I am just really frustrated today and feeling down. Maybe it's that time of the month, or reality is setting in...who knows? Plus I'm just sleeping on a mattress on the floor at my sister's with A on a small one next to me. We have not gotten a bed yet from the house. I really want my home back!
But what really made me sad earlier was just thinking of you and how you probably have plenty of other girls to play your games with that you are talking to on facebook or however. I'm jealous and I'm embarrassed, too. I'm embarrassed if I was just one of many and I fell so completely for you. I wish so bad that you would man up and talk to me. And I know that sounds harsh and I wouldn't say it except that it is what went through my head so why not. I actually know that you are a man, though, and calling you names is very childish and very not what I want and feel about you. I really just want you to hold me and love me and if you can't do it yet, I at least wish you would long for me like I long for you. I read some stupid horoscope thing, too, today that said something about a Sagittarius can walk away quickly if it was the other person who ended it (something along those lines), but if it was their fault, they mourn forever. I hope that is not the case here...I hope I will not just be mourning forever because it was my fault. And maybe it was easy for you to walk away since I caused it. Ugh, it makes me sick though to think that it was easy for you...although I really don't want you to suffer either, so I guess I just have a conflict inside.
I also really keep regretting that I didn't dress up or really show you a better side. I was trying to just be plain and real like I thought you wanted. When actually I should have shown you my best side and my best tricks (haha) which is also real. I know I probably blew it and I keep regretting and am re-living in my mind over and over what I could have done differently.
Anyway, I thought about you ALL DAY LONG yesterday, and all during church. What the heck is wrong with me...I don't know? I can only pray that at least you will call one day, or when I finally give up on my resolve to keep my promise to honor your wish and I try to talk to you that you will talk to me without the coldness I heard in your voice the last time I heard it. I am also almost at the very end of the 1st Left Behind book. It's really good, but of course it just makes me think of you constantly.
Your hopelessly devoted idiot,
Me
Monday, February 27, 2012
Friday, February 24, 2012
What to say? Randomness...
Way to much has been happening to really keep up. And I know that one day someone might read this. I randomly just let my thoughts roll right out onto this page and it may not be the best thing, but throughout each day I think of so many things that I wish I could say to you or tell you or share with you. It builds up sometimes and I just want to let it spill out. This may just be therapeutic for me, or who knows what?
Anyway, I had some good news yesterday. I do not have to go through chemo treatments because of the test results showing a low probability of recurrence over 10 years. Now I can get my hair done which I have not done since the end of October! I figured why waste a lot of money on it if it was going to fall out?
I just can't tell you how much I miss you and I try not to think about it too much or too deeply. I think the worst thing is just wondering if you miss me at all, and wondering if you will ever want to talk to me again. I probably should not do this to myself, but I just cannot get you out of my mind.
I have made a big leap of faith this week. We had to leave the house on Monday because of a very bad scene at home in the middle of the night Sunday/Monday. A and I packed some clothes up and were ready to run out of there around 1:00 or so in the morning, but the situation calmed down a bit and so we slept a little and then packed up a bunch of stuff on Monday morning and carried it off to a friend's and a relative's house. We have been staying with that relative since Monday night - 4 nights now. Let me tell you it is not easy, especially when you are a person who is in the habit of just "fixing" everything for so long. And I think you know how it is to see the good in someone over the bad. I'm just that way. But I am being strong, and I think all of this will turn out okay, and I hope I am doing the right thing. I think so, and really try and look back on the moments when I KNEW it was the thing to do. I have to believe that God will lead me when my intentions are good and he knows that I have faith. He knows me better than I know myself and knows what I need. Anyway, I am temporarily staying away until another week or so unless I can get him to leave permanently. He is cooperating on some things lately. It is super hard, but I think I can do it.
I do pray for you. It is hard to think too deeply because I often cry and feel such a loss to not have your warmth and love and your mind and heart. I truly ache for you at times. I almost feel ridiculous because I don't know if I've ever felt quite this way. I mean I have felt some unbelievable emotional/spiritual pain in the past that I sometimes wonder how I ever got through it (and went back for more like an idiot!). But this is different. Maybe because there is no resolution, no finality, no answer...I am left with hope and no bird in the hand. HAHA -Don't ask where that crazy thought came from - but it just popped into my head and I don't have a filter too often. I think I must like making a fool out of myself sometimes - or at least I like to be silly!
