A Little Freaked Out

I am a little freaked out because I just sent you an e-mail message. I probably should not have, but it's too late now. I just felt impressed to share something with you that I was reading for an upcoming sunday school lesson yesterday. It was a comforting and somewhat thought provoking passage that has stuck with me for years and often helped me when I was in need of help from discouragement or whatever.

I'm hoping it doesn't piss you off or get you in trouble. I don't think it should just because the nature of it is completely innocent and harmless. I wish that there was an undo button and that I could undo the hurt and damage I inflicted upon you and your family. I knew better. I don't know why I always have to feel like the responsible one...it's such a hard burden to bear sometimes, but it seems like I bear it often. I wonder if I don't have more greif and pain over what I caused than over what I experienced and lost. It's hell to pay, and I know I mentioned at the start that I didn't want to go down a road that would surely lead to a very dark place.

The good thing is, that even in the midst of that darkness there is such a light, and so many things to be thankful for. I am just amazed at how many "realizations" keep coming to me in almost a constant flow. I keep realizing things that at least the experience with you, if not you yourself, have brought me to. To new hope, new motivations, new outlook, new interest in improving myself, new efforts to be honest with myself and take care of myself. A renewed effort to really get back aligned with God. A new quasi-confidence (I'm still a chicken in some ways) of going forward into the unknown. I have always had faith, but at times my own personal faith and worthiness has wavered. The hardest part about it and what has kept me the most in line, I guess, has been my kids. I have not ever wanted to dissappoint them or let them down. For the most part, I could say that there is nothing I would hide from them. I did get drug down a little bit over the past several years. I think I should have gotten out of my situation instead of letting it wear me down emotionally, physically, and spirtually. I was eroding slowly over the emotional trauma and fear and paralysis it brought on.

It's too bad that we had bad timing. I can tell you that you probably saw me at my very worst for whatever that is worth. I think I want to say that in case you thought badly of me phsically and/or otherwise. I promise I am not a crazy wound up person although I was feeling it a little at that moment. But, there was also something there that I could not reign in and I should have. I guess I should not have gone with my heart and feelings so blindly. But, I can say it lead to one of the most gratifying feelings ever - although the shortest ever, too. I have often heard talks on how Satan can grant us fleeting, momentary happiness, but that is nothing compared to eternal joy that is obtained through obedience to the commandments.

I'm super sorry again if you regret the encounter or still have negative consequences remaining. I love you and never want to cause you that again, but do still want you to know how much I care and how much God cares - although you probably don't need me to tell you that. So, that's why this is private for now. I hope that one day you can read this, but only either after I'm gone, or if we are together, or at least if it will not cause you problems.

Love to you and kids!
Eternally your friend,
Me