I have to admit that I did miss you today. I went to church and then we went to the hockey game downtown with my daughter, my sister and her family, and my sister-in-law. It is just still so wierd that everything reminds me of you. I can't really think of a time when I'm not thinking of you in some way whether it is missing or wondering what you thought or what happened or if anything will ever be...I remember the time at least once maybe more than once that I wanted to find you many years ago and the only place I knew to look was Birmingham. I called the "information" number and tried to look you up in that city to no avail. I guess you either didn't have a phone in your name or you had already moved from there. I really wish that we had given each other a way to stay in touch, although i think you had my number. It's hurts to think of all the years that I could have been in your arms even though I know it might not have been the way I think since we were slightly different people back then. I think that we were more genuine though, less tainted by life - that's what my soul is longing for is to be the real me instead of a doormat committed to an ideal that has cost me many years and maybe even my health to a large degree.
In some way that bothers me when you said (especially the last time) that God has a plan. I think it was just the way you said it like that you have no control over your own life and destiny when I believe that we do. I think that our Heavenly Father wants us to be happy and will bless us with our righteous desires.
I hope that we will both be blessed with those.
I feel like I am almost having an identity crisis right now if you know what I mean. I'm just re-thinking everything. It's so hard and I so wish I had you to talk to. I won't call you my best friend, but I will call you my favorite friend. I wish I had my favorite friend to talk to about everything. I wish I knew if you were having any sucess with your job search and whether you were happy or not - and I mean really happy. I really think you deserve it and hope that wwe treats you at least better now - if not the way you want to be treated. Maybe she wasn't as bad as she sounded. I think I have been made out to be a super bad unloving bitch in the past by a certain person I know which probably got some woman to think that he would be all hers because he was done with me. Well, now I know how it feels to be on the other side...completely awful from both sides is what I can tell you. And also let me warn you not to lose yourself completely as I did in trying to make the "ideal" work. You remember that you are a son of God who he loves deeply and yes, he does have a plan and you don't really know it. But he put us here to act and not to be acted upon. He gave us the commandments and examples and guidelines and he knows each one of us personally - he knows our hearts and minds better than us and he knows our capabilities, too. He knows when we need a push - and I think he pushed me recently. I still am excited to find out why - and I hope that he is not too dissappointed in my own weakness and disobedience. I am probably suffering for it now, but hope that it can be forgiven. And also by you - I hope can forgive me for being a part of what has not been a pleasant experience for you. I could go on and on and on as you probably figured out in the short time we had together. I will leave more for later. I have so much to tell you. And I read a really strange and almost erotic blog recently that really made me think. I wish i knew what you thought about it and could ask you if some of our experience was similar in any way. There is so much that I would do differently in hindsight...like for one thing not let you see me at my worst in almost every way. But, since you said there was more to it at our age, I didn't worry too much because I thought you meant what you said when you said you were all mine. okay okay...later.
Well, I love you deeply, as always...and hope that we will still have eternity to talk like you used to tell me.
Please be good and please don't forget me. I wish you would at least allow me to ask the questions that I am dying to ask as that might help me to move on if that is really what I need to do. I know that I will try to move on anyway as it is probably the proper and dignified thing to do, but it might help if I could really understand. I think that you were honest and open before and I want you to know that I can take it. Please please please. muah! from miles away...til another day...someday will come.
p.s. I miss your cuteness, your directness, your strength and your weakness, your amazing talent to give me the most awesome O's ever. I saw so much in you that I wanted to have all these years. I hope I have not lost you forever!
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