I think I am at my worst right now, or maybe yesterday was the worst. I can't even begin to tell you how crazy I have been lately. I don't know exactly why, maybe because I quit taking the antidepressant/anxiety which I really didn't want to take in the first place. I think one of the main reasons, though, is that I cannot get over you. You haunt me (for lack of a better word, and I did smile and laugh after I typed it). I wonder if the word doppelganger would work for you. That is what I was just called recently. Anyway, I had a very bizarre encounter on twitter and I was also called an ephemeral phantasm from beyond twitter. Anyway, it left me very shaken and I learned a few things. I know that I have been on twitter a lot lately and have gotten more and more interested in some of the people on there, especially the ones from PA. I even follow this one guy on there who is from J-town. Weird. I am afraid to really talk much to people on there for fear that I might reveal too much about my self. I am sooo messed up today. I was super depressed yesterday after the late night twitter thing. I also am a little depressed about knowing that I am probably pushing my estranged spouse over the edge, too. So, I will feel a little responsible for that although I know that I shouldn't. It just makes me want to cry so much to know how much I am destroying the life that I have known for 18 years. And no one would answer their phone yesterday to talk to me.
I also am starting to realize or suspect that I may have made way too much out of the experience I had with you. I really thought you loved me and wanted me and it made me feel like the luckiest, happiest, most content person in the world. I felt like a princess with you. But I realize that there is a lot of game playing going on online and you might have been very practiced with that. I'm not saying that you treated me like one of those. It's just that if you had those kinds of relationships already, then you may have even misconstrued what I was feeling. You may have thought that I had even had that before, which I had not.
Anyway, I really almost sent you a message today. It's just that I am scared to death to mess anything up for you (probably mostly selfish - in that I know you would hate me if you don't already, but I also just would not want you unhappy with your kids situation). I HATE this situation that I have put myself in. And I swing from one end to the other on wanting to either just dive further into the downward spiral I have created and get lost in the craziness and keep trying to fill the void left by you or to cut myself completely off from all of this stuff and try and focus on myself and my future with my family, job, move, further education, preparedness for the future, and on actually finding/meeting a decent person who could actually have something to offer me - not someone that already has a family. Part of my problem there is that I feel so weak and unworthy and unsure of my own devotion and ability to do right. I am so afraid that I am going to be too easily taken in by the wrong person just because of my vulnerability. I wanted to send you a message requesting help. I thought of sending HELP any way? in code. I just don't know what is safe - I don't feel like anything is safe to say to you so I should just get over your mean ass and move on. I have stupid thoughts. I feel that you are very uncaring and unthoughtful to have let me go this long anyway without contacting me at all. But then my stupid ass makes rationalizations that you may think that I don't want to see you or talk to you ever again, either for your own excuse, or you really feel that. I'm just so furious and frustrated that I NEED TO KNOW. I really need to know 1) did you decide you were done with me already before the wwe trick/worst night of your life? 2) was is just because of my physical appearance or actions? 3) did you think I did anything intentionally 4) what would you recommend I do different in the future to keep from falling into that again? 5) kind of joking - if there are girls who do that for a "living" online - how do I get in on it? HAHA
One of these days I'm beginning to think that you do owe me the answers to my questions. You don't owe me love, or loyalty, or devotion since that is something you committed to someone else, although to me you had already made some pretty strong statements to me that led me on. Like "I'm all yours" among other things.
I signed by job offer for Chicago. I should be up there within a couple or few months. It is going to be crazy and I think I will probably cry a lot. I want some companionship, and I know I am even thinking of very bad things. Maybe I should get back on the medication. I did feel better. I just don't want to be stuck on it. I am going to try doing yoga a lot to help. I want to be a yoga instructor or something when I retire. Maybe j-town needs some yoga instructors? HA!
Well, I wonder what in the heck you would think about this that I am writing. I wonder if it is completely foolish. Anyway, I miss your stupid a**.
Believe me, I think I have slowly destroyed 9 without intention, but he will survive and is starting to figure it out.
Well gotta go since it is 2:06am! I wish so bad I could be talking to you now, or even better snuggled up next to you, or even better spooning either after or before a bad-as* session of you know what. I wish I could show you my new bras.
I sure hope I don't die before I ever get to see you again.
I love you! Plain and simple.
Me
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