Life as I have known it for a long time is just about completely burned out. I am burning the bridges, I guess for good or bad. I actually don't believe in doing that, but it just seems that it is inevitable in the course I have set upon.
It is super hard feeling like I am blowing in the wind with nowhere to land. I am almost getting sick of my adoration of you! I'm kind of kidding about that, but it does bother me that I cannot get my lovesick heart to get over you and I don't know why. I am just clinging to you no matter how unrealistic it may be. Maybe you are just my hope and inspiration in an otherwise VERY dark and stressful time for me. I mean, there are other things and people like my loving family and my sweet daughter (even though she can even be an obnoxious little thing sometimes lately with her holier than thou-ness). And the man that I'm trying to be nice to and end things on good terms with just will not let that be the case. I know it is because he is pissed about me leaving. I even went back temporarily, but he had another meltdown and quit his job again after just taking on a huge new truck note and not even unburdening me of what was still in my name or catching it up. He's just hateful and can never see any side but his own. I really have a hard time with not feeling sorry for him...I guess that has been my problem all along. I can't let his threats get to me. I really do just want to scream for help and I wish I could just cry in your arms and have you hold me and I would feel so much safer and better! And then that thought just makes me want to cry more because I know that you probably want to do no such thing ever again...and ironically, that's exactly what He wants to do, but I can't give in to it because it is just false...maybe even more false than my hope in you. At least you are a good man trying to what's best and right. He is never trying to do what's right unless it is comfortable and convenient. And I know that never is too strong, but is just an expression of what it feels like after all of these years of bs over and over and over.
Oh, there is one thing that happened to me right between 23Sep11 and 26Sep11 that I never got to tell you about. I hope I get to tell you one day of the "vision" of sorts that I had when I was at church or leaving church that Sunday. It was a pretty vivid and bold statement to me at that time as to what the future was with 9. And it was not good. Very strange and I should remember it more often. I was so led to you and drawn to you at that same time...I really felt super strongly what I thought and still think was the spirit/Holy Ghost leading me. But I am just confused as to why and if I hadn't been weak if things would have been different or was what happened supposed to happen...and what is the ultimate end of what happened? I hope you don't think it is weird to have all of those questions...they just never have been answered, at least not completely. I see things that have happened that give me an aha moment as to maybe partially the reasons, but oh well...only God knows and I loved in MOST ways your softly spoken statement that "God has a plan". I still can "hear" it in my mind from you over and over. It is reassuring to me in a way your simple statement of faith even though I know that the last time you said it I felt a coldness in your voice that scared me to death and that's why I'm afraid to talk to you...I don't know if it was hatred or maybe "disgust" is a better word or if it was just pain and confusion on your own part. I wish I could know, but I hope that God will let me know in his own due time...maybe when he knows that I can handle another bad thing on top of what I have already endured. Maybe then I will brave it out since it doesn't seem that you will ever keep your word and contact me - not that I don't have faith in you that you would keep your word if you WANTED to. It's that I am afraid that you don't want to. You might think that I am a pathetic, old, fat, hag who you don't want to give any ideas to. I so want you to just know that I am not that AT ALL! Just the thought of you and the hope of you has changed so much in me, it is unbelievable. I could only imagine how being loved and wanted by you every day could change my entire life and my entire countenance inner and outward! I know that you could make me beautiful just by the way you would treat me (i already experienced a tiny slice of that and it was the most awesome thing ever I have to say...you don't know how it had changed my outlook on everything...it even amazed me. I realized that I really wasn't a jealous person...and so much more I hope to tell you one day.
I really don't know where I am going to end up but I know I can and should trust God. And I do trust him in my mind, but I think I just have a hard time actually handing the reins over...my analysis paralysis sets in and I guess I am so scared. I guess I need to let Jesus "take the wheel". I sure hope that he would steer me to you and I feel like he did once already. I am still confused as to why. Was it for you? Did something good come out of it for you? Was it for me? I think in some ways the answer is yes even though it seems like it is not good now, I know it set me on a path of growth and enlightenment that would very likely not have happened. God knows that I am a stubborn person and he sometimes needs really big things to get my attention.
I'm such a dork that I constantly hear songs that I want to put on a "you" song list. I wish I could tell you every time I hear a song that is making me think of you especially. Most of the love songs make me think of you...everything flipping thing in life makes me think of you - but, there are a few special ones or songs that hit me at the moment with a phrase that is exactly what I am thinking of saying to you at that time.
Here's just a few that have been recent...
Hopelessly Devoted to You...ONJ
Island in the Sun - Weezer (hip hip)
You'll Be in my Heart - Phil Collins
There was a Garth Brooks one
and so many more...But I just went back up and wrote such a book-full of crap - that I added to another paragraph as afterthought - that I should stop and go to bed now and wipe my little tears even though they have stopped flowing by now...I love you and at least hope that you are as happy as you made me momentarily. I think you deserve it way more than I do and I hope that the person you love really deserves it, and appreciates it, too. And of course I can't help but hope that the kids are just happy and innocently don't even know what happened and hopefully never have to know. I hope that I can see their smiling faces someday just to know that you did the right thing.
I love you eternally,
Me
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