So, I have been trying to be more cautious on the road with the roller coaster. It makes me think of you every time, and I used to totally love it and go over with a big woo hoo! Now my truck is getting very "creaky" and so I am having to tame myself so I don't tear the vehicle up! Also, it is just not as fun of a moment anymore when I can't share it with you. Life is not as fun anymore without you to share it with. I hope if you ever read this you will understand what I mean by that and not think I'm stupid. But actually, I wonder if I would be embarrassed for you to read this? Just as I ask myself that question, I think that if you are really the person I believed you to be then the answer would be no - I would not be embarrassed because I could totally be myself with you and you would love me for who I am. I could be wrong and maybe I will find out one day and maybe I won't. I hope I will at least find out someday.
I have read more in the Left Behind book. I am still interested to find out exactly what happens to Hattie and what kind of person she is. I hope it doesn't end up being bad. Even though I saw the film years ago, I don't remember anything about her character.
The election/primaries are pretty dang crazy lately! It really just kind of drives me nuts so it might be a good thing that I don't get to pay that much attention to it lately. I sure wonder how you feel and think about it often. You have a really great mind that I loved "listening" to. How did I ever let you get away? I know you might not be as perfect as I had imagined, but really - who is?
I do hope that you are having fun and being yourself and enjoying life. I imagine you are with those kids - you can hardly help but be happy with little young, innocent, joyful hearts around you to cheer you up and keep you young at heart. I will probably be glad to have grand kids when the day finally comes. I hope all of the kids are doing well and staying healthy and loving Dad. They are really blessed! I wish my kids could have had a dad like you! I know...God has a plan.
Well, gotta go now...back to the hum drum...waiting for eternity.
I love you more than you will probably ever know,
Me
Anyway, I had some good news yesterday. I do not have to go through chemo treatments because of the test results showing a low probability of recurrence over 10 years. Now I can get my hair done which I have not done since the end of October! I figured why waste a lot of money on it if it was going to fall out?
I just can't tell you how much I miss you and I try not to think about it too much or too deeply. I think the worst thing is just wondering if you miss me at all, and wondering if you will ever want to talk to me again. I probably should not do this to myself, but I just cannot get you out of my mind.
I have made a big leap of faith this week. We had to leave the house on Monday because of a very bad scene at home in the middle of the night Sunday/Monday. A and I packed some clothes up and were ready to run out of there around 1:00 or so in the morning, but the situation calmed down a bit and so we slept a little and then packed up a bunch of stuff on Monday morning and carried it off to a friend's and a relative's house. We have been staying with that relative since Monday night - 4 nights now. Let me tell you it is not easy, especially when you are a person who is in the habit of just "fixing" everything for so long. And I think you know how it is to see the good in someone over the bad. I'm just that way. But I am being strong, and I think all of this will turn out okay, and I hope I am doing the right thing. I think so, and really try and look back on the moments when I KNEW it was the thing to do. I have to believe that God will lead me when my intentions are good and he knows that I have faith. He knows me better than I know myself and knows what I need. Anyway, I am temporarily staying away until another week or so unless I can get him to leave permanently. He is cooperating on some things lately. It is super hard, but I think I can do it.
I do pray for you. It is hard to think too deeply because I often cry and feel such a loss to not have your warmth and love and your mind and heart. I truly ache for you at times. I almost feel ridiculous because I don't know if I've ever felt quite this way. I mean I have felt some unbelievable emotional/spiritual pain in the past that I sometimes wonder how I ever got through it (and went back for more like an idiot!). But this is different. Maybe because there is no resolution, no finality, no answer...I am left with hope and no bird in the hand. HAHA -Don't ask where that crazy thought came from - but it just popped into my head and I don't have a filter too often. I think I must like making a fool out of myself sometimes - or at least I like to be silly!
So, I have been trying to be more cautious on the road with the roller coaster. It makes me think of you every time, and I used to totally love it and go over with a big woo hoo! Now my truck is getting very "creaky" and so I am having to tame myself so I don't tear the vehicle up! Also, it is just not as fun of a moment anymore when I can't share it with you. Life is not as fun anymore without you to share it with. I hope if you ever read this you will understand what I mean by that and not think I'm stupid. But actually, I wonder if I would be embarrassed for you to read this? Just as I ask myself that question, I think that if you are really the person I believed you to be then the answer would be no - I would not be embarrassed because I could totally be myself with you and you would love me for who I am. I could be wrong and maybe I will find out one day and maybe I won't. I hope I will at least find out someday.
I have read more in the Left Behind book. I am still interested to find out exactly what happens to Hattie and what kind of person she is. I hope it doesn't end up being bad. Even though I saw the film years ago, I don't remember anything about her character.
