It is getting harder and harder to write things here to you. It is not at all because I don't think about you. I actually probably think deeper about you now. I just don't have a whole lot of hope in the situation. I mean, I know that there is still a chance. And I actually hope and pray for that even though I don't know if that is wrong...
I wish I actually knew if it was worth my time. I wish I knew if you could not stand me or if you hate my guts, or if you think you could not stand the way I look now. I know that I might not meet your expectations. I really need to know if you were disappointed in me. But maybe I don't need that heartache right at this exact moment. I have paid a lawyer to file for divorce finally. It has been many months since we are separated. It is still scary. I wish I would just get over it.
I am moving in 2 to 3 weeks. I wish so bad that you would come see me. I am scared to death of either you getting caught or of rejection. I think of so many things to say and do and send you but I am a complete chicken, or maybe I am just listening to an inner voice of reason! Who knows. I just know I can't continue with this pathetic burden for long. But, it has seen me through a horrible period in life (meaning just difficult - life always has it's good things so I'm not complaining). I just mean that the thought of you has helped me stay strong enough to get through this - at least I'm almost through it. I do wonder if I am going to sit and cry a lot when I am all by myself in my new city. I will have some friends, but they are mostly younger. I know I can have plenty of offers for casual encounters with men, too, but don't want that. It scares me. I have lived behind my little safety net and security blanket for 18 years and now that will all be gone.
Here is something I found on a horoscope posting today. I must say I did shed a tear(s) on the way into work this morning when thinking of you. I had the image of you that night asking me if I was disappointed, and also of a couple of other things that I can't mention here. I just felt so strongly and deeply that it brought me to tears. I miss you so much! I don't know if I will ever have that depth of emotion again ever.
Sagittarius: You may find it difficult to combine the practical needs of the day with the emotions that are welling up within you. Sadness and disappointments in your personal life could very well be likely during a time like this. Withdrawing from emotional social contact might be a good idea right now. Even when you are with others you still feel separate and alone. Use this time to be quiet and to look objectively at how your all of your relationships are going. It won’t take much to make you feel very sentimental. A note or gift from your love, or even a line of romantic poetry overheard could bring tears to your eyes. Though this may not a pleasurable time, this can be a beneficial period in which to learn more about love and what you truly value.
Now I am welling up tears again, but I am not going to let my mascara run! I read a little quote the other day that said something like "Don't shed a tear for anyone who will not be there to wipe it".
OK. And here is the bad thing. I sometimes hope and think that the only way would be for wwe to find someone else. Isn't that awful and selfish? I hate to admit it. But, you are the one person who I felt that I could be completely honest with. So, why lie? I am hoping she will find someone to run off with and you and I can live happily ever after! HaHa. I know it probably won't happen, but here is what Aries said today (which I think she is Aries and can't remember why):
Aries: Small, persistent messages through normal lines of communication can mount up to a bigger picture in a relationship, so listen well. You might want to consider being a little more forth coming with your feelings today. That someone who has captivated you on more than one occasion deserves to know you want so much more from him or her. There is no grand scheme, no master plan; you go into this letting your heart guide you rather your mind. Don’t try to understand it all at once, just let the pieces of the puzzle put themselves together until everything is clear. There is nothing to hide, with a little patience in yourself; you will be able to pull this off without sounding like a love struck teenager.
Anyway, gotta go. I am going house/apartment hunting out of town later in the week. One day I might do something awful, too.
I love and miss you more than you can ever know. I wish I could hold you tight right now and that you would look into my eyes and give me the most passionate kiss ever. I promise I would not ever let you down and would always be by your side as long as you were beside mine. I hope that God knows and understand me and my weaknesses and my desires. I hope they are not wrong. They are just feelings and emotions that I just have and can't explain. I know that I am not as close to God and Christ and as spiritually in tune as I have been in the past, but maybe I am just going through one of those "seasons". I hope I am not forever lost.
I love you soul mate.
Me
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