Needing You

I feel like I need you so much right now! I wish so bad that you could hold me, or even just advise me on some of my big issues. Anyway, I keep feeling a sense of dread and have begun to lose hope that I will ever get to have what I want. Maybe what I want is wrong, but it still hurts so much!
It also has been brought to my mind (just this morning the thought came to me when I had one of those pangs of wishing to talk to you and for you to rescue me!) that maybe I need this time alone to really learn what I need to learn to be the best I can be for you. Maybe I'm not ready or prepared. All I can do is dream of you and me (I) being together one day. If that day comes I want it to be perfect, or as close to it as possible. That being said, I know that I have a lot to learn about being a woman and about being more organized. I wish so bad that I had not lived in the terrible mental/emotional situation that I lived in for so long. It is still not easy getting away from it, but I think I will be strong. I have always worried about him and I still do - that is crazy, I know!
Anyway, he has been getting online and getting all kinds of friends and looking for women. It just reminds me of how really insecure I feel at times. I begin to get so scared that I am going to be alone forever, or that I will be weak and fall into some kind of relationship that is really not proper and not what I really want. I mean, I'm not closed to the thought and fact that there may be someone out there for me that is not you - even though I want in my heart and with all my existence for it to be you. I'm afraid that maybe one day you will call and want me and need me and I don't want to have messed anything up. But, I also realize that that kind of thinking is what has held me in this bullcrap for way too long! I kept thinking that the minute I was done with him and gave up on my hopes and dreams and idealism, that he would all of the sudden blossom into something great like the frog turning into the prince, but not for me. I'm really just getting sad remembering this feeling. But, still, I wonder...I question myself and what I am really worthy of and why things seem to be so hard for me. I was so devoted and tried with everything I had for so long! But maybe I was trying and being stubborn for the wrong things and for the wrong reasons.

As you can see, I am so confused! And that leads me to think that you wouldn't be able to stand such a confused person as me, anyway. So, I better get my act together!

Also, I'm not always thinking this or in this state of mind. I think things are just moving along and I am getting scared and stressed and worried. I know that so much is coming up in the world in times ahead. I want so bad to be on the right side with God, and I also want someone who will be with me and take care of me. I don't want to be alone.

I'm also scared that I am being punished or will be punished for what I have done. I hope you forgive me and I know I need to forgive myself.

I guess I really need to be relying on God, which in a way I am. I know that it is he who will bless me with what I need. I also know that a lot of blessings are predicated on obedience to laws/commandments. What if I don't qualify. You know, I actually can relate to that dang Hattie Durham sometimes! And then she just died a martyr in the last book I finished. I hope that is not my fate, but if it is I guess I will be strong by then.

This is really killing me. I feel like I am going to explode. I guess when I get moved, maybe I will have things to take my mind off it, but I don't really see that happening, as I will be by myself a lot.

Well, I will pray for you as I always do. I can only hope that you are praying for me at least every now and then. I hope you have not completely forgotten me.

Love in Christ, and more eternally,
Me