But is is just that I am through with him and I know I can never ever go back to what was. I am probably going to talk to a social worker from MD Anderson about all of these issues.
It's so true that I almost feel like I was pushed out a door and had the door slammed behind me. I hope that God will forgive me and help me even though I have not been 100% true to what I know and believe. I know that he knows my heart and he knows my weaknesses and strengths and capacities. I believe what happened definitely needed to happen although it is not completely clear all of the reasons. I hope that you are happy it happened, or at least were happy at the time. I believe I was the happiest I had ever been in most ways. It was hard not having you there physically, but the spiritual/emotional/and "quasi physical" were the most amazing, deepest felt connections ever!
Ugh I just went to spell check a word and thought I had lost this whole thing. Thank goodness I didn't, because you never can get the thought flow/process back when trying to re-write something. God I miss you so much it hurts! I constantly want to send you songs and things that remind me of you and I want you to know that I love you and am thinking about you and still want to be everything to you if it can ever possibly happen.
I'm scared about the future. I have 4 major things to deal with right now (and THIS is #5, I guess, but I'm dealing :) for the most part). I hope to deal with the health and the job fairly easily. The relationship and the finances are going to be the toughest part, I think - as I have been trying to deal with them for years and never made much progress. I get stuck in analysis paralysis.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for all that you showed me a gave me. No matter what it was to you, it was priceless to me!
Forever your soul mate,
Me
Friday, January 6, 2012
I Wish You Could Hold Me
I just wish you could hold me right now. I long for it so bad! I wish I could look into your eyes right now and run my fingers (and my nails are growing now! :)) up through your hair and down the back of your head to over your ears and to your neck and shoulders and give you a rub down all over while you hold me. I wish I could just go back and stop time and lay in your arms forever!
Sorry, I'm just really wanting to cry because I miss you so bad right now. I have so many things I want to share with you and tell you. My heart beats for you every minute. I wonder if you know at all how I feel and if you EVER even think about me any more. I should have never let you see me at my worst. I needed a haircut and hair color. I was so exhausted from staying up two nights with you and with the incident with 9, and then I rode on a plane and drove all day long! I wouldn't blame you for being disappointed in me when you saw me. I was a partial emotional wreck, too, what with all of the excitement on top of the stress and drama of the preceding week.
I can only hope that you really meant what you said about the looks not being everything and that my heart was able to speak to your heart and my soul spoke to your soul like yours did to mine. I hope I get another chance to be all that you want and need. I promise I would not let you down and would love and cherish you like no other.
Missing you tremendously!
Sorry, I'm just really wanting to cry because I miss you so bad right now. I have so many things I want to share with you and tell you. My heart beats for you every minute. I wonder if you know at all how I feel and if you EVER even think about me any more. I should have never let you see me at my worst. I needed a haircut and hair color. I was so exhausted from staying up two nights with you and with the incident with 9, and then I rode on a plane and drove all day long! I wouldn't blame you for being disappointed in me when you saw me. I was a partial emotional wreck, too, what with all of the excitement on top of the stress and drama of the preceding week.
I can only hope that you really meant what you said about the looks not being everything and that my heart was able to speak to your heart and my soul spoke to your soul like yours did to mine. I hope I get another chance to be all that you want and need. I promise I would not let you down and would love and cherish you like no other.
Missing you tremendously!
Feeling Crazy
So, this is just craziness! I am in some ways very upset with myself that I cannot or will not quit thinking of you. Maybe you are just my "therapist", though. And even though you are not listening, I am getting stuff off my chest. I miss you so bad and wish in some ways that I would quit being such an idiot and hoping for you to call me or text me one day. I kind of want to get an Iphone, but I am sad that I will not have the blackberry anymore if I do that because I feel like I would be losing that favorite way of communicating with you.
I remember when you first stopped contacting me because I guess your phone was messed up or at the shop or something. I used to dream and wake up all night long, and sometimes I would dream that you had messaged me and then wake up to such terrible pain when I realized you had not. That first week after I saw you and you didn't talk to me at all for so long was so bad...I was so confused. I kept second guessing everything I had done or said and wondering if I should have done something different. I was hoping that you were not dissappointed in me physically, but kept remembering all of the things that you said that pointed things out. Like you asked about my eyebrows, which I have been sure to have looking good now...and you asked about me talking so fast because I was nervous. I was and still am so afraid that you rejected me based on that night. I just can't beleive that you would not at least stand up and and let me ask the questions. And I know that may not have helped a whole lot because you might would not be 100% honest anyway - and you might just say what you think I want to hear. But, maybe not - that was one thing I really liked about you. You SEEMED to honestly state your opinion, although I could be wrong and it may have only been because we were so far away and it felt safer (or more safe - whatever the more correct term is).
Well, I have to go now and go out to eat. I had slight good news and we are going out to celebrate. I also got some other good news on the job front today. At least I think it will be good news. I am feeling a little strange about writing too much online again!
