The title here is just what I was doing when I tried to think how in the world can I even get out what is in my heart and soul and mind. I have not written to you on here in forever because it is really painful and I know that every time I come here to write it just goes on and on and I have to have the time to try and let things out. This is kind of my outlet...so you can tell it has built up lately. Believe me so many thoughts go through my head all day long. And right now I wonder if you would think this is completely ridiculous how long I have gone on like this.
I start to cry most times when I think of you. It's so hard to even explain why. And right now I wonder if you would know and if you would understand what I am feeling without me even telling you. I feel like you would. And I so miss having that in my life - what I felt like I had for such a short time!
I must say that I am going to many strange lengths to try and get over you. I feel that I won't ever get over it without seeing and talking to you - at least talking to you - and not just for some short 2 minute bullshit hurry-up-so-you-don't-get-caught conversation. I really need to have some time to talk to you and ask you some things to sort this out in my mind. Or, it might get partially sorted if you happen to act a certain way and just run the dagger through my heart again...I might get dissuaded (sp?). It makes me think that I hope you are happy, but I don't think that she deserves you at all. I could be wrong because I don't know a thing about her.
I have done the craziest thing and gone on a online site...partially prompted by finding my ex was doing so, and then partially after my friend/acquaintance was meeting some people online and encouraged me to do it. So far it has been okay and a little interesting. I have had tons of offers from married guys just wanting a hookup - and I think most of them really want a physical hookup...some may just be looking to chat...I don't know. In any case I have replied to some of them and try to ask them why they are doing that and tell them I am not interested. It does make me wonder if you were like some of these guys. One older guy says that his wife told him they were too old to have sex anymore and just announced they were not doing it any more. That is kind of weird to me, but I guess I don't know what I would do when I am 60's. I would surely hope not to run my husband off to find women to keep him company in that way...how awful!
There are even a few really interesting and good looking and almost perfect sounding guys on there...but of course, the ones that look the best to me are probably not going to be interested in me and vice versa. And, any decent guy who would really be my is not going to be interested in me until I am single. I have not listed my status as single because I am not divorced yet. It has been filed, though. I get plenty of messages and offers from either super young guys, or from men who are not really close, or who i just look at the pictures and just don't think it would be worth meeting them. Besides the fact that it makes me very nervous to meet anyone at all, and especially someone from online....I then start to cry and think how can I ever even really open my heart to anyone else when my heart still belongs to you? I have had a few friendly conversations and gotten some info and stuff on my new city.
Anyway, I am moving - at least the first transition of the move starting this weekend. Temporary housing. I am a huge bundle of nerves and feel so disorganized. I think I have been so used to having someone else to depend on and make decisions with even if it was effed up. I cannot believe that I so bought into the fairy tale of you. And what is even dumber is that I still believe in fairy tales. I don't know if and when I will ever give up, but I am realistic, too. It does scare me to think of having to get to know someone new and the awkwardness of it. That is one thing I liked about you...you did not seem awkward at all...it's like I had known you forever and like it was meant to be. In so many ways. Either God led me to that or the Devil did.
I think this post is getting too long and i might have to break it up into two.
I don't remember if I ever told you about so many of the things that led up to that amazing September day. Oh and I just realized a weird coincidence the other day, too. I had been thinking of the anniversary of that day and think of that number often. I was driving home and for some reason was thinking of your phone number. I think it was because of another new number I got. Anyway, I just realized that the numbers for the date were the numbers from your phone number and it just hit me as one of those moments - I can't think of the word, but I think you know...just like how in the world we ever hooked up and had been thinking of each other around the same time after so long?
I feel like I blew it and I hope I didn't blow it forever. If so, then it must have been meant to happen, but for some other reason...like maybe just to get me in a different place so that something else good for me could happen. Believe me my situation now is no freaking picnic, but part of it is just my own emotions and mental coming to terms with everything happening to me at once and i have been a co-dependent person for so long I need to get emotionally healthy. I hope I can get to be the best I can be for you - if not for you, then for my next prince charming to come along that you helped prep and set me up for. I will never, never, never forget you or the love and the feelings you brought out in me that were buried so deep inside. I will also never forget the horrendous, worst soul-wrenching pain I ever felt afterward.
I love you forever and pray for you and think of you endlessly.
Me
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Monday, July 16, 2012
Loss for Words?
