tears

It's getting harder and harder to actually write down something. It just hurt to push the button to write a new post. I really have been feeling a lot of pain and longing for you in my heart. Tears well up almost every time I think too deeply about you. I still think about you constantly. I sometimes wish it would go away. I am actually trying to start looking to meet someone else and get my hopes up that I will meet someone nice and good for me.

But then, I think how could I ever really want anyone but you? I feel like no one can ever touch my soul as deeply as you did and I'm scared that I don't have enough to offer to someone if my heart and soul still belong to you. I hope that one day I will be able to "settle" this with you. Maybe I just need to get it out. I don't know. Maybe it is just my guilt or punishment. I hope you are doing good. I hope you are healthy and happy. I imagine seeing you and being with you and seeing you doing things with your kids and making them happy. When I imagine that, then I am actually happy for you. I can't imagine any other way for you than being able to be the great dad that you are. I should not have trifled with that and I'm sorry.

I am struggling with A LOT of things now. I feel like I am kind of drifting. I mean, I know that I can go on and be successful. I worry a little about my health and that future, but I am doing pretty good on it. I eat a lot healthier, not that I was ever too bad. I am exercising more, although once I get settled I can find a better routine.

I MISS YOU SO MUCH! It hurts. I thought of you last night on the way home from 4th of July get together with my sister and bro-in-law side of family. I mean, it's not like I don't think of you all day every day, but that was just the silent, private moment that sticks out it my mind because it just hit me really hard in a sad kind of way and I was getting tears and feeling so much that I needed you and wanted you to hold me.

I hope I am not a terrible person for feeling this and thinking this. And I think I am trying to go and get over it, but I don't want to in most ways if there is ever a chance. That's why I think I really need to know the truth of if you even really wanted me after that day or if you were glad everything fell apart. I hope not even if it is your feeling now. I hope you did not just judge me on my appearance one time since I know it was pretty bad. I understand if you have now "grown" away from your feelings for me, but just hope that they were still there.

I think that one day I will not be able to refrain from talking to you. I wish you would hold up my wish/request and talk to me since I have done pretty well holding up/meeting your request to not contact you. But all's fair in love and war?

I do hope everyone is okay. I wanted really bad to send you something a week or two ago and didn't. I'm so afraid of being found out, or of you being questioned, or of you being mad that I would do it.  But one day maybe I will say WTF and who cares what you think and just be selfish and take care of my damn self because no one else is. I sat and deferred to someone for 18 years and it got me nowhere. I'm not going to let this drag me down no matter what. I have tried to honor you and respect you mostly because I still love you with all of my heart, but also out of dignity and courtesy.  But one day...I don't know if all that will go out the window. It's hard to judge. Mostly I still think you were good, but if I was wrong and IF you really are/were an A-hole, I don't mind kicking your butt. Maybe you deserve it.

OK. At least I am getting this out. I think it helps.

Love always and oh - these quotes hit it on the head in this video.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fhFadSF2vrM&list=LLlUH6-6sm2aE7W0LAA2PLog&feature=mh_lolz

bye friend!
Me