I feel like I need you so much right now! I wish so bad that you could hold me, or even just advise me on some of my big issues. Anyway, I keep feeling a sense of dread and have begun to lose hope that I will ever get to have what I want. Maybe what I want is wrong, but it still hurts so much!
It also has been brought to my mind (just this morning the thought came to me when I had one of those pangs of wishing to talk to you and for you to rescue me!) that maybe I need this time alone to really learn what I need to learn to be the best I can be for you. Maybe I'm not ready or prepared. All I can do is dream of you and me (I) being together one day. If that day comes I want it to be perfect, or as close to it as possible. That being said, I know that I have a lot to learn about being a woman and about being more organized. I wish so bad that I had not lived in the terrible mental/emotional situation that I lived in for so long. It is still not easy getting away from it, but I think I will be strong. I have always worried about him and I still do - that is crazy, I know!
Anyway, he has been getting online and getting all kinds of friends and looking for women. It just reminds me of how really insecure I feel at times. I begin to get so scared that I am going to be alone forever, or that I will be weak and fall into some kind of relationship that is really not proper and not what I really want. I mean, I'm not closed to the thought and fact that there may be someone out there for me that is not you - even though I want in my heart and with all my existence for it to be you. I'm afraid that maybe one day you will call and want me and need me and I don't want to have messed anything up. But, I also realize that that kind of thinking is what has held me in this bullcrap for way too long! I kept thinking that the minute I was done with him and gave up on my hopes and dreams and idealism, that he would all of the sudden blossom into something great like the frog turning into the prince, but not for me. I'm really just getting sad remembering this feeling. But, still, I wonder...I question myself and what I am really worthy of and why things seem to be so hard for me. I was so devoted and tried with everything I had for so long! But maybe I was trying and being stubborn for the wrong things and for the wrong reasons.
As you can see, I am so confused! And that leads me to think that you wouldn't be able to stand such a confused person as me, anyway. So, I better get my act together!
Also, I'm not always thinking this or in this state of mind. I think things are just moving along and I am getting scared and stressed and worried. I know that so much is coming up in the world in times ahead. I want so bad to be on the right side with God, and I also want someone who will be with me and take care of me. I don't want to be alone.
I'm also scared that I am being punished or will be punished for what I have done. I hope you forgive me and I know I need to forgive myself.
I guess I really need to be relying on God, which in a way I am. I know that it is he who will bless me with what I need. I also know that a lot of blessings are predicated on obedience to laws/commandments. What if I don't qualify. You know, I actually can relate to that dang Hattie Durham sometimes! And then she just died a martyr in the last book I finished. I hope that is not my fate, but if it is I guess I will be strong by then.
This is really killing me. I feel like I am going to explode. I guess when I get moved, maybe I will have things to take my mind off it, but I don't really see that happening, as I will be by myself a lot.
Well, I will pray for you as I always do. I can only hope that you are praying for me at least every now and then. I hope you have not completely forgotten me.
Love in Christ, and more eternally,
Me
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Birthday Cake for You
This is for you...just saying...I want you to lick some frosting! Me too! Cake!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GdvkKUKIVTs&feature=related
Excuse the outburst, but...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GdvkKUKIVTs&feature=related
Excuse the outburst, but...
It's getting harder
It's getting harder to post on here because there are so many things that go through my mind all day that I want to say to you. I swear I need to talk to you one day! I don't think that I am obsessed, just that I need some answers and/or reconciliation/forgiveness - acknowledgement that I am not pathetic or what I may have come across as. I don't know the best word for it...maybe I will think of it. Anyway, things are a little crazy. I wake up lately with a little sense or feeling of dread, which makes me immediately cry out to God in my mind for help. I need his help to get through all of this!
