Sadness

Today is a sad day. My grandma passed away in the early hours of this morning. You know you always wish you had spent more time with someone when they are gone. She did have a long, full life, and had been fairly weak and plagued by health problems the last 20 years or so. I hope that doesn't happen to me at that age. So far both of my parents don't have any problems that are too bad. But, of course they have lived a different life and somewhat lifestyle than me - at least as far as marriage goes! If they had as many problems as I had, I would be surprised - and they have hidden them well. Even though I think my mom did put up with her share of BS :). But, she did not have the added pressure of working to support herself and sometimes the family, as well.

Anyway, I begin to miss you more and more and I am confused as to how long to wait to do anything, and does the longer it go mean that you really wish I would go away and are trying your best to forget about me? I know that is entirely possible because if the shoe were on the other foot, I might be doing the same, or expecting the same out of my spouse. Once again, I am SO, SO SORRY for helping to get you into a mess. I hope that you and God have forgiven me, or at least will forgive me one day soon.

I get a little scared about the future, and sometimes feel completely adrift and wonder if I am doing the right thing, but I am determined to do what I am doing even if it is wrong! I can make course corrections later. I can't sit and second guess everything. That is what i have done for at least 13 years! Doing that has probably negatively affected my health in so many ways. I want to move on and just see if I can be strong and focus on wonderful things in life - which do include my children and family.

Speaking of family, I guess I should go check on them now and see if anyone needs me to help do anything for all of the family coming into town, or for Grandpa. I love and will miss my Grandma and I'm pretty sure she knows that we were there and heard us talking to her the past few days at the hospital. I hope she is feeling peace now where she is awaiting her family members left behind and seeing her own mother and father and those who went on before her. I hope she is feeling joyous and will help to watch over me with my grandpa from the other side of the family. I hope that they are not too dissappointed in me, either!

I love you and wish so bad that you were here. You probably cannot imagine how much I think of you - it's almost constant. That may not be a healthy thing, but I am not "pushing it" nor am I "fighting it". I am just going with the flow and am not going to fight against my own heart and own self for now. It is not worth it and I don't think it is hurting anything either way.

I wish I could have met the kids. I really think they would have been so fun to do stuff with and take care of and learn from. That is one of the things I always cherished my children and was in awe of them for how much they could teach me. I depended on them for so much that I will totally be so lonely when they are all gone! All I can do is pray for you and them and wait and hope for the best and for God's will. I know God loves us all and knows us better than we know ourselves. I think sometimes we can be stubborn though, and sometimes we need to let God push us out of our comfort zones and into the "trusting him" zone. I think I took that leap recently - although it was a bit of a botched leap. At least if gave me the courage and strength to go on.

OK. I gotta go. And BTW I hope you nor anyone else who may happen to read this is not critiquing my writing "form" and skills. I am just writing in the free-flow random thought format! LOL! So, please don't judge me on that!

Love you forever!
Your soulmate for eternity,
Me