Bye...I love you!
I remember when you first stopped contacting me because I guess your phone was messed up or at the shop or something. I used to dream and wake up all night long, and sometimes I would dream that you had messaged me and then wake up to such terrible pain when I realized you had not. That first week after I saw you and you didn't talk to me at all for so long was so bad...I was so confused. I kept second guessing everything I had done or said and wondering if I should have done something different. I was hoping that you were not dissappointed in me physically, but kept remembering all of the things that you said that pointed things out. Like you asked about my eyebrows, which I have been sure to have looking good now...and you asked about me talking so fast because I was nervous. I was and still am so afraid that you rejected me based on that night. I just can't beleive that you would not at least stand up and and let me ask the questions. And I know that may not have helped a whole lot because you might would not be 100% honest anyway - and you might just say what you think I want to hear. But, maybe not - that was one thing I really liked about you. You SEEMED to honestly state your opinion, although I could be wrong and it may have only been because we were so far away and it felt safer (or more safe - whatever the more correct term is).
Well, I have to go now and go out to eat. I had slight good news and we are going out to celebrate. I also got some other good news on the job front today. At least I think it will be good news. I am feeling a little strange about writing too much online again!
Bye...I love you!
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
A Hopefully Quick update
I've been journaling in addition to this blog, so I already wrote a lot today in the journal letter to you. I also wanted to note this quote that I found that I likened to this situation. Here it is:
So, other than that, I was back at work today after a week off at the holidays. It was nice to be off. Work almost reminds me of you even more since so much of our time communicating was during the work day. I can't park, or walk to the stairs in the garage without remembering having you with me and especially the day you put such a big smile on my face that the guys at the elevator said something to me about it. I really miss that joy and excitement. I wonder if you do at all. Well, I know that time will wear on and things will get better, but for some reason I still feel right now that you are such a valuable person to me and I still don't want to give up and I don't want to lose you again. It is horrible the situation and the timing that this occured during, but I swear that I want to be ready in case the timing is ever right in the future. I love your heart with my heart and I love your soul with my soul. I felt it so deep in my bones. I wrote down once that you said that you loved me with all your existence. That is exactly how I would describe my feelings and love at the time and now, too. The craziness has faded a little, but the feelings are there forever, I think. I hope and pray for the "someday" to come where I can talk and be with you for eternity.
Bye for now my love!
That was so much exactly what I was feeling especially in the middle of the night when I was watching that movie on 12/19/11 at 2:45am. It just struck me as a good insight and expression at the time.Sometimes it makes me sad, (Andy) being gone. I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright and when they fly away the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice, but still...the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they are gone.....I guess I just miss my friend.
So, other than that, I was back at work today after a week off at the holidays. It was nice to be off. Work almost reminds me of you even more since so much of our time communicating was during the work day. I can't park, or walk to the stairs in the garage without remembering having you with me and especially the day you put such a big smile on my face that the guys at the elevator said something to me about it. I really miss that joy and excitement. I wonder if you do at all. Well, I know that time will wear on and things will get better, but for some reason I still feel right now that you are such a valuable person to me and I still don't want to give up and I don't want to lose you again. It is horrible the situation and the timing that this occured during, but I swear that I want to be ready in case the timing is ever right in the future. I love your heart with my heart and I love your soul with my soul. I felt it so deep in my bones. I wrote down once that you said that you loved me with all your existence. That is exactly how I would describe my feelings and love at the time and now, too. The craziness has faded a little, but the feelings are there forever, I think. I hope and pray for the "someday" to come where I can talk and be with you for eternity.
Bye for now my love!
Sunday, January 1, 2012
A New Year with Hope
I have to admit that I did miss you today. I went to church and then we went to the hockey game downtown with my daughter, my sister and her family, and my sister-in-law. It is just still so wierd that everything reminds me of you. I can't really think of a time when I'm not thinking of you in some way whether it is missing or wondering what you thought or what happened or if anything will ever be...I remember the time at least once maybe more than once that I wanted to find you many years ago and the only place I knew to look was Birmingham. I called the "information" number and tried to look you up in that city to no avail. I guess you either didn't have a phone in your name or you had already moved from there. I really wish that we had given each other a way to stay in touch, although i think you had my number. It's hurts to think of all the years that I could have been in your arms even though I know it might not have been the way I think since we were slightly different people back then. I think that we were more genuine though, less tainted by life - that's what my soul is longing for is to be the real me instead of a doormat committed to an ideal that has cost me many years and maybe even my health to a large degree.
In some way that bothers me when you said (especially the last time) that God has a plan. I think it was just the way you said it like that you have no control over your own life and destiny when I believe that we do. I think that our Heavenly Father wants us to be happy and will bless us with our righteous desires.
I hope that we will both be blessed with those.