The election/primaries are pretty dang crazy lately! It really just kind of drives me nuts so it might be a good thing that I don't get to pay that much attention to it lately. I sure wonder how you feel and think about it often. You have a really great mind that I loved "listening" to. How did I ever let you get away? I know you might not be as perfect as I had imagined, but really - who is?
I do hope that you are having fun and being yourself and enjoying life. I imagine you are with those kids - you can hardly help but be happy with little young, innocent, joyful hearts around you to cheer you up and keep you young at heart. I will probably be glad to have grand kids when the day finally comes. I hope all of the kids are doing well and staying healthy and loving Dad. They are really blessed! I wish my kids could have had a dad like you! I know...God has a plan.
Well, gotta go now...back to the hum drum...waiting for eternity.
I love you more than you will probably ever know,
Me
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Bueller? Bueller?
I watched Ferris Bueller's Day Off with A last night. She's been wanting me to. We had fun, and of course I kept thinking of you throughout it. I really hope that you are doing good and are happy. The last thing I want to happen is for you to be miserable because of me. I'm sorry even though I tried at first. I guess I should have just been patient and held out on my feelings and just buried them for the sake of doing what's right. I have a feeling that you are doing just fine. I just can't help but wish that you are longing for me like I long for you even though that is rather selfish and it's not what my head wishes since I know you would not be happy, but it is what my heart and soul and body wish. Well, now I am making myself cry again, so I better get outta here.
Gosh life was so much better with you there to talk to and look forward to every morning! I hope your sunshine will come back into my life to light it up again one day.
Missing ya badly!
Me
Gosh life was so much better with you there to talk to and look forward to every morning! I hope your sunshine will come back into my life to light it up again one day.
Missing ya badly!
Me
After Valentine's Day - Exciting Week
I just want to write about my Valentine's Day evening. It was the best Valentine's date ever, and with my daughter! We went to a nice Italian restaurant to see her orchestra director play. We were probably a little under dressed, but since we didn't have a reservation we just sat in the bar area and ordered food anyway and listened to the wonderful music. It was a piano player with a string bass and a viola playing melody. At least that's what she said. I thought it was a violin, but maybe not. People there were dressed super nice - maybe more so since it was Valentine's day and something special for them. I was amazed at how glamorous some of the women looked and wondered if I could ever live in that world and dress like that and look that nice. But it didn't get me down, just gave me something to look forward to :). We met the manager who talked to A and said that she should come play sometime with the piano player. So maybe she could get some extra weekend jobs. And then the best of all was that he ended up telling us that our dinner and desserts were on him. Amazing! I almost cried just because I thought that was so nice. Especially after she had been crying earlier because she had to talk to her drunk dad before I got home to pick her up. And then we kind of had to "sneak" out of the house and grab our skirts to change into. I do have the most beautiful angel of a daughter if you ask me. She lights up any room with her smile and her presence. So, she definitely helped make that the best Valentine's Day ever!
Other good news is that I am moving forward on at least two of my issues in life right now, and actually working on the other two at the same time. Life and my attitude about it have definitely changed! I feel so much more alive right now, and I don't know how else to describe it at the moment..more details later...gotta get to work!
I'm missing you terribly and of course think about you all day long...it's weird how I relate everything and every situation to you...but it is not in a disturbing way, just in a kind of philosophical, trying to learn and understand life kind of way. Thanks for everything you have given me and shown me and taught me, and for the feelings and for awakening in me a re-newed desire and longing for the best in life - to be the best I can be. It is a great feeling of joyous feeling of vitality, if that is the right word.
OK. Gotta go since I left this sitting here for hours already...forgot to finish and save.
Love you forever!
Me
Other good news is that I am moving forward on at least two of my issues in life right now, and actually working on the other two at the same time. Life and my attitude about it have definitely changed! I feel so much more alive right now, and I don't know how else to describe it at the moment..more details later...gotta get to work!
I'm missing you terribly and of course think about you all day long...it's weird how I relate everything and every situation to you...but it is not in a disturbing way, just in a kind of philosophical, trying to learn and understand life kind of way. Thanks for everything you have given me and shown me and taught me, and for the feelings and for awakening in me a re-newed desire and longing for the best in life - to be the best I can be. It is a great feeling of joyous feeling of vitality, if that is the right word.
OK. Gotta go since I left this sitting here for hours already...forgot to finish and save.
Love you forever!
