In Denial

It is too hard to accept right now that I might eventually have to let you go. It makes me cry to think of it.

How can I be so hopelessly in love with you? Well, I can tell you that it is definitely a unique feeling that I have for you. It was such a combination of past and present emotions, feelings, memories, new experiences and things that I only shared or experienced with you and probably never will find someone to experience those things with again. Well, I can definitely tell you that it is the most amazingly, wonderful, brilliant, awesome, energizing, eye-opening, mind-boggling, exhilarating, ecstatic, hit-the-ball-outta-the-park, home run kind of love (and I could try and think of more, but....)! At least I felt super special if only for a short while. I felt like I had my prince charming - my fairy tale. And like Garth Brooks sang "...for a moment, wasn't I the king?" Don't you know it?! (ok darn it - now I'm crying again as I go back to fill in some words after leaving this for a little while to wrap up work!) Good grief, I don't even know if you would really even like me now. I don't know if you would really ever love such an emotional and sensitive person as me, but I'm glad you gave it a whirl (except for the unintended bad consequences, of course)!

You so enchanted me with everything about you! I wish I could have just been more patient. I think I have ADD, though, so it's probably hopeless for me to ever not screw anything up with opening my mouth too much. But, I am going to work on that.

I plan to move forward through whatever crap I have to go through - with the goal of one day being able to see you and be with you. If it doesn't happen, then so be it...you will have at least inspired me to be better for whoever does come along at the right time and place. You will always mean so much to me - you can't possibly understand how much. Talking to you really helped pull me out of a low place. The very first day I called you was the day after an especially spiritually revealing/uplifting night for me that I will never, ever forget. So, I had made the first step and I will always remember 9/23 as the day that God put me on a new path toward something that I will ever be looking forward to - and hopefully finding. I'm going to enjoy every bit along the way, though, and be thankful to God for the good and the bad experiences that will lead me to where I belong.

All right, I am getting a little too mushy and blah blah blah - even though I actually feel it and mean every bit of it.  This is probably not good for my health to think about this stuff too much, even though for now it is a good feeling. Most of the major pain and despair is gone except for fleeting moments when I allow myself to long for what we had and still linger on the unanswered questions that were left to float off like balloons that I hope will one day come back with the answer. I hope you will remember me and that I am still waiting for those questions that I asked of you to do me a favor...I know you couldn't for the danger of losing the children which really are the most precious thing, and that is why I am trying my best to respect and honor your request. It is not easy - to not throw myself at your feet!  OK. Now I am laughing and smiling because I am being a bit sarcastically dramatic but it is the picture that came to mind of my ridiculously desperate self!  HA HA! You still bring me so much joy even in the sadness! Anyway...I hope in many years you will at least get to read this stuff and get a laugh out of it if nothing else!

Gotta go - much to do in the real world - ugh!
Bye until our Eternity begins my love!
Me
P.S. -"+?2)+_