It's getting harder

It's getting harder to post on here because there are so many things that go through my mind all day that I want to say to you. I swear I need to talk to you one day! I don't think that I am obsessed, just that I need some answers and/or reconciliation/forgiveness - acknowledgement that I am not pathetic or what I may have come across as. I don't know the best word for it...maybe I will think of it. Anyway, things are a little crazy. I wake up lately with a little sense or feeling of dread, which makes me immediately cry out to God in my mind for help. I need his help to get through all of this!

I imagine seeing you and/or talking to you every day. Hardly a moment, probably for real not an hour goes by that I don't think of you. Maybe it is my guilt? My conscience? I don't know, but I still love you so much that it hurts. I have cried a few times in the last several days just thinking of you when I'm driving to or from work or wherever. I wonder over almost every decision I make what you would say or do or think. Maybe that is mental illness - I don't know. But I know that lately especially today, the thought keeps coming to me that I want to tell you that it is me who needs you to show me the way and lead me and give me strength. I mean, I can be strong and I think I know the way, but I want to be by your side with you and I in agreement and with you as my strength. I never felt as strong and happy as I did with you. You are amazing! I sure hope that you are doing well, having good health, being treated like the super great man that you are. I hope that the kids are enjoying every moment with you and that you have a really nice Father's Day. You truly seem to be one of the best fathers I know.

I am still sorry for any weakness or pain that I caused in your family. I do pray for the right thing to come of this. I know that I probably should not still have the feelings I have for you. And I really do wonder what you think of me. I want you to think good, but I guess that is out of my control for now. I want so bad to talk to you or get you a message somehow to let you know, but I am scared in two ways. 1) that it would put you in a bad position or cause trouble somehow; 2) that you have truly rejected me and don't ever want to hear from me again and would not even want to hear from me.

But what am I to do? I want to at least know if something happens to you. I want you to know that I love you and am cheering for you and have been inspired by you more than you'll ever know.

I also have those selfish thoughts of some of the most precious moments of my life (probably THE most precious except for moments with my children) that you gave me. It brings a coursing of emotion up through my heart and tears to my eyes just thinking of how strongly you made me feel, how alive you made me, how happy you made me. And how I thought that I was making you happy. I thought it was mutual. I just really want to know if it was or if I was just mistaken. I did learn and am still learning with some eye-opening experiences about how the male species is so different. I have been a little naive over the years I guess. Thinking and exalting men and expecting perfection and more out of them than is probably humanly possible. I think I am learning how to accept the reality of some of men's weaknesses and just try to go from there and learn to deal with them. Oh, how I wish that I could learn from you and with you everything I need to know. You did make me feel safe. I am so sorry that I was so nervous. It really was an out of character thing that I was doing. I hope one day you can see and know the real me. I am going to work on myself in a lot of ways to be the best I could possibly be for you. And then, if it's not you, I will be the best for whomever God decides. I can only hope.

God bless you for real! I cannot express enough my regrets for the situation I put us in. I love you in Christ and hope that your faith is growing and becoming stronger. I dare say I hope that one day you will want to find me and help me and help bring me to Christ since I have been a slight failure on my own. I actually do question my own ability and worthiness just like Hattie in the book. I am just about finished with the 8th book. The Mark.

Gotta go even though there is so much more to say. I love you through time and space and right into your comfy shorts - sorry, I just wrote what the thought led to - I am not right! I do want to be on your couch with you. I hope you have not replaced me, unless you have really found good ground with D, then I guess that is okay. But if you are going with other girls off of fb, or games, or Internet, then I am insulted that you would do so with them, but not find a way to talk to me. I actually would really like to know because it might just get me over this if that is the case. If you are just a player. I don't think you were with me - at least not at first, but you never know - if you already were playing around with that, I guess it would be easy for you to go back to. I just hope and pray not - since I have idolized you and put you on a pedestal. However, I do still know that you are male and human...dammit this is not fair that we cannot talk!

OK. Bye now! This has been a rambler!
Me