I imagine seeing you and/or talking to you every day. Hardly a moment, probably for real not an hour goes by that I don't think of you. Maybe it is my guilt? My conscience? I don't know, but I still love you so much that it hurts. I have cried a few times in the last several days just thinking of you when I'm driving to or from work or wherever. I wonder over almost every decision I make what you would say or do or think. Maybe that is mental illness - I don't know. But I know that lately especially today, the thought keeps coming to me that I want to tell you that it is me who needs you to show me the way and lead me and give me strength. I mean, I can be strong and I think I know the way, but I want to be by your side with you and I in agreement and with you as my strength. I never felt as strong and happy as I did with you. You are amazing! I sure hope that you are doing well, having good health, being treated like the super great man that you are. I hope that the kids are enjoying every moment with you and that you have a really nice Father's Day. You truly seem to be one of the best fathers I know.
I am still sorry for any weakness or pain that I caused in your family. I do pray for the right thing to come of this. I know that I probably should not still have the feelings I have for you. And I really do wonder what you think of me. I want you to think good, but I guess that is out of my control for now. I want so bad to talk to you or get you a message somehow to let you know, but I am scared in two ways. 1) that it would put you in a bad position or cause trouble somehow; 2) that you have truly rejected me and don't ever want to hear from me again and would not even want to hear from me.
But what am I to do? I want to at least know if something happens to you. I want you to know that I love you and am cheering for you and have been inspired by you more than you'll ever know.
I also have those selfish thoughts of some of the most precious moments of my life (probably THE most precious except for moments with my children) that you gave me. It brings a coursing of emotion up through my heart and tears to my eyes just thinking of how strongly you made me feel, how alive you made me, how happy you made me. And how I thought that I was making you happy. I thought it was mutual. I just really want to know if it was or if I was just mistaken. I did learn and am still learning with some eye-opening experiences about how the male species is so different. I have been a little naive over the years I guess. Thinking and exalting men and expecting perfection and more out of them than is probably humanly possible. I think I am learning how to accept the reality of some of men's weaknesses and just try to go from there and learn to deal with them. Oh, how I wish that I could learn from you and with you everything I need to know. You did make me feel safe. I am so sorry that I was so nervous. It really was an out of character thing that I was doing. I hope one day you can see and know the real me. I am going to work on myself in a lot of ways to be the best I could possibly be for you. And then, if it's not you, I will be the best for whomever God decides. I can only hope.
God bless you for real! I cannot express enough my regrets for the situation I put us in. I love you in Christ and hope that your faith is growing and becoming stronger. I dare say I hope that one day you will want to find me and help me and help bring me to Christ since I have been a slight failure on my own. I actually do question my own ability and worthiness just like Hattie in the book. I am just about finished with the 8th book. The Mark.
Gotta go even though there is so much more to say. I love you through time and space and right into your comfy shorts - sorry, I just wrote what the thought led to - I am not right! I do want to be on your couch with you. I hope you have not replaced me, unless you have really found good ground with D, then I guess that is okay. But if you are going with other girls off of fb, or games, or Internet, then I am insulted that you would do so with them, but not find a way to talk to me. I actually would really like to know because it might just get me over this if that is the case. If you are just a player. I don't think you were with me - at least not at first, but you never know - if you already were playing around with that, I guess it would be easy for you to go back to. I just hope and pray not - since I have idolized you and put you on a pedestal. However, I do still know that you are male and human...dammit this is not fair that we cannot talk!
OK. Bye now! This has been a rambler!
Me
I imagine seeing you and/or talking to you every day. Hardly a moment, probably for real not an hour goes by that I don't think of you. Maybe it is my guilt? My conscience? I don't know, but I still love you so much that it hurts. I have cried a few times in the last several days just thinking of you when I'm driving to or from work or wherever. I wonder over almost every decision I make what you would say or do or think. Maybe that is mental illness - I don't know. But I know that lately especially today, the thought keeps coming to me that I want to tell you that it is me who needs you to show me the way and lead me and give me strength. I mean, I can be strong and I think I know the way, but I want to be by your side with you and I in agreement and with you as my strength. I never felt as strong and happy as I did with you. You are amazing! I sure hope that you are doing well, having good health, being treated like the super great man that you are. I hope that the kids are enjoying every moment with you and that you have a really nice Father's Day. You truly seem to be one of the best fathers I know.