Me
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Happy Valentine's Day - Alone
I have not updated in many days. But that doesn't mean that constant thoughts of you are not going through my mind. I'm not quite sure what to think or do about this situation, so I'm just going with the flow for now. I'm not going to beat myself up over it. Oh, and I had two dove dark chocolate hearts (one yesterday and one today) and the messages said 1) Express what's in your heart; and 2) Trust with your heart, not with your head. Anyway, they just make sense as to what I have been doing lately, so I saved them to re-read for now. To me, I am totally following and trusting my heart in this situation, which I know may just lead to more heartbreak, but oh well - maybe I deserve it then. And then I also feel that with this blog and a couple of journals I have that I am Expressing what is in my heart. So...for now I will just keep spewing the mush!
I wish so bad that I knew what you thought of me. It would help me so much to know. I wish you would just write me a letter or something. It's the hardest thing in the world to keep away from you and to keep from calling you or sending you a message. Ugh! Now I remember that I sent that e-mail not too long ago - you either have me blocked and didn't get it, or are disgusted with me and just wish I had not sent it and would go away. It's so painful when I really think about it in a reality kind of way. But, it's really joyful when I think of it in the fantasy-fairytale-wishful-hopeful thinking kind of way. Maybe it's okay to just imagine and dream. It can't do any harm. If only you knew my thoughts and feelings...and if only I knew yours. It's driving my crazy at times. At least I can dream and fantasize that you actually are missing me, too, but you and I probably both know that that doesn't really cut it for me...I like the real thing, reality.
Saturday, I listened to some songs over and over that reminded me of you and sang them really loud while I was on the road by myself traveling. There were three Richard Marx songs.
I hope you know over the miles and rivers and roads and mountains and trees and bridges and flowers that my heart and soul and mind are with you. I miss you and I love you and hope that all is working out for the best in your life. I also hope that it is working to lead you to me eventually. I will be praying.
I know that there was more I needed to tell you, but it will have to wait. One of the things was probably about the O yesterday for you. :) Gotta love your style!
Love always,
Me
I wish so bad that I knew what you thought of me. It would help me so much to know. I wish you would just write me a letter or something. It's the hardest thing in the world to keep away from you and to keep from calling you or sending you a message. Ugh! Now I remember that I sent that e-mail not too long ago - you either have me blocked and didn't get it, or are disgusted with me and just wish I had not sent it and would go away. It's so painful when I really think about it in a reality kind of way. But, it's really joyful when I think of it in the fantasy-fairytale-wishful-hopeful thinking kind of way. Maybe it's okay to just imagine and dream. It can't do any harm. If only you knew my thoughts and feelings...and if only I knew yours. It's driving my crazy at times. At least I can dream and fantasize that you actually are missing me, too, but you and I probably both know that that doesn't really cut it for me...I like the real thing, reality.
Saturday, I listened to some songs over and over that reminded me of you and sang them really loud while I was on the road by myself traveling. There were three Richard Marx songs.
- Hold on to the Nights - of which one of the quotes out of the lyrics is (actually two of the verses):
- How do we explain something that took us by surprise
Promises in vain, love that is real but in disguise
What happens now
Do we break another rule
Let our lovers play the fool
I don't know how
To stop feeling this way
[Chorus]
Well, I think that I've been true to everybody else but me
And the way I feel about you makes my heart long to be free
Every time I look into your eyes, I'm helplessly aware
That the someone I've been searching for is right there - Endless Summer Nights - here's probably my favorite line that reminds me of you in that one:
- Now I'm back to what I knew before you
Somehow the city doesn't look the same
I'd give my life for one more night
Of having you here to hold me tight; oh, please
Take me there again
Oh, oh - I can't remember right now, but I'll update with it later...
- Whenever I'm weary from the battles that rage in my head
You make sense of madness when my sanity hangs by a thread
I lose my way but still you seem to understand
Now and forever I will be your man.
Sometimes I just hold you
Too caught up in me to see
I'm holding a fortune that heaven has given to me
I'll try to show you each and every way I can
Now and forever I will be your man
Now I can rest my worries and always be sure
That I won't be alone anymoreIf I'd only known you were there all the time
All this time
Until the day the ocean doesn't touch the sand
Now and forever I will be your manNow and forever I will be your man
I hope you know over the miles and rivers and roads and mountains and trees and bridges and flowers that my heart and soul and mind are with you. I miss you and I love you and hope that all is working out for the best in your life. I also hope that it is working to lead you to me eventually. I will be praying.
I know that there was more I needed to tell you, but it will have to wait. One of the things was probably about the O yesterday for you. :) Gotta love your style!
