I don't know exactly how to describe my thoughts and feelings today. I get a little upset at the thought that you may have completely forgotten about me...at least for the most part. Or even worse, that you are really happy that nothing came of us. It seems that I had a lot more crying about you this weekend than usual. I can usually stay pretty positive and at least see what good things have come from my experience with you, and how I have changed hopefully for the better. I had a vivid dream on Saturday night where I was talking to you in "your office" there was someone else there at first, but he left. You even had tears in your eyes. And then it got a little x-rated, but that is not the point. Anyway, I don't know what this all means. I don't know if it is just torment for my sins or what? Also, I keep seeing Leonardo DiCaprio on the movie posters and movie previews for the re-release of Titanic. He so reminds me of you, that I just get a really strong emotional feeling. When I went to see the hunger games on Saturday, I just cried in the preview for Titanic. What is wrong with me? Sometimes i wish I really could know of your thoughts. But I also once read a statement that said "..what other people think of us is none of our business".
So maybe you don't want me to know for whatever reason. I just wish you at least knew what I think and feel even though IF you loved me I guess it might just complicate your life or make things harder for you. I just feel that I can't go on forever like this. I want to talk to you so bad. I do "talk" to you over and over in my head. It probably changes a little from day to day. It's so hard and frustrating. I wish I knew if you hated my guts. It might help. Sometimes I start to think of you that way - like you think you are better, or too good for this and are ashamed of me, but then I realize it is probably just my own jealously or selfishness or guilt or something. I don't want you to be suffering like I am because if you are or were, I would think it crazy that we just would not do something about it. I am praying to God that he will help us and help me see the why and how to go forward. This really suck wanting one thing, yet wanting to make you happy which seems to conflict! I'm afraid one of these days I will break, and I even wonder if I really should be holding all of this in. I guess writing all of this kind of helps...
After all of my somewhat sad and ill feelings about it, I still have such happiness, but longing in the memories of you, and I still feel so deeply in my heart for you (I was just thinking in the shower this morning that I would tell you how I have never felt so deeply in so many ways about anyone).
OK. Gotta go. Hope you are super happy and I hope you have found a job that brings you happiness. I also hope you still remember me and have good memories, not just that one bad night where I ruined everything for you.
I love you more than you will ever know.
Hopelessly devoted,
Me
P.S. Sorry if you think I am corny or obsessed. I don't think it is that...just consumed is more like it, and for either good or bad, I have a feeling that it is from God one way or the other, He thinks I need this reminder.
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