I am still sorry for any weakness or pain that I caused in your family. I do pray for the right thing to come of this. I know that I probably should not still have the feelings I have for you. And I really do wonder what you think of me. I want you to think good, but I guess that is out of my control for now. I want so bad to talk to you or get you a message somehow to let you know, but I am scared in two ways. 1) that it would put you in a bad position or cause trouble somehow; 2) that you have truly rejected me and don't ever want to hear from me again and would not even want to hear from me.
But what am I to do? I want to at least know if something happens to you. I want you to know that I love you and am cheering for you and have been inspired by you more than you'll ever know.
I also have those selfish thoughts of some of the most precious moments of my life (probably THE most precious except for moments with my children) that you gave me. It brings a coursing of emotion up through my heart and tears to my eyes just thinking of how strongly you made me feel, how alive you made me, how happy you made me. And how I thought that I was making you happy. I thought it was mutual. I just really want to know if it was or if I was just mistaken. I did learn and am still learning with some eye-opening experiences about how the male species is so different. I have been a little naive over the years I guess. Thinking and exalting men and expecting perfection and more out of them than is probably humanly possible. I think I am learning how to accept the reality of some of men's weaknesses and just try to go from there and learn to deal with them. Oh, how I wish that I could learn from you and with you everything I need to know. You did make me feel safe. I am so sorry that I was so nervous. It really was an out of character thing that I was doing. I hope one day you can see and know the real me. I am going to work on myself in a lot of ways to be the best I could possibly be for you. And then, if it's not you, I will be the best for whomever God decides. I can only hope.
God bless you for real! I cannot express enough my regrets for the situation I put us in. I love you in Christ and hope that your faith is growing and becoming stronger. I dare say I hope that one day you will want to find me and help me and help bring me to Christ since I have been a slight failure on my own. I actually do question my own ability and worthiness just like Hattie in the book. I am just about finished with the 8th book. The Mark.
Gotta go even though there is so much more to say. I love you through time and space and right into your comfy shorts - sorry, I just wrote what the thought led to - I am not right! I do want to be on your couch with you. I hope you have not replaced me, unless you have really found good ground with D, then I guess that is okay. But if you are going with other girls off of fb, or games, or Internet, then I am insulted that you would do so with them, but not find a way to talk to me. I actually would really like to know because it might just get me over this if that is the case. If you are just a player. I don't think you were with me - at least not at first, but you never know - if you already were playing around with that, I guess it would be easy for you to go back to. I just hope and pray not - since I have idolized you and put you on a pedestal. However, I do still know that you are male and human...dammit this is not fair that we cannot talk!
OK. Bye now! This has been a rambler!
Me
Friday, June 1, 2012
Frustrated Again
Well, it may have something to do with my staying up too late, but I am just frustrated again, thinking the negative self-talk stuff about your feelings for me. It may be reality, but oh well. I am up in the middle of the night and just bought more lingerie/underthings online! I think I have a new addiction. I went from shoes to the lingerie/bras, etc...
Bad and can get expensive. But they had a sale and I told myself I will return 2 things I just paid full price for 2 weeks ago!
Well, I'm going to try and sleep!
I love you and happy flood day belated!
Me
P.S. I want to own it! (not saying what just in case - and I'm actually thinking of 2 different things, the one led to the other and the first one was most innocent)! :) happy happy happy face <3 and heart!
Bad and can get expensive. But they had a sale and I told myself I will return 2 things I just paid full price for 2 weeks ago!
Well, I'm going to try and sleep!
I love you and happy flood day belated!
Me
P.S. I want to own it! (not saying what just in case - and I'm actually thinking of 2 different things, the one led to the other and the first one was most innocent)! :) happy happy happy face <3 and heart!
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