Love always,
Me
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
More Missing You
How badly I miss you. I know that I should stop thinking of you, but HOW? I'm just a miserable failure at doing that. I know I have to go on, but I still dream of you and still think of what could have been. Was it just a fantasy or for real? You are the most beautiful person I can think of right now. I wish I could see you and touch you and feel you and hear you. And then I would want to kiss you and massage you in every place you are needing it. I would want you to look into my eyes and hold me tight and nibble my ears and more! Whoops...I guess I should just stop, but you get the idea? It's not sexual, really, though. The thoughts and feelings I have are just so deep and I feel such a longing for that which I had opened myself completely to. Maybe I should have been more careful, but it was so easy to trust you and feel comfortable with you for some reason. I felt such a connection from the very beginning. And I cannot even describe in words how touched I was at some of the small things you said or did with me. I swear those were some of the happiest hours and moments and seconds of my life. If only I had known how short the time would be, would I have done something different? I think I for sure would have said something different and would have tried to hold you much longer and tell you so many more things that I thought I had a lifetime to tell you.
OK, well, now I'm going to full fledged tears and stopping up my sinuses just thinking about it! So, I'm going to stop.
I apologize if you wish it would not have happened, or if you wish I would not still feel this way. I really am working hard to be the best I can be for you. I was not at my best before. I hope I will have another chance, at the very least to just show you that I can be better than what you saw. I know that we may never have another chance at what I thought we had, but just knowing about you and you knowing about me and us being at peace would help bring me happiness. I just want to know what my soul mate and the most amazing lover and friend is up to and that he is happy. And I really do not think it is fatal attraction type thing, just deeply felt emotions of love and probably mixed with guilt and regret and...(I'm sure I'll come up with more words later that were on the tip of my tongue but lost). And I'm sure I will have many years to record my thoughts and feelings.
I actually wonder about how much I should write online about real happenings other than just my feelings. I'm afraid it might give too much away one day. I have only told one person that I am writing this and she doesn't know the web address. I just told her where I wrote it down in the event that something happens to me. I want you to know that you were loved and that I always thought about you over the years - and only good things. I really tried to find you when the timing was probably better, but I had no idea where to find you.
I know your old saying, "God has a plan". I'm just not sure how to live with peace and acceptance. I guess I should, though, since I do have faith in God. And if he wants you to talk to me, maybe he will lead you this next time. But what if his plan really is up to me? What if it's part of the plan that I feel this way and that I don't forget you. I'm scared of trying to talk to you because I'm afraid that you will hate me or be mad at me if things are not good, but I'm also scared that you will either not want to contact me or will be hesitant to because you think that I am mad at you or have forgotten you again. I will be so mad if you go back on your word, and I will be so mad if you forget about me and just let my memory die. Please, please, please do your part in at least smoothing this situation out. I am hoping and praying that I read you accurately and that you are the man I think you are and will keep your word. I believe in you!
OK. I have to stop sometime and now will work since it is getting late and I have many things to work on in life right now.
Be good, be safe, be strong, be faithful, be nice, be happy, be loving, take care of your sweet children, be proud. I love you for all that you are and were. Thanks for the wonderful memories.
I wish you could come out and play sometime!
ttyl,
me
OK, well, now I'm going to full fledged tears and stopping up my sinuses just thinking about it! So, I'm going to stop.
I apologize if you wish it would not have happened, or if you wish I would not still feel this way. I really am working hard to be the best I can be for you. I was not at my best before. I hope I will have another chance, at the very least to just show you that I can be better than what you saw. I know that we may never have another chance at what I thought we had, but just knowing about you and you knowing about me and us being at peace would help bring me happiness. I just want to know what my soul mate and the most amazing lover and friend is up to and that he is happy. And I really do not think it is fatal attraction type thing, just deeply felt emotions of love and probably mixed with guilt and regret and...(I'm sure I'll come up with more words later that were on the tip of my tongue but lost). And I'm sure I will have many years to record my thoughts and feelings.
I actually wonder about how much I should write online about real happenings other than just my feelings. I'm afraid it might give too much away one day. I have only told one person that I am writing this and she doesn't know the web address. I just told her where I wrote it down in the event that something happens to me. I want you to know that you were loved and that I always thought about you over the years - and only good things. I really tried to find you when the timing was probably better, but I had no idea where to find you.
I know your old saying, "God has a plan". I'm just not sure how to live with peace and acceptance. I guess I should, though, since I do have faith in God. And if he wants you to talk to me, maybe he will lead you this next time. But what if his plan really is up to me? What if it's part of the plan that I feel this way and that I don't forget you. I'm scared of trying to talk to you because I'm afraid that you will hate me or be mad at me if things are not good, but I'm also scared that you will either not want to contact me or will be hesitant to because you think that I am mad at you or have forgotten you again. I will be so mad if you go back on your word, and I will be so mad if you forget about me and just let my memory die. Please, please, please do your part in at least smoothing this situation out. I am hoping and praying that I read you accurately and that you are the man I think you are and will keep your word. I believe in you!
