Way to much has been happening to really keep up. And I know that one day someone might read this. I randomly just let my thoughts roll right out onto this page and it may not be the best thing, but throughout each day I think of so many things that I wish I could say to you or tell you or share with you. It builds up sometimes and I just want to let it spill out. This may just be therapeutic for me, or who knows what?
Anyway, I had some good news yesterday. I do not have to go through chemo treatments because of the test results showing a low probability of recurrence over 10 years. Now I can get my hair done which I have not done since the end of October! I figured why waste a lot of money on it if it was going to fall out?
I just can't tell you how much I miss you and I try not to think about it too much or too deeply. I think the worst thing is just wondering if you miss me at all, and wondering if you will ever want to talk to me again. I probably should not do this to myself, but I just cannot get you out of my mind.
I have made a big leap of faith this week. We had to leave the house on Monday because of a very bad scene at home in the middle of the night Sunday/Monday. A and I packed some clothes up and were ready to run out of there around 1:00 or so in the morning, but the situation calmed down a bit and so we slept a little and then packed up a bunch of stuff on Monday morning and carried it off to a friend's and a relative's house. We have been staying with that relative since Monday night - 4 nights now. Let me tell you it is not easy, especially when you are a person who is in the habit of just "fixing" everything for so long. And I think you know how it is to see the good in someone over the bad. I'm just that way. But I am being strong, and I think all of this will turn out okay, and I hope I am doing the right thing. I think so, and really try and look back on the moments when I KNEW it was the thing to do. I have to believe that God will lead me when my intentions are good and he knows that I have faith. He knows me better than I know myself and knows what I need. Anyway, I am temporarily staying away until another week or so unless I can get him to leave permanently. He is cooperating on some things lately. It is super hard, but I think I can do it.
I do pray for you. It is hard to think too deeply because I often cry and feel such a loss to not have your warmth and love and your mind and heart. I truly ache for you at times. I almost feel ridiculous because I don't know if I've ever felt quite this way. I mean I have felt some unbelievable emotional/spiritual pain in the past that I sometimes wonder how I ever got through it (and went back for more like an idiot!). But this is different. Maybe because there is no resolution, no finality, no answer...I am left with hope and no bird in the hand. HAHA -Don't ask where that crazy thought came from - but it just popped into my head and I don't have a filter too often. I think I must like making a fool out of myself sometimes - or at least I like to be silly!
So, I have been trying to be more cautious on the road with the roller coaster. It makes me think of you every time, and I used to totally love it and go over with a big woo hoo! Now my truck is getting very "creaky" and so I am having to tame myself so I don't tear the vehicle up! Also, it is just not as fun of a moment anymore when I can't share it with you. Life is not as fun anymore without you to share it with. I hope if you ever read this you will understand what I mean by that and not think I'm stupid. But actually, I wonder if I would be embarrassed for you to read this? Just as I ask myself that question, I think that if you are really the person I believed you to be then the answer would be no - I would not be embarrassed because I could totally be myself with you and you would love me for who I am. I could be wrong and maybe I will find out one day and maybe I won't. I hope I will at least find out someday.
I have read more in the Left Behind book. I am still interested to find out exactly what happens to Hattie and what kind of person she is. I hope it doesn't end up being bad. Even though I saw the film years ago, I don't remember anything about her character.
The election/primaries are pretty dang crazy lately! It really just kind of drives me nuts so it might be a good thing that I don't get to pay that much attention to it lately. I sure wonder how you feel and think about it often. You have a really great mind that I loved "listening" to. How did I ever let you get away? I know you might not be as perfect as I had imagined, but really - who is?
I do hope that you are having fun and being yourself and enjoying life. I imagine you are with those kids - you can hardly help but be happy with little young, innocent, joyful hearts around you to cheer you up and keep you young at heart. I will probably be glad to have grand kids when the day finally comes. I hope all of the kids are doing well and staying healthy and loving Dad. They are really blessed! I wish my kids could have had a dad like you! I know...God has a plan.
Well, gotta go now...back to the hum drum...waiting for eternity.
I love you more than you will probably ever know,
Me
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