Great Day

It was a good day. Ash and I went to a baptism of some family members. It was a super nice weather day, too. Of course the whole time I just can't get my mind off of you. I really don't understand. I also sometimes wonder if someone is not tracking my keystrokes. If so, then oh well! I really don't care anymore. I have decided that I want to be who I am. I am going to live my life and love it! I'm not going to waste any more time. If there is one thing that the cancer has taught me, it is that life is not worth putting up with really bad stuff. And that there is a fine line between beeing selfless and loving, and in being a doormat and not taking care of yourself.

I had not really taken care of myself in a LONG time. Physically for sure, and spiritually I had begun to neglect myself as well. Anyway, I know that I thought I was doing the right thing all along - I guess I thought that being a martyr and all was somehow noble and good. And I guess in some ways maybe it was, but in some ways it was a cop out. This life is all about ourselves and our relationship to God - which of course includes our duties to family, as well. So, we do have a duty to teach our children, and even somewhat of a duty to our fellow men. however, it's kind of like the drowning victim where if we don't have our own life vest on and jump in to save someone else, however noble it may be - we may not have really saved them and then lost ourselves also in the process.

Anyway, I just realize now that there should have been more balance - and I REALLY should have gotten out when I was hit on the head figuratively many times and new that I was not treated right in my marriage. It's just that I know that it is not supposed to be all about me. I thought that those kind of thoughts and feelings were just selfish. I will never know what damage could have been avoided, or what could have happened for the better or worse if I had just listened and gone with my instincts. I really have good intentions, and I really love God and was really super close to God and the spirit for a long time, so should not have doubted myself so much. I swear I have been so worn down over the years that it is still hard to trust myself.

I am so glad to have had the recent Bon Jovi experience that has so enlightened and energized and changed my life in so many ways! It led to a lot of very painful experiences, but overall has been so much a motivational force for bettering myself and my life - I know it has not ended yet. I can only look forward in hope and faith. I thank God for the good and the bad that came from that - for I know he wants me to learn something and grow. He needs me to be in a different place than I have been "hiding" in for so long. I have been unable to be myself.

Well, I hope you and family are having fun and learning and growing in Christ and in faith. It makes a world of difference. I really hope the kids can meet someday.

There were a lot of richard marx songs I listened to today that I would send you if I could! Man you were an awesome friend. No one can ever take your place and I know that sounds stupid but it is true.

Love ya! Bye!
Me