It is getting harder and harder to write things here to you. It is not at all because I don't think about you. I actually probably think deeper about you now. I just don't have a whole lot of hope in the situation. I mean, I know that there is still a chance. And I actually hope and pray for that even though I don't know if that is wrong...
I wish I actually knew if it was worth my time. I wish I knew if you could not stand me or if you hate my guts, or if you think you could not stand the way I look now. I know that I might not meet your expectations. I really need to know if you were disappointed in me. But maybe I don't need that heartache right at this exact moment. I have paid a lawyer to file for divorce finally. It has been many months since we are separated. It is still scary. I wish I would just get over it.
I am moving in 2 to 3 weeks. I wish so bad that you would come see me. I am scared to death of either you getting caught or of rejection. I think of so many things to say and do and send you but I am a complete chicken, or maybe I am just listening to an inner voice of reason! Who knows. I just know I can't continue with this pathetic burden for long. But, it has seen me through a horrible period in life (meaning just difficult - life always has it's good things so I'm not complaining). I just mean that the thought of you has helped me stay strong enough to get through this - at least I'm almost through it. I do wonder if I am going to sit and cry a lot when I am all by myself in my new city. I will have some friends, but they are mostly younger. I know I can have plenty of offers for casual encounters with men, too, but don't want that. It scares me. I have lived behind my little safety net and security blanket for 18 years and now that will all be gone.
Here is something I found on a horoscope posting today. I must say I did shed a tear(s) on the way into work this morning when thinking of you. I had the image of you that night asking me if I was disappointed, and also of a couple of other things that I can't mention here. I just felt so strongly and deeply that it brought me to tears. I miss you so much! I don't know if I will ever have that depth of emotion again ever.
Sagittarius: You may find it difficult to combine the practical needs of the day with the emotions that are welling up within you. Sadness and disappointments in your personal life could very well be likely during a time like this. Withdrawing from emotional social contact might be a good idea right now. Even when you are with others you still feel separate and alone. Use this time to be quiet and to look objectively at how your all of your relationships are going. It won’t take much to make you feel very sentimental. A note or gift from your love, or even a line of romantic poetry overheard could bring tears to your eyes. Though this may not a pleasurable time, this can be a beneficial period in which to learn more about love and what you truly value.
Now I am welling up tears again, but I am not going to let my mascara run! I read a little quote the other day that said something like "Don't shed a tear for anyone who will not be there to wipe it".
OK. And here is the bad thing. I sometimes hope and think that the only way would be for wwe to find someone else. Isn't that awful and selfish? I hate to admit it. But, you are the one person who I felt that I could be completely honest with. So, why lie? I am hoping she will find someone to run off with and you and I can live happily ever after! HaHa. I know it probably won't happen, but here is what Aries said today (which I think she is Aries and can't remember why):
Aries: Small, persistent messages through normal lines of communication can mount up to a bigger picture in a relationship, so listen well. You might want to consider being a little more forth coming with your feelings today. That someone who has captivated you on more than one occasion deserves to know you want so much more from him or her. There is no grand scheme, no master plan; you go into this letting your heart guide you rather your mind. Don’t try to understand it all at once, just let the pieces of the puzzle put themselves together until everything is clear. There is nothing to hide, with a little patience in yourself; you will be able to pull this off without sounding like a love struck teenager.
Anyway, gotta go. I am going house/apartment hunting out of town later in the week. One day I might do something awful, too.
I love and miss you more than you can ever know. I wish I could hold you tight right now and that you would look into my eyes and give me the most passionate kiss ever. I promise I would not ever let you down and would always be by your side as long as you were beside mine. I hope that God knows and understand me and my weaknesses and my desires. I hope they are not wrong. They are just feelings and emotions that I just have and can't explain. I know that I am not as close to God and Christ and as spiritually in tune as I have been in the past, but maybe I am just going through one of those "seasons". I hope I am not forever lost.
I love you soul mate.
Me
I wish I actually knew if it was worth my time. I wish I knew if you could not stand me or if you hate my guts, or if you think you could not stand the way I look now. I know that I might not meet your expectations. I really need to know if you were disappointed in me. But maybe I don't need that heartache right at this exact moment. I have paid a lawyer to file for divorce finally. It has been many months since we are separated. It is still scary. I wish I would just get over it.
