Frustration!

I am just really frustrated today and feeling down. Maybe it's that time of the month, or reality is setting in...who knows? Plus I'm just sleeping on a mattress on the floor at my sister's with A on a small one next to me. We have not gotten a bed yet from the house. I really want my home back!

But what really made me sad earlier was just thinking of you and how you probably have plenty of other girls to play your games with that you are talking to on facebook or however. I'm jealous and I'm embarrassed, too. I'm embarrassed if I was just one of many and I fell so completely for you. I wish so bad that you would man up and talk to me. And I know that sounds harsh and I wouldn't say it except that it is what went through my head so why not. I actually know that you are a man, though, and calling you names is very childish and very not what I want and feel about you. I really just want you to hold me and love me and if you can't do it yet, I at least wish you would long for me like I long for you.  I read some stupid horoscope thing, too, today that said something about a Sagittarius can walk away quickly if it was the other person who ended it (something along those lines), but if it was their fault, they mourn forever. I hope that is not the case here...I hope I will not just be mourning forever because it was my fault. And maybe it was easy for you to walk away since I caused it. Ugh, it makes me sick though to think that it was easy for you...although I really don't want you to suffer either, so I guess I just have a conflict inside.

I also really keep regretting that I didn't dress up or really show you a better side. I was trying to just be plain and real like I thought you wanted. When actually I should have shown you my best side and my best tricks (haha) which is also real. I know I probably blew it and I keep regretting and am re-living in my mind over and over what I could have done differently.

Anyway, I thought about you ALL DAY LONG yesterday, and all during church. What the heck is wrong with me...I don't know? I can only pray that at least you will call one day, or when I finally give up on my resolve to keep my promise to honor your wish and I try to talk to you that you will talk to me without the coldness I heard in your voice the last time I heard it. I am also almost at the very end of the 1st Left Behind book. It's really good, but of course it just makes me think of you constantly.

Your hopelessly devoted idiot,
Me