Feeling Crazy

So, this is just craziness! I am in some ways very upset with myself that I cannot or will not quit thinking of you.  Maybe you are just my "therapist", though. And even though you are not listening, I am getting stuff off my chest. I miss you so bad and wish in some ways that I would quit being such an idiot and hoping for you to call me or text me one day. I kind of want to get an Iphone, but I am sad that I will not have the blackberry anymore if I do that because I feel like I would be losing that favorite way of communicating with you.

I remember when you first stopped contacting me because I guess your phone was messed up or at the shop or something. I used to dream and wake up all night long, and sometimes I would dream that you had messaged me and then wake up to such terrible pain when I realized you had not. That first week after I saw you and you didn't talk to me at all for so long was so bad...I was so confused. I kept second guessing everything I had done or said and wondering if I should have done something different. I was hoping that you were not dissappointed in me physically, but kept remembering all of the things that you said that pointed things out. Like you asked about my eyebrows, which I have been sure to have looking good now...and you asked about me talking so fast because I was nervous. I was and still am so afraid that you rejected me based on that night. I just can't beleive that you would not at least stand up and and let me ask the questions. And I know that may not have helped a whole lot because you might would not be 100% honest anyway - and you might just say what you think I want to hear. But, maybe not - that was one thing I really liked about you. You SEEMED to honestly state your opinion, although I could be wrong and it may have only been because we were so far away and it felt safer (or more safe - whatever the more correct term is).

Well, I have to go now and go out to eat. I had slight good news and we are going out to celebrate. I also got some other good news on the job front today.  At least I think it will be good news. I am feeling a little strange about writing too much online again!

Bye...I love you!