OK. I have to stop sometime and now will work since it is getting late and I have many things to work on in life right now.
Be good, be safe, be strong, be faithful, be nice, be happy, be loving, take care of your sweet children, be proud. I love you for all that you are and were. Thanks for the wonderful memories.
I wish you could come out and play sometime!
ttyl,
me
Torture Train Down Memory Lane
Dear LM,
I can only blame myself for putting myself through the misery and torture. I just re-read the last message you ever sent me. It still hurts so deeply. I don't know why I can't get past this! I guess it hasn't been a super long time, but I swear it feels like yesterday. I mourn the loss still EVERY DAY. In some ways I wonder if that is why you probably will NEVER EVER talk to me again - because it isn't worth re-hashing the pain? If it is just easier for you to forget? But I just can't accept the fact that I will never have an answer to my questions about what the reason really is...you really took the cop out on that one. One day, I expect I will not be able to contain myself and will have to find out. I can only pray that IF you still have real feelings for me that you will not give up on them, and will know in your heart that I love you with all my heart and am not planning on giving up on you until it is for sure that I HAVE TO because you no longer feel the same.
I'm probably being punished for my bad behavior, but I wonder how long I have to be punished and suffer?
Oh well, at least I am able to function now, albeit at probably 75% capacity. I really do not like to sit around and whine and complain all day, either. I really just am trying to describe how I feel about you, so don't take it wrong. I am strong and I will go on no matter what into the unknown for good or for bad. WTF, right?
My daughter is also pressing me to make clear my intent on the divorce since someone seems to have a thick head. It's completely dead, over, ca put. There has been nothing there at all since 23Sep11. Now there is only a little fear and a little sadness and some regret. One thing that is holding me up is just the onslaught of other issues including health and financial. But you know what? I am going to kick all of these problems in the a** and shed myself of all of this BS! I am going to finally be free one day soon.
I go to the doctor tomorrow and should at least know something on the health care plan then. I'm trying to sell some things, and going to pay for some lawyers with any extra money I have left over and am trying to clear all of my debts up. I didn't mean to try and burden you with that. Also, I plan on re-paying you any $. I do not feel right about taking it after how things have turned out and as soon as I can, I will re-pay you. I mean, I was super, super appreciative and felt special that you would do that for me, but then when I didn't ever get to speak to you again and don't know how you really felt about me after that, and the fact that you almost seemed not so happy that I was "taking" your money at the time - it makes me want to give it back.
Oh, this is total BS that we cannot just talk and communicate about a few simple matters so that they can be cleared up! What a freaking mess!
Anyway, just know that I still think of you all day, every day. And I pray for you most of the time, too. I will try to do better. I've been wondering if you are laughing and enjoying the gang up on Romney, too. I mean, some of the radio hosts that I used to enjoy listening to even with their sarcasm and rude humor seem to have gone a little too harsh on Mitt and so I am beginning to see some craziness and true colors of some people (some hypocrites). It angers me a lot. I'm afraid to say much online about it for fear. Also, I wonder what you think about your PA man that just won 3 states last night. I'm not too sure about him, don't know that much about him so I wish I knew your opinion. Oh, how I miss your knowledge, insight, and wisdom.
Just know that you are precious to me and I want to make it right with you no matter what that right is. I hope you give me a chance to do that and treat me like a human being with dignity.
with love from your soul mate,
me
I can only blame myself for putting myself through the misery and torture. I just re-read the last message you ever sent me. It still hurts so deeply. I don't know why I can't get past this! I guess it hasn't been a super long time, but I swear it feels like yesterday. I mourn the loss still EVERY DAY. In some ways I wonder if that is why you probably will NEVER EVER talk to me again - because it isn't worth re-hashing the pain? If it is just easier for you to forget? But I just can't accept the fact that I will never have an answer to my questions about what the reason really is...you really took the cop out on that one. One day, I expect I will not be able to contain myself and will have to find out. I can only pray that IF you still have real feelings for me that you will not give up on them, and will know in your heart that I love you with all my heart and am not planning on giving up on you until it is for sure that I HAVE TO because you no longer feel the same.
I'm probably being punished for my bad behavior, but I wonder how long I have to be punished and suffer?