I feel like I am almost having an identity crisis right now if you know what I mean. I'm just re-thinking everything. It's so hard and I so wish I had you to talk to. I won't call you my best friend, but I will call you my favorite friend. I wish I had my favorite friend to talk to about everything. I wish I knew if you were having any sucess with your job search and whether you were happy or not - and I mean really happy. I really think you deserve it and hope that wwe treats you at least better now - if not the way you want to be treated. Maybe she wasn't as bad as she sounded. I think I have been made out to be a super bad unloving bitch in the past by a certain person I know which probably got some woman to think that he would be all hers because he was done with me. Well, now I know how it feels to be on the other side...completely awful from both sides is what I can tell you. And also let me warn you not to lose yourself completely as I did in trying to make the "ideal" work. You remember that you are a son of God who he loves deeply and yes, he does have a plan and you don't really know it. But he put us here to act and not to be acted upon. He gave us the commandments and examples and guidelines and he knows each one of us personally - he knows our hearts and minds better than us and he knows our capabilities, too. He knows when we need a push - and I think he pushed me recently. I still am excited to find out why - and I hope that he is not too dissappointed in my own weakness and disobedience. I am probably suffering for it now, but hope that it can be forgiven. And also by you - I hope can forgive me for being a part of what has not been a pleasant experience for you. I could go on and on and on as you probably figured out in the short time we had together. I will leave more for later. I have so much to tell you. And I read a really strange and almost erotic blog recently that really made me think. I wish i knew what you thought about it and could ask you if some of our experience was similar in any way. There is so much that I would do differently in hindsight...like for one thing not let you see me at my worst in almost every way. But, since you said there was more to it at our age, I didn't worry too much because I thought you meant what you said when you said you were all mine. okay okay...later.
Well, I love you deeply, as always...and hope that we will still have eternity to talk like you used to tell me.
Please be good and please don't forget me. I wish you would at least allow me to ask the questions that I am dying to ask as that might help me to move on if that is really what I need to do. I know that I will try to move on anyway as it is probably the proper and dignified thing to do, but it might help if I could really understand. I think that you were honest and open before and I want you to know that I can take it. Please please please. muah! from miles away...til another day...someday will come.
p.s. I miss your cuteness, your directness, your strength and your weakness, your amazing talent to give me the most awesome O's ever. I saw so much in you that I wanted to have all these years. I hope I have not lost you forever!
In some way that bothers me when you said (especially the last time) that God has a plan. I think it was just the way you said it like that you have no control over your own life and destiny when I believe that we do. I think that our Heavenly Father wants us to be happy and will bless us with our righteous desires.
I hope that we will both be blessed with those.
I feel like I am almost having an identity crisis right now if you know what I mean. I'm just re-thinking everything. It's so hard and I so wish I had you to talk to. I won't call you my best friend, but I will call you my favorite friend. I wish I had my favorite friend to talk to about everything. I wish I knew if you were having any sucess with your job search and whether you were happy or not - and I mean really happy. I really think you deserve it and hope that wwe treats you at least better now - if not the way you want to be treated. Maybe she wasn't as bad as she sounded. I think I have been made out to be a super bad unloving bitch in the past by a certain person I know which probably got some woman to think that he would be all hers because he was done with me. Well, now I know how it feels to be on the other side...completely awful from both sides is what I can tell you. And also let me warn you not to lose yourself completely as I did in trying to make the "ideal" work. You remember that you are a son of God who he loves deeply and yes, he does have a plan and you don't really know it. But he put us here to act and not to be acted upon. He gave us the commandments and examples and guidelines and he knows each one of us personally - he knows our hearts and minds better than us and he knows our capabilities, too. He knows when we need a push - and I think he pushed me recently. I still am excited to find out why - and I hope that he is not too dissappointed in my own weakness and disobedience. I am probably suffering for it now, but hope that it can be forgiven. And also by you - I hope can forgive me for being a part of what has not been a pleasant experience for you. I could go on and on and on as you probably figured out in the short time we had together. I will leave more for later. I have so much to tell you. And I read a really strange and almost erotic blog recently that really made me think. I wish i knew what you thought about it and could ask you if some of our experience was similar in any way. There is so much that I would do differently in hindsight...like for one thing not let you see me at my worst in almost every way. But, since you said there was more to it at our age, I didn't worry too much because I thought you meant what you said when you said you were all mine. okay okay...later.
Well, I love you deeply, as always...and hope that we will still have eternity to talk like you used to tell me.
Please be good and please don't forget me. I wish you would at least allow me to ask the questions that I am dying to ask as that might help me to move on if that is really what I need to do. I know that I will try to move on anyway as it is probably the proper and dignified thing to do, but it might help if I could really understand. I think that you were honest and open before and I want you to know that I can take it. Please please please. muah! from miles away...til another day...someday will come.
p.s. I miss your cuteness, your directness, your strength and your weakness, your amazing talent to give me the most awesome O's ever. I saw so much in you that I wanted to have all these years. I hope I have not lost you forever!
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