I am moving in 2 to 3 weeks. I wish so bad that you would come see me. I am scared to death of either you getting caught or of rejection. I think of so many things to say and do and send you but I am a complete chicken, or maybe I am just listening to an inner voice of reason! Who knows. I just know I can't continue with this pathetic burden for long. But, it has seen me through a horrible period in life (meaning just difficult - life always has it's good things so I'm not complaining). I just mean that the thought of you has helped me stay strong enough to get through this - at least I'm almost through it. I do wonder if I am going to sit and cry a lot when I am all by myself in my new city. I will have some friends, but they are mostly younger. I know I can have plenty of offers for casual encounters with men, too, but don't want that. It scares me. I have lived behind my little safety net and security blanket for 18 years and now that will all be gone.
Here is something I found on a horoscope posting today. I must say I did shed a tear(s) on the way into work this morning when thinking of you. I had the image of you that night asking me if I was disappointed, and also of a couple of other things that I can't mention here. I just felt so strongly and deeply that it brought me to tears. I miss you so much! I don't know if I will ever have that depth of emotion again ever.
Sagittarius: You may find it difficult to combine the practical needs of the day with the emotions that are welling up within you. Sadness and disappointments in your personal life could very well be likely during a time like this. Withdrawing from emotional social contact might be a good idea right now. Even when you are with others you still feel separate and alone. Use this time to be quiet and to look objectively at how your all of your relationships are going. It won’t take much to make you feel very sentimental. A note or gift from your love, or even a line of romantic poetry overheard could bring tears to your eyes. Though this may not a pleasurable time, this can be a beneficial period in which to learn more about love and what you truly value.
Now I am welling up tears again, but I am not going to let my mascara run! I read a little quote the other day that said something like "Don't shed a tear for anyone who will not be there to wipe it".
OK. And here is the bad thing. I sometimes hope and think that the only way would be for wwe to find someone else. Isn't that awful and selfish? I hate to admit it. But, you are the one person who I felt that I could be completely honest with. So, why lie? I am hoping she will find someone to run off with and you and I can live happily ever after! HaHa. I know it probably won't happen, but here is what Aries said today (which I think she is Aries and can't remember why):
Aries: Small, persistent messages through normal lines of communication can mount up to a bigger picture in a relationship, so listen well. You might want to consider being a little more forth coming with your feelings today. That someone who has captivated you on more than one occasion deserves to know you want so much more from him or her. There is no grand scheme, no master plan; you go into this letting your heart guide you rather your mind. Don’t try to understand it all at once, just let the pieces of the puzzle put themselves together until everything is clear. There is nothing to hide, with a little patience in yourself; you will be able to pull this off without sounding like a love struck teenager.
Anyway, gotta go. I am going house/apartment hunting out of town later in the week. One day I might do something awful, too.
I love and miss you more than you can ever know. I wish I could hold you tight right now and that you would look into my eyes and give me the most passionate kiss ever. I promise I would not ever let you down and would always be by your side as long as you were beside mine. I hope that God knows and understand me and my weaknesses and my desires. I hope they are not wrong. They are just feelings and emotions that I just have and can't explain. I know that I am not as close to God and Christ and as spiritually in tune as I have been in the past, but maybe I am just going through one of those "seasons". I hope I am not forever lost.
I love you soul mate.
Me
Friday, July 6, 2012
Why So Strong?
Why are these feelings so strong? Why can't they go away?
OK. Here is a weird thought. I have wanted to go to the Daughtry concert at PNC park after the pirates game for months, since when I first heard/read about it. Now I don't know if I can get tickets or not, or if I feel like spending the money on a hotel or not. I wish I had gotten my money already, but it won't be until Wednesday. Something tells me I should go, but I would feel weird going alone so I probably won't. I wish my friend would go with me, but it's kind of last minute notice and she would have to meet me there. I also have another offer to go to Orlando and disneyworld. I might do that.
I swear I will see you one day, though. It has to be.
I will tell you what the first "hit me" moment of today was, or at least what the strongest moment that stands out it my mind was...I was sorting my e-mails by sender so that I could find a document sent to me by an HR or payroll girl who sent me something else. So I clicked on today's e-mail from her name which was Yasmin Lopez with last name first, so Lopez, Yasmin. Then I searched by sender to get the other one I knew she sent me recently to come up easily. I got it and worked with the document. Then next time I looked up at my screen, guess who's name/e-mail I saw several times in a row! You know who from the very first interchange. It cuts like a knife. It brings back memories of that time I played the BBM sound in the car and just about died it hurt so bad. The BBM noise was actually worse - not sure if it was because it was more close to the time or what...