Oh well, at least I am able to function now, albeit at probably 75% capacity. I really do not like to sit around and whine and complain all day, either. I really just am trying to describe how I feel about you, so don't take it wrong. I am strong and I will go on no matter what into the unknown for good or for bad. WTF, right?
My daughter is also pressing me to make clear my intent on the divorce since someone seems to have a thick head. It's completely dead, over, ca put. There has been nothing there at all since 23Sep11. Now there is only a little fear and a little sadness and some regret. One thing that is holding me up is just the onslaught of other issues including health and financial. But you know what? I am going to kick all of these problems in the a** and shed myself of all of this BS! I am going to finally be free one day soon.
I go to the doctor tomorrow and should at least know something on the health care plan then. I'm trying to sell some things, and going to pay for some lawyers with any extra money I have left over and am trying to clear all of my debts up. I didn't mean to try and burden you with that. Also, I plan on re-paying you any $. I do not feel right about taking it after how things have turned out and as soon as I can, I will re-pay you. I mean, I was super, super appreciative and felt special that you would do that for me, but then when I didn't ever get to speak to you again and don't know how you really felt about me after that, and the fact that you almost seemed not so happy that I was "taking" your money at the time - it makes me want to give it back.
Oh, this is total BS that we cannot just talk and communicate about a few simple matters so that they can be cleared up! What a freaking mess!
Anyway, just know that I still think of you all day, every day. And I pray for you most of the time, too. I will try to do better. I've been wondering if you are laughing and enjoying the gang up on Romney, too. I mean, some of the radio hosts that I used to enjoy listening to even with their sarcasm and rude humor seem to have gone a little too harsh on Mitt and so I am beginning to see some craziness and true colors of some people (some hypocrites). It angers me a lot. I'm afraid to say much online about it for fear. Also, I wonder what you think about your PA man that just won 3 states last night. I'm not too sure about him, don't know that much about him so I wish I knew your opinion. Oh, how I miss your knowledge, insight, and wisdom.
Just know that you are precious to me and I want to make it right with you no matter what that right is. I hope you give me a chance to do that and treat me like a human being with dignity.
with love from your soul mate,
me
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
More on Love
I just wanted to post this one, too, that goes along with the just previous post:
The more you are motivated by love, the more fearless and free your actions will be.
~Unknown
I think that my actions were very fearless and free at the time even if they caused me fear later and might have even caused me less freedom!
Can't win 'em all, I guess.
Love and hugs and kisses to you,
Me
The more you are motivated by love, the more fearless and free your actions will be.
~Unknown
I think that my actions were very fearless and free at the time even if they caused me fear later and might have even caused me less freedom!
Can't win 'em all, I guess.
Love and hugs and kisses to you,
Me
Something to Think About
I just read this on my e-mail inspiring quote of the day today when I logged in. It made me think and I'm going to think on it more, but just want to post it here so you can know I'm thinking about it. Right off the bat, I am thinking that I definitely have love for you, but from this thought it sound like there needs to be two root systems growing together, so although I may feel real true love, it may eventually die if there is no joining with another root system. So, I guess it depends on what you really felt or feel. It's so complicated! :) I am smiling at least because the love I have does make me feel good for now, anyway.
Here is the quote/thought that made me think deeply...
Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.
~Louis De Bernieres
So, there it is and I better get back to work and solving all my issues! I am making progress. I hope that you would be proud of me. I feel like I am getting stronger every day and really wish you had not seen me at one of my worst and weakest points.
I love you eternally underground (after the earthquake),
Me
Here is the quote/thought that made me think deeply...
Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.
~Louis De Bernieres
So, there it is and I better get back to work and solving all my issues! I am making progress. I hope that you would be proud of me. I feel like I am getting stronger every day and really wish you had not seen me at one of my worst and weakest points.
I love you eternally underground (after the earthquake),
Me
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Sadness
Today is a sad day. My grandma passed away in the early hours of this morning. You know you always wish you had spent more time with someone when they are gone. She did have a long, full life, and had been fairly weak and plagued by health problems the last 20 years or so. I hope that doesn't happen to me at that age. So far both of my parents don't have any problems that are too bad. But, of course they have lived a different life and somewhat lifestyle than me - at least as far as marriage goes! If they had as many problems as I had, I would be surprised - and they have hidden them well. Even though I think my mom did put up with her share of BS :). But, she did not have the added pressure of working to support herself and sometimes the family, as well.
