Dear LM,
I can only blame myself for putting myself through the misery and torture. I just re-read the last message you ever sent me. It still hurts so deeply. I don't know why I can't get past this! I guess it hasn't been a super long time, but I swear it feels like yesterday. I mourn the loss still EVERY DAY. In some ways I wonder if that is why you probably will NEVER EVER talk to me again - because it isn't worth re-hashing the pain? If it is just easier for you to forget? But I just can't accept the fact that I will never have an answer to my questions about what the reason really is...you really took the cop out on that one. One day, I expect I will not be able to contain myself and will have to find out. I can only pray that IF you still have real feelings for me that you will not give up on them, and will know in your heart that I love you with all my heart and am not planning on giving up on you until it is for sure that I HAVE TO because you no longer feel the same.
I'm probably being punished for my bad behavior, but I wonder how long I have to be punished and suffer?
Oh well, at least I am able to function now, albeit at probably 75% capacity. I really do not like to sit around and whine and complain all day, either. I really just am trying to describe how I feel about you, so don't take it wrong. I am strong and I will go on no matter what into the unknown for good or for bad. WTF, right?
My daughter is also pressing me to make clear my intent on the divorce since someone seems to have a thick head. It's completely dead, over, ca put. There has been nothing there at all since 23Sep11. Now there is only a little fear and a little sadness and some regret. One thing that is holding me up is just the onslaught of other issues including health and financial. But you know what? I am going to kick all of these problems in the a** and shed myself of all of this BS! I am going to finally be free one day soon.
I go to the doctor tomorrow and should at least know something on the health care plan then. I'm trying to sell some things, and going to pay for some lawyers with any extra money I have left over and am trying to clear all of my debts up. I didn't mean to try and burden you with that. Also, I plan on re-paying you any $. I do not feel right about taking it after how things have turned out and as soon as I can, I will re-pay you. I mean, I was super, super appreciative and felt special that you would do that for me, but then when I didn't ever get to speak to you again and don't know how you really felt about me after that, and the fact that you almost seemed not so happy that I was "taking" your money at the time - it makes me want to give it back.
Oh, this is total BS that we cannot just talk and communicate about a few simple matters so that they can be cleared up! What a freaking mess!
Anyway, just know that I still think of you all day, every day. And I pray for you most of the time, too. I will try to do better. I've been wondering if you are laughing and enjoying the gang up on Romney, too. I mean, some of the radio hosts that I used to enjoy listening to even with their sarcasm and rude humor seem to have gone a little too harsh on Mitt and so I am beginning to see some craziness and true colors of some people (some hypocrites). It angers me a lot. I'm afraid to say much online about it for fear. Also, I wonder what you think about your PA man that just won 3 states last night. I'm not too sure about him, don't know that much about him so I wish I knew your opinion. Oh, how I miss your knowledge, insight, and wisdom.
Just know that you are precious to me and I want to make it right with you no matter what that right is. I hope you give me a chance to do that and treat me like a human being with dignity.
with love from your soul mate,
me
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