How badly I miss you. I know that I should stop thinking of you, but HOW? I'm just a miserable failure at doing that. I know I have to go on, but I still dream of you and still think of what could have been. Was it just a fantasy or for real? You are the most beautiful person I can think of right now. I wish I could see you and touch you and feel you and hear you. And then I would want to kiss you and massage you in every place you are needing it. I would want you to look into my eyes and hold me tight and nibble my ears and more! Whoops...I guess I should just stop, but you get the idea? It's not sexual, really, though. The thoughts and feelings I have are just so deep and I feel such a longing for that which I had opened myself completely to. Maybe I should have been more careful, but it was so easy to trust you and feel comfortable with you for some reason. I felt such a connection from the very beginning. And I cannot even describe in words how touched I was at some of the small things you said or did with me. I swear those were some of the happiest hours and moments and seconds of my life. If only I had known how short the time would be, would I have done something different? I think I for sure would have said something different and would have tried to hold you much longer and tell you so many more things that I thought I had a lifetime to tell you.
OK, well, now I'm going to full fledged tears and stopping up my sinuses just thinking about it! So, I'm going to stop.
I apologize if you wish it would not have happened, or if you wish I would not still feel this way. I really am working hard to be the best I can be for you. I was not at my best before. I hope I will have another chance, at the very least to just show you that I can be better than what you saw. I know that we may never have another chance at what I thought we had, but just knowing about you and you knowing about me and us being at peace would help bring me happiness. I just want to know what my soul mate and the most amazing lover and friend is up to and that he is happy. And I really do not think it is fatal attraction type thing, just deeply felt emotions of love and probably mixed with guilt and regret and...(I'm sure I'll come up with more words later that were on the tip of my tongue but lost). And I'm sure I will have many years to record my thoughts and feelings.
I actually wonder about how much I should write online about real happenings other than just my feelings. I'm afraid it might give too much away one day. I have only told one person that I am writing this and she doesn't know the web address. I just told her where I wrote it down in the event that something happens to me. I want you to know that you were loved and that I always thought about you over the years - and only good things. I really tried to find you when the timing was probably better, but I had no idea where to find you.
I know your old saying, "God has a plan". I'm just not sure how to live with peace and acceptance. I guess I should, though, since I do have faith in God. And if he wants you to talk to me, maybe he will lead you this next time. But what if his plan really is up to me? What if it's part of the plan that I feel this way and that I don't forget you. I'm scared of trying to talk to you because I'm afraid that you will hate me or be mad at me if things are not good, but I'm also scared that you will either not want to contact me or will be hesitant to because you think that I am mad at you or have forgotten you again. I will be so mad if you go back on your word, and I will be so mad if you forget about me and just let my memory die. Please, please, please do your part in at least smoothing this situation out. I am hoping and praying that I read you accurately and that you are the man I think you are and will keep your word. I believe in you!
OK. I have to stop sometime and now will work since it is getting late and I have many things to work on in life right now.
Be good, be safe, be strong, be faithful, be nice, be happy, be loving, take care of your sweet children, be proud. I love you for all that you are and were. Thanks for the wonderful memories.
I wish you could come out and play sometime!
ttyl,
me
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