Anyway, that was my John Madden dagger of the day. That's just a strange line that came to mind.
Oh well, I have "met" some interesting people online. Mostly just follow them and they are hilarious. I have also signed up online but am probably about to take it down.
You are the only one I want, but I'm not going to let that hold me back from experiencing life to the fullest.
Well, I love you forever and I sure hope that you are not going to be at that ball game. I had originally planned to buy 3 tickets and send two to you hoping you would bring one of the boys with you and have a big surprise. I know stupid crazy thoughts I have.
Gotta go, it's really late to still be at the office.
Love across the universe to my soul mate. Oh! That reminds me. I was reading one guys profile today (this can be dagger # 2, but it was much gentler). Anyway he said something about meeting someone you could share your soul with and it just hit me with such gravity and of course immediately brought you to mind. I got goosebumps when I thought and imagined all of the things that implied.
OK. Now bye for real. Do I really have to keep living without you?
Me
OK. Here is a weird thought. I have wanted to go to the Daughtry concert at PNC park after the pirates game for months, since when I first heard/read about it. Now I don't know if I can get tickets or not, or if I feel like spending the money on a hotel or not. I wish I had gotten my money already, but it won't be until Wednesday. Something tells me I should go, but I would feel weird going alone so I probably won't. I wish my friend would go with me, but it's kind of last minute notice and she would have to meet me there. I also have another offer to go to Orlando and disneyworld. I might do that.
I swear I will see you one day, though. It has to be.
I will tell you what the first "hit me" moment of today was, or at least what the strongest moment that stands out it my mind was...I was sorting my e-mails by sender so that I could find a document sent to me by an HR or payroll girl who sent me something else. So I clicked on today's e-mail from her name which was Yasmin Lopez with last name first, so Lopez, Yasmin. Then I searched by sender to get the other one I knew she sent me recently to come up easily. I got it and worked with the document. Then next time I looked up at my screen, guess who's name/e-mail I saw several times in a row! You know who from the very first interchange. It cuts like a knife. It brings back memories of that time I played the BBM sound in the car and just about died it hurt so bad. The BBM noise was actually worse - not sure if it was because it was more close to the time or what...
Anyway, that was my John Madden dagger of the day. That's just a strange line that came to mind.
Oh well, I have "met" some interesting people online. Mostly just follow them and they are hilarious. I have also signed up online but am probably about to take it down.
You are the only one I want, but I'm not going to let that hold me back from experiencing life to the fullest.
Well, I love you forever and I sure hope that you are not going to be at that ball game. I had originally planned to buy 3 tickets and send two to you hoping you would bring one of the boys with you and have a big surprise. I know stupid crazy thoughts I have.
Gotta go, it's really late to still be at the office.
Love across the universe to my soul mate. Oh! That reminds me. I was reading one guys profile today (this can be dagger # 2, but it was much gentler). Anyway he said something about meeting someone you could share your soul with and it just hit me with such gravity and of course immediately brought you to mind. I got goosebumps when I thought and imagined all of the things that implied.
OK. Now bye for real. Do I really have to keep living without you?
Me
Thursday, July 5, 2012
tears
It's getting harder and harder to actually write down something. It just hurt to push the button to write a new post. I really have been feeling a lot of pain and longing for you in my heart. Tears well up almost every time I think too deeply about you. I still think about you constantly. I sometimes wish it would go away. I am actually trying to start looking to meet someone else and get my hopes up that I will meet someone nice and good for me.
But then, I think how could I ever really want anyone but you? I feel like no one can ever touch my soul as deeply as you did and I'm scared that I don't have enough to offer to someone if my heart and soul still belong to you. I hope that one day I will be able to "settle" this with you. Maybe I just need to get it out. I don't know. Maybe it is just my guilt or punishment. I hope you are doing good. I hope you are healthy and happy. I imagine seeing you and being with you and seeing you doing things with your kids and making them happy. When I imagine that, then I am actually happy for you. I can't imagine any other way for you than being able to be the great dad that you are. I should not have trifled with that and I'm sorry.
I am struggling with A LOT of things now. I feel like I am kind of drifting. I mean, I know that I can go on and be successful. I worry a little about my health and that future, but I am doing pretty good on it. I eat a lot healthier, not that I was ever too bad. I am exercising more, although once I get settled I can find a better routine.