Anyway, I begin to miss you more and more and I am confused as to how long to wait to do anything, and does the longer it go mean that you really wish I would go away and are trying your best to forget about me? I know that is entirely possible because if the shoe were on the other foot, I might be doing the same, or expecting the same out of my spouse. Once again, I am SO, SO SORRY for helping to get you into a mess. I hope that you and God have forgiven me, or at least will forgive me one day soon.
I get a little scared about the future, and sometimes feel completely adrift and wonder if I am doing the right thing, but I am determined to do what I am doing even if it is wrong! I can make course corrections later. I can't sit and second guess everything. That is what i have done for at least 13 years! Doing that has probably negatively affected my health in so many ways. I want to move on and just see if I can be strong and focus on wonderful things in life - which do include my children and family.
Speaking of family, I guess I should go check on them now and see if anyone needs me to help do anything for all of the family coming into town, or for Grandpa. I love and will miss my Grandma and I'm pretty sure she knows that we were there and heard us talking to her the past few days at the hospital. I hope she is feeling peace now where she is awaiting her family members left behind and seeing her own mother and father and those who went on before her. I hope she is feeling joyous and will help to watch over me with my grandpa from the other side of the family. I hope that they are not too dissappointed in me, either!
I love you and wish so bad that you were here. You probably cannot imagine how much I think of you - it's almost constant. That may not be a healthy thing, but I am not "pushing it" nor am I "fighting it". I am just going with the flow and am not going to fight against my own heart and own self for now. It is not worth it and I don't think it is hurting anything either way.
I wish I could have met the kids. I really think they would have been so fun to do stuff with and take care of and learn from. That is one of the things I always cherished my children and was in awe of them for how much they could teach me. I depended on them for so much that I will totally be so lonely when they are all gone! All I can do is pray for you and them and wait and hope for the best and for God's will. I know God loves us all and knows us better than we know ourselves. I think sometimes we can be stubborn though, and sometimes we need to let God push us out of our comfort zones and into the "trusting him" zone. I think I took that leap recently - although it was a bit of a botched leap. At least if gave me the courage and strength to go on.
OK. I gotta go. And BTW I hope you nor anyone else who may happen to read this is not critiquing my writing "form" and skills. I am just writing in the free-flow random thought format! LOL! So, please don't judge me on that!
Love you forever!
Your soulmate for eternity,
Me
Anyway, I begin to miss you more and more and I am confused as to how long to wait to do anything, and does the longer it go mean that you really wish I would go away and are trying your best to forget about me? I know that is entirely possible because if the shoe were on the other foot, I might be doing the same, or expecting the same out of my spouse. Once again, I am SO, SO SORRY for helping to get you into a mess. I hope that you and God have forgiven me, or at least will forgive me one day soon.
I get a little scared about the future, and sometimes feel completely adrift and wonder if I am doing the right thing, but I am determined to do what I am doing even if it is wrong! I can make course corrections later. I can't sit and second guess everything. That is what i have done for at least 13 years! Doing that has probably negatively affected my health in so many ways. I want to move on and just see if I can be strong and focus on wonderful things in life - which do include my children and family.
Speaking of family, I guess I should go check on them now and see if anyone needs me to help do anything for all of the family coming into town, or for Grandpa. I love and will miss my Grandma and I'm pretty sure she knows that we were there and heard us talking to her the past few days at the hospital. I hope she is feeling peace now where she is awaiting her family members left behind and seeing her own mother and father and those who went on before her. I hope she is feeling joyous and will help to watch over me with my grandpa from the other side of the family. I hope that they are not too dissappointed in me, either!
I love you and wish so bad that you were here. You probably cannot imagine how much I think of you - it's almost constant. That may not be a healthy thing, but I am not "pushing it" nor am I "fighting it". I am just going with the flow and am not going to fight against my own heart and own self for now. It is not worth it and I don't think it is hurting anything either way.
I wish I could have met the kids. I really think they would have been so fun to do stuff with and take care of and learn from. That is one of the things I always cherished my children and was in awe of them for how much they could teach me. I depended on them for so much that I will totally be so lonely when they are all gone! All I can do is pray for you and them and wait and hope for the best and for God's will. I know God loves us all and knows us better than we know ourselves. I think sometimes we can be stubborn though, and sometimes we need to let God push us out of our comfort zones and into the "trusting him" zone. I think I took that leap recently - although it was a bit of a botched leap. At least if gave me the courage and strength to go on.
OK. I gotta go. And BTW I hope you nor anyone else who may happen to read this is not critiquing my writing "form" and skills. I am just writing in the free-flow random thought format! LOL! So, please don't judge me on that!
Love you forever!
Your soulmate for eternity,
Me
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)