Emptiness

The emptiness just hit me again...how so many things in life are so empty now without you. I know that sounds stupid, and might be, but just sayin...

I can tell that things are settling just a little for me, in that I might not think about you EVERY waking moment (but still almost). I am still haunted by the "what I could have or should have done differently". I also still have just as strong of pain when I remember the goodness and all that has been lost. And I still wonder if you ever think about me. I was of course thinking about you watching the Alabama vs. LSU game, and hoped you would think of me, too. I was secretly happy that Nick Gentry was in on so many plays, hoping that you might remember something.

It almost makes me super sorry, though, that I ever let this happen...I hope you think of me, but at the same time, I don't wish that you are sad or suffering the misery that I am feeling. I only wanted to make you the most happy man in the world, not miserable.  So, in that way...maybe I hope you don't think of me, or that maybe you are pissed and glad that you got rid of me.  That would hurt if you really rejected me in your heart, and maybe I'll never know.

I will be having surgery soon. It has been super hard to decide on with all of the other pressures in life...the four corners crashing in on me!

Oh how I miss you and the way you communicate...I loved everything about talking to you. You were funny and charming and disarming and direct and (yikes - I just now got that super hot/burning in the chest feeling just thinking about your "words")... wow! You really have mastered that art, and I guess I should have wondered how - I guess maybe you have sweet talked many women in your life. You really did make me feel special, but I know that I may have just been one of many.

Whatever! Now I am getting a little pissed off because I can't take crap anymore and can't subject myself to it. I am already being threatened every day by the last man I took crap off of. He threatens every day to find some guy that I am talking to and to not do nice things to him - and he will probably let me live he says. I try to tell him that I am not talking to anyone. But is is just that I am through with him and I know I can never ever go back to what was. I am probably going to talk to a social worker from MD Anderson about all of these issues.

It's so true that I almost feel like I was pushed out a door and had the door slammed behind me. I hope that God will forgive me and help me even though I have not been 100% true to what I know and believe. I know that he knows my heart and he knows my weaknesses and strengths and capacities. I believe what happened definitely needed to happen although it is not completely clear all of the reasons. I hope that you are happy it happened, or at least were happy at the time. I believe I was the happiest I had ever been in most ways. It was hard not having you there physically, but the spiritual/emotional/and "quasi physical" were the most amazing, deepest felt connections ever!

Ugh I just went to spell check a word and thought I had lost this whole thing. Thank goodness I didn't, because you never can get the thought flow/process back when trying to re-write something. God I miss you so much it hurts! I constantly want to send you songs and things that remind me of you and I want you to know that I love you and am thinking about you and still want to be everything to you if it can ever possibly happen.

I'm scared about the future. I have 4 major things to deal with right now (and THIS is #5, I guess, but I'm dealing :) for the most part). I hope to deal with the health and the job fairly easily. The relationship and the finances are going to be the toughest part, I think - as I have been trying to deal with them for years and never made much progress. I get stuck in analysis paralysis.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all that you showed me a gave me. No matter what it was to you, it was priceless to me!

Forever your soul mate,
Me