I MISS YOU SO MUCH! It hurts. I thought of you last night on the way home from 4th of July get together with my sister and bro-in-law side of family. I mean, it's not like I don't think of you all day every day, but that was just the silent, private moment that sticks out it my mind because it just hit me really hard in a sad kind of way and I was getting tears and feeling so much that I needed you and wanted you to hold me.
I hope I am not a terrible person for feeling this and thinking this. And I think I am trying to go and get over it, but I don't want to in most ways if there is ever a chance. That's why I think I really need to know the truth of if you even really wanted me after that day or if you were glad everything fell apart. I hope not even if it is your feeling now. I hope you did not just judge me on my appearance one time since I know it was pretty bad. I understand if you have now "grown" away from your feelings for me, but just hope that they were still there.
I think that one day I will not be able to refrain from talking to you. I wish you would hold up my wish/request and talk to me since I have done pretty well holding up/meeting your request to not contact you. But all's fair in love and war?
I do hope everyone is okay. I wanted really bad to send you something a week or two ago and didn't. I'm so afraid of being found out, or of you being questioned, or of you being mad that I would do it. But one day maybe I will say WTF and who cares what you think and just be selfish and take care of my damn self because no one else is. I sat and deferred to someone for 18 years and it got me nowhere. I'm not going to let this drag me down no matter what. I have tried to honor you and respect you mostly because I still love you with all of my heart, but also out of dignity and courtesy. But one day...I don't know if all that will go out the window. It's hard to judge. Mostly I still think you were good, but if I was wrong and IF you really are/were an A-hole, I don't mind kicking your butt. Maybe you deserve it.
OK. At least I am getting this out. I think it helps.
Love always and oh - these quotes hit it on the head in this video.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fhFadSF2vrM&list=LLlUH6-6sm2aE7W0LAA2PLog&feature=mh_lolz
bye friend!
Me
But then, I think how could I ever really want anyone but you? I feel like no one can ever touch my soul as deeply as you did and I'm scared that I don't have enough to offer to someone if my heart and soul still belong to you. I hope that one day I will be able to "settle" this with you. Maybe I just need to get it out. I don't know. Maybe it is just my guilt or punishment. I hope you are doing good. I hope you are healthy and happy. I imagine seeing you and being with you and seeing you doing things with your kids and making them happy. When I imagine that, then I am actually happy for you. I can't imagine any other way for you than being able to be the great dad that you are. I should not have trifled with that and I'm sorry.
I am struggling with A LOT of things now. I feel like I am kind of drifting. I mean, I know that I can go on and be successful. I worry a little about my health and that future, but I am doing pretty good on it. I eat a lot healthier, not that I was ever too bad. I am exercising more, although once I get settled I can find a better routine.
I MISS YOU SO MUCH! It hurts. I thought of you last night on the way home from 4th of July get together with my sister and bro-in-law side of family. I mean, it's not like I don't think of you all day every day, but that was just the silent, private moment that sticks out it my mind because it just hit me really hard in a sad kind of way and I was getting tears and feeling so much that I needed you and wanted you to hold me.
I hope I am not a terrible person for feeling this and thinking this. And I think I am trying to go and get over it, but I don't want to in most ways if there is ever a chance. That's why I think I really need to know the truth of if you even really wanted me after that day or if you were glad everything fell apart. I hope not even if it is your feeling now. I hope you did not just judge me on my appearance one time since I know it was pretty bad. I understand if you have now "grown" away from your feelings for me, but just hope that they were still there.
I think that one day I will not be able to refrain from talking to you. I wish you would hold up my wish/request and talk to me since I have done pretty well holding up/meeting your request to not contact you. But all's fair in love and war?
I do hope everyone is okay. I wanted really bad to send you something a week or two ago and didn't. I'm so afraid of being found out, or of you being questioned, or of you being mad that I would do it. But one day maybe I will say WTF and who cares what you think and just be selfish and take care of my damn self because no one else is. I sat and deferred to someone for 18 years and it got me nowhere. I'm not going to let this drag me down no matter what. I have tried to honor you and respect you mostly because I still love you with all of my heart, but also out of dignity and courtesy. But one day...I don't know if all that will go out the window. It's hard to judge. Mostly I still think you were good, but if I was wrong and IF you really are/were an A-hole, I don't mind kicking your butt. Maybe you deserve it.
OK. At least I am getting this out. I think it helps.
Love always and oh - these quotes hit it on the head in this video.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fhFadSF2vrM&list=LLlUH6-6sm2aE7W0LAA2PLog&feature=mh_lolz
bye friend!
Me
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