Hey, I know that one day I should probably stop writing to you and try to put you out of my mind altogether, but I'm starting to feel okay with this and the more I relax and feel not quite so "consumed" with you and us, it seems like there is still something that is yet to be done.
So, maybe I should not completely try and forget about you, and in some ways I think that is silly. Maybe God wants or needs me to think about you to accomplish some purpose of his which I don't know yet. I'm going to remain open to God, I'm not going to shut him out. I am at least trying to submerge myself in good, wholesome activities and be more involved at church than I have been in a while. I must admit that tonight at our stake conference adult saturday night session, I did not quite feel as spiritual and as strong a witness of the spirit as I have felt in times past. I think that I am really still far from God compared to where I used to be. I probably have not completely worked through the repentance process because I am so dang stubborn and have just been having wavering thoughts wondering if I am capable of making the commitments and keeping them. I know that no one is perfect and that no one is expected to be, not even the prophets. Anyway, it is hard to describe and is certainly a personal and private experience and feeling and relationship with God that is unique for each individual. I know also that Satan wants us to judge ourselves harshly and get discouraged and not believe that we are worthy. I do struggle with that worthiness factor sometimes.
In one of the talks at the conference tonight, there were some encouraging words. They came from this wonderfully strong and beautiful and amazing woman, Sister Saylen. She is the current mission president's wife here. I just love her to death. She just had a baby while they are serving their mission here - their 7th child. I think they are around our age, at least I know her husband said that he is 43. Anyway, she talked of how this last child was born 10 weeks premature and held up a teeny-tiny onesie and said that even that little thing was too big for her child when he was born. Anyway, she related it to how sometimes we feel in life that our "call" is too big, that we will never measure up or that we are too small to accomplish the big things that are asked of us. Anyway, I am paraphrasing, but something in the remarks made me realize that I can keep growing. She also mentioned that we are not alone and read some scripture verses that were very encouraging about Christ supporting us with the Holy Ghost and when that it not enough, he sends the angels and when that is not enough he is there for us himself - on our right hand and on our left to bear us up. I am just so blessed and need to remember that Christ has already paid the price and has also manifested himself and his faithfulness and truth to me so many times in life, that I should not doubt and should not fear. There was also another quote about having doubt or fear, too. I can't remember the exact quote, but I will try to look up the scripture verse right quick. Man, I hate not being able to converse with you back and forth and discuss some of these things. But, I guess I completely blew that by being a weak idiot. I hope you will forgive me in your heart and mind. I pray that you will know that I am a better person that what I appeared to be at that crazy time in life. I know that my true weaknesses showed through and that I was physically not too appealing probably, but I think that I have improved on both sides of that and would hope that you would be proud of me now if that doesn't sound too strange.
I'm sorry, but I THINK that you were really sincere in your kindness and caring, even if later realizing the error of some of your other feelings. And at this time, I don't really have anyone else to fill that role. LOL - if that is appropriate. The strange thing is that I do feel you were a friend, but that it just seemed to hard to stay only friends. Maybe one day it will be okay - at least I am hoping. I can tell you though that if it is ever the case we could associate in the future with you with your spouse and me with whatever, it would probably be uncomfortable. I just had the experience of seeing some old friends who are married to each other and I had fooled around with the guy in teenage years - not all the way, but pretty heavy. Anyway, I'm always a little uncomfortable just because I feel guilty since he was a fellow christian/lds and we knew better than what we did so it is just a little embarrassing and I don't even know if his wife knows. That is a good reason to behave - so that we never have embarrassments or regrets.
But, I just hope you don't judge me too harshly and can understand where I came from. I was not a trashy person just interested in that at all. I frankly don't know exactly why I felt so driven and compelled and I look back and wonder if you didn't try to get out of it for whatever reason...that makes me feel even more awful if you didn't even want to do it and here I was being the aggressor! That was totally not my way of life at all for at least20 years! You just brought out the animal - haha!
Well, gotta go. It is 1:07am and A is finishing getting a talk ready for a big church meeting in the morning - the general session of stake conference. We also are singing in the choir (there are some great songs that I wish you could hear). This child amazes me - I am truly blessed. I wish so bad that I could share her and her accomplishments and stuff with you. But, there I go again wishing for something that is probably still not appropriate - something that would take your time away from your family where your loyalty lies. It's just too bad that she could not experience having a father like you. But, at least she has her Heavenly Father and she knows that she is his daughter. I know that she still gets sad and has a longing for a father to care for her and hug and love her and be proud and take care of her here in this mortal life.
OK once again it is super late. I am rambling on in my random fashion. TTYL.
Me
P.S. This morning I was looking at horoscopes just wasting time and I went back and look at THE 23rd and THE 26th of that month last year and it was pretty freaky how